Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC
Didn't get to bed last night
Oh, the way the paper bag was on my knee
Man, I had a dreadful flight
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are, boy
Back in the USSR, yeah -- The Beatles, Back in the USSR
здравствулте!
That's Cyrillic writing for hello. Let's face it, the Cyrillic alphabet totally pwns our Western characters. Fact. It's probably the one fact that I can thoroughly agree with hipsters worldwide on. (CCCP clothing, so trendy!)
So anyways, Wednesday we get our 2007-08 Champions League Final live in Moscow (ESPN2, 2:30 p.m. EDT) when Manchester United throws down with Chelsea. In a lot of ways this is truly football Armageddon, two massive global brands based out of England duking it out for the biggest prize, literally, in club sport playing in perhaps what could be the next money pit of the world game. Boiled down to brass tax, there aren't any winners.
Theoretically scholars and historians might be able to churn out massive amounts of copy about the significance of this game. Smarter people than me can allude how both clubs have foreign ownership and millions, nay billions, at their disposal. Factor in the game is be played behind the old Iron Curtain and beamed to a audience in the billion range, and the notion that football (soccer) is simply a club pursuit goes out the window. Granted, this has been stated before and will be again. Wednesday just produces the most crystal clear example.
To me, this game can be summed up rather succinctly -- the real FA Cup final. With apologies to Portsmouth and Cardiff City (Go back to Wales!) this is the game that probably in any other year would be your final at Wembley Stadium.
Since that's the case, consider me less than pumped up about this game. For whatever the reason a tournament like this doesn't have the same juice when the finalists both hail from the same domestic league. It's not like we didn't see these two teams play less than a month ago, right?
Moreover, nine times out of 10 a cup final or any game of this magnitude stinks to begin with basically because there's so much at stake the managers play things so close to the vest that the game gets ground down to a halt. That's my biggest theory why soccer gets such a bad stigma in America. The casual fan is only going to tune in for the big matches like this one, or World Cup games. This games are rarely that entertaining. Tell me, is Joe Sports Fan going to be captivated by a chess match between Avram Grant and Sir Alex Ferguson? Prognosis negative.
Now all that said, this is still a compelling game full of subplots and certainly worth watching. Some worth noting:
* Double Dare -- Can the Red Devil scoop up the Premier League crown -- edging out Chelsea -- and then grab the trophy with the big ears? It wouldn't exactly be the legendary treble of 1999, but a major accomplishment.
* Ronaldo's world, we're just living in it -- Engravers of the world, unite. Any world football player of the year awards go through the dainty Portgueezer attacker. If United claim the Champions League trophy, the awards are his, even if he stinks up Euro 2008. Fact. Look at 2006 with Ronaldinho. Barca won the Champions League, but ol' bucky tooth moaned at the World Cup a month later but still won the platitudes of players and journalists. Ronaldo transcendence level is getting to the point he could do anything short of murder and be adored for it.
* Comrades -- The old dig at Chelsea was calling it Chelski, considering Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has poured roughly a billion dollars worth of petrol into the London club. Will Vlad Putin's (yeah, I call him Vlad) buddy finally wrest the most important club trophy in the world (ok, after the Brimstone Cup), thus finally adding the crown jewel into his possibly ill-gotten trophy case. The Kremlin might root blue, there's a first time for everything, but the rest of the free world ought to go against the soulless blue machine. Expect a couple shots of the owner's box with Abramovich's limp-clapping and patchy goatee.
* Bring your pads -- Ok, lots of people think this game is for European sissies with long hair and man-purses. That might be true 99 percent of the time, this game ought to be rugged. Like Robert Duvall eating raw deer meat rugged. The midfield might as well be Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots. (Hell, the colors are right and thanks to the magic of MS Paint, we can see how it just might look.)
* Down on Mainstreet -- If a goal comes from open play and that's a big if. (Look for a set piece and or penalty kick.) It's probably going to be sent up from in front of goal. Chelsea are going to pound it to Didier Drogba and hope the huge Ivorian and use his elbows to take out both Rio Ferdinand and Nemaja Vidic, unlike only the Serb when the clubs collided in late April in the League. Actually, Chelsea will feed it to Drogger and hope he can knock it down to a wing player like Saloman Kalou or Joe Cole. United will attack through Ronaldo, but he's his most dangerous when he cuts inside and opens space for Rooney or Tevez. (Wait for it... more MS Paint madness!)
* Taking bows -- Could this be the last time we see the likes of Drogba and SAF with their teams? Ferguson could leave on top, but that's highly unlikely. The odds from the British bookmakers are very skewed. There's a better chance the Chelsea nucleaus is shuffled (possibly to accommodate the inclusion of the entire Argentine and Brasilian national teams) so guys like Drogba, Michael Essien, etc. could fly to continental waters, maybe even Frank Lampard.
Of course, the executioner's blade hangs precipitously close to the head of Grant, who's been on the chopping block from day one. It's hard to find Avram as a sympathetic character. Yet, follow this link and try not to be disgusted by the actions of Mrs. Grant. (Composed yourself yet?) Beyond belief, to say the least.
Since we're talking Grant, it would be quite remarkable if the sullen-one is able to trump the Special One (Jose Mourinho) and win the Champions League on a team the deposed Portuguese manager assembled.
* Fan violence -- Since it's two English teams, the world expects violence in the stands, or outside the stadium. Guess it's a strong possibility. The question to ask, however, why would you want to risk dealing with the Russian authorities. It's not like Russian prison is exactly club med, probably due to linoleum-toting Chechnyian hoodlums. Let's face it, no matter how much lager your pale-faced, greasy English geezer sucks down before the match, does it really want to head to the gulag? Better yet, ask yourself, 'Did he have hands? Did he have a face?'
Bottom line, something will likely happen and get blown out of proportion.
* I must crush you -- Not technically about the game, but worth noting since the game is in Moscow. Could Russia, yes Mother Russia, become the next hotbed for the global growth of the game? This is probably an overreaction to Zenit St. Petersburg taking the 2008 UEFA Cup. It's hard to forget how capitialism is running rampant through the former Soviet states with billionaires popping up like zits on the face of a typical Fall Out Boy fan. These oligarchs (as documented in the peerless 'How Soccer Explains the World') can only buy so much imported marble to line their cats litter boxes, therefore they throw their rubles at sports. If Guus Hiddink leads Russia to a susceptible showing at next month's European Championship, it will only accelerate things. This is probably good for the game, it's not like Russia vs. the West ever caused any problems, right? (With GTA IV, Eastern Europe is really hot right now.)
* ESPN Zone -- Presumably Derrek Rae and Tommy Smyth with be let out of the Bristol, Conn. broom closet and call the match from Moscow. In a good year, this would be the last we'd hear from them, but since ESPN owns North American (and Indian subcontinent, I think) rights to June's Euro, we in store for these two. Rae isn't really annoying, he just seems too much of a stuffed shirt. Smyth, on the other hand, is annoying...and apparently smells like onions. There's better than what ESPN has served in the past since they don't dumb it down too much. At least JP Dellacamra will do some Euro telecasts, too. Maybe we'll even get an HD treat, too.
* ARISE -- Finally, the results could be disastrous, on a global warming level scale, if Chelsea doesn't win. Bear with me.
Abramovich obviously has more money than almost anyone and seems hell bent on winning the European trophy, even if the only shots you see of him from the owner's box he's limp-wristedly clapping with a wry smile. He's already poured a billion dollars (estimate) into Chelsea and netted two Premier League titles.
If the trophy with the big ears eludes the Blues again, the floodgates will open. It might not even be in the form of buying Messi, Ronaldinho, Kaka, etc. Think more diabolical. Think along the lines of using some secret Siberian facility to clone the DNA of Ferenc Puskás, Garrincha, Jackie Milburn, George Best, Lev Yashin, Duncan Edwards, etc. into a team of XI super-humans. (Yes, this is the plot of the G.I. Joe five-part 'Arise Serpentor, Arise'.)
C'mon, it's not that crazy. Josef Stalin did want to create an army of half-human/half-ape soldiers.
Sad but true...but in a strange way amazing nonetheless.
In closing, this will be an epic game most likely, but not for the "right" reasons. There's going to be some sort of controversy that will mar whatever else happens, be it a handball (or missed handball), a sending off, a blown offside call. Something. That might be the cynic talking, but an enjoyable, free-flowing game isn't in the cards. Nor should it necessarily be expected. While you have the best players on the planet (in some cases) lining up across each other, the stakes is high.
As much as I hate to predict it, it's probably about time Chelsea breaksthrough in this competition. I'm no fan of their brutal, pound-you-into-submission style of play either. Against United though, it should be effective. The midfield of Ballack-Lampard-Mikel/Makelele ought to determine the pace of the game and control most of it.
United will be very dangerous on the counter and its pacey attackers (Ronaldo, Rooney, Nani, Tevez, etc.) could leave the Blues hacking at ghosts, yet this is the game that Ferguson rues the lack of a massive target-man in the middle. Unless a foul in a dangerous place on the field sets up a goal, it's hard to imagine United breaking down the Blues defense. It's very doubtful Ricardo Carvalho gives away a goal like he did in April.
Meanwhile Chelsea will probably find something through Drogba as his preening antics reach a crescendo. Ugh, I can see it now, the horse-face, the stringy hair, the open-mouth scream. Bah! There's also the chance that Chelsea score on a play that would be best dissected via Jerry Seinfeld and a pointer, as the ball bounces off every guy on the field and past Edwin Van Der Saar.
Will I root for United? Yes. Except of all the teams in the world, the Red Devils are playing maybe the only one they don't match-up favorably against. ... Chelsea 1, Manchester United 0 (possibly in extra time, warning, if you see a mushroom cloud in the distance...run.)
до свидания
Didn't get to bed last night
Oh, the way the paper bag was on my knee
Man, I had a dreadful flight
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are, boy
Back in the USSR, yeah -- The Beatles, Back in the USSR
здравствулте!
That's Cyrillic writing for hello. Let's face it, the Cyrillic alphabet totally pwns our Western characters. Fact. It's probably the one fact that I can thoroughly agree with hipsters worldwide on. (CCCP clothing, so trendy!)
So anyways, Wednesday we get our 2007-08 Champions League Final live in Moscow (ESPN2, 2:30 p.m. EDT) when Manchester United throws down with Chelsea. In a lot of ways this is truly football Armageddon, two massive global brands based out of England duking it out for the biggest prize, literally, in club sport playing in perhaps what could be the next money pit of the world game. Boiled down to brass tax, there aren't any winners.
Theoretically scholars and historians might be able to churn out massive amounts of copy about the significance of this game. Smarter people than me can allude how both clubs have foreign ownership and millions, nay billions, at their disposal. Factor in the game is be played behind the old Iron Curtain and beamed to a audience in the billion range, and the notion that football (soccer) is simply a club pursuit goes out the window. Granted, this has been stated before and will be again. Wednesday just produces the most crystal clear example.
To me, this game can be summed up rather succinctly -- the real FA Cup final. With apologies to Portsmouth and Cardiff City (Go back to Wales!) this is the game that probably in any other year would be your final at Wembley Stadium.
Since that's the case, consider me less than pumped up about this game. For whatever the reason a tournament like this doesn't have the same juice when the finalists both hail from the same domestic league. It's not like we didn't see these two teams play less than a month ago, right?
Moreover, nine times out of 10 a cup final or any game of this magnitude stinks to begin with basically because there's so much at stake the managers play things so close to the vest that the game gets ground down to a halt. That's my biggest theory why soccer gets such a bad stigma in America. The casual fan is only going to tune in for the big matches like this one, or World Cup games. This games are rarely that entertaining. Tell me, is Joe Sports Fan going to be captivated by a chess match between Avram Grant and Sir Alex Ferguson? Prognosis negative.
Now all that said, this is still a compelling game full of subplots and certainly worth watching. Some worth noting:
* Double Dare -- Can the Red Devil scoop up the Premier League crown -- edging out Chelsea -- and then grab the trophy with the big ears? It wouldn't exactly be the legendary treble of 1999, but a major accomplishment.
* Ronaldo's world, we're just living in it -- Engravers of the world, unite. Any world football player of the year awards go through the dainty Portgueezer attacker. If United claim the Champions League trophy, the awards are his, even if he stinks up Euro 2008. Fact. Look at 2006 with Ronaldinho. Barca won the Champions League, but ol' bucky tooth moaned at the World Cup a month later but still won the platitudes of players and journalists. Ronaldo transcendence level is getting to the point he could do anything short of murder and be adored for it.
* Comrades -- The old dig at Chelsea was calling it Chelski, considering Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has poured roughly a billion dollars worth of petrol into the London club. Will Vlad Putin's (yeah, I call him Vlad) buddy finally wrest the most important club trophy in the world (ok, after the Brimstone Cup), thus finally adding the crown jewel into his possibly ill-gotten trophy case. The Kremlin might root blue, there's a first time for everything, but the rest of the free world ought to go against the soulless blue machine. Expect a couple shots of the owner's box with Abramovich's limp-clapping and patchy goatee.
* Bring your pads -- Ok, lots of people think this game is for European sissies with long hair and man-purses. That might be true 99 percent of the time, this game ought to be rugged. Like Robert Duvall eating raw deer meat rugged. The midfield might as well be Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots. (Hell, the colors are right and thanks to the magic of MS Paint, we can see how it just might look.)
* Down on Mainstreet -- If a goal comes from open play and that's a big if. (Look for a set piece and or penalty kick.) It's probably going to be sent up from in front of goal. Chelsea are going to pound it to Didier Drogba and hope the huge Ivorian and use his elbows to take out both Rio Ferdinand and Nemaja Vidic, unlike only the Serb when the clubs collided in late April in the League. Actually, Chelsea will feed it to Drogger and hope he can knock it down to a wing player like Saloman Kalou or Joe Cole. United will attack through Ronaldo, but he's his most dangerous when he cuts inside and opens space for Rooney or Tevez. (Wait for it... more MS Paint madness!)
* Taking bows -- Could this be the last time we see the likes of Drogba and SAF with their teams? Ferguson could leave on top, but that's highly unlikely. The odds from the British bookmakers are very skewed. There's a better chance the Chelsea nucleaus is shuffled (possibly to accommodate the inclusion of the entire Argentine and Brasilian national teams) so guys like Drogba, Michael Essien, etc. could fly to continental waters, maybe even Frank Lampard.
Of course, the executioner's blade hangs precipitously close to the head of Grant, who's been on the chopping block from day one. It's hard to find Avram as a sympathetic character. Yet, follow this link and try not to be disgusted by the actions of Mrs. Grant. (Composed yourself yet?) Beyond belief, to say the least.
Since we're talking Grant, it would be quite remarkable if the sullen-one is able to trump the Special One (Jose Mourinho) and win the Champions League on a team the deposed Portuguese manager assembled.
* Fan violence -- Since it's two English teams, the world expects violence in the stands, or outside the stadium. Guess it's a strong possibility. The question to ask, however, why would you want to risk dealing with the Russian authorities. It's not like Russian prison is exactly club med, probably due to linoleum-toting Chechnyian hoodlums. Let's face it, no matter how much lager your pale-faced, greasy English geezer sucks down before the match, does it really want to head to the gulag? Better yet, ask yourself, 'Did he have hands? Did he have a face?'
Bottom line, something will likely happen and get blown out of proportion.
* I must crush you -- Not technically about the game, but worth noting since the game is in Moscow. Could Russia, yes Mother Russia, become the next hotbed for the global growth of the game? This is probably an overreaction to Zenit St. Petersburg taking the 2008 UEFA Cup. It's hard to forget how capitialism is running rampant through the former Soviet states with billionaires popping up like zits on the face of a typical Fall Out Boy fan. These oligarchs (as documented in the peerless 'How Soccer Explains the World') can only buy so much imported marble to line their cats litter boxes, therefore they throw their rubles at sports. If Guus Hiddink leads Russia to a susceptible showing at next month's European Championship, it will only accelerate things. This is probably good for the game, it's not like Russia vs. the West ever caused any problems, right? (With GTA IV, Eastern Europe is really hot right now.)
* ESPN Zone -- Presumably Derrek Rae and Tommy Smyth with be let out of the Bristol, Conn. broom closet and call the match from Moscow. In a good year, this would be the last we'd hear from them, but since ESPN owns North American (and Indian subcontinent, I think) rights to June's Euro, we in store for these two. Rae isn't really annoying, he just seems too much of a stuffed shirt. Smyth, on the other hand, is annoying...and apparently smells like onions. There's better than what ESPN has served in the past since they don't dumb it down too much. At least JP Dellacamra will do some Euro telecasts, too. Maybe we'll even get an HD treat, too.
* ARISE -- Finally, the results could be disastrous, on a global warming level scale, if Chelsea doesn't win. Bear with me.
Abramovich obviously has more money than almost anyone and seems hell bent on winning the European trophy, even if the only shots you see of him from the owner's box he's limp-wristedly clapping with a wry smile. He's already poured a billion dollars (estimate) into Chelsea and netted two Premier League titles.
If the trophy with the big ears eludes the Blues again, the floodgates will open. It might not even be in the form of buying Messi, Ronaldinho, Kaka, etc. Think more diabolical. Think along the lines of using some secret Siberian facility to clone the DNA of Ferenc Puskás, Garrincha, Jackie Milburn, George Best, Lev Yashin, Duncan Edwards, etc. into a team of XI super-humans. (Yes, this is the plot of the G.I. Joe five-part 'Arise Serpentor, Arise'.)
C'mon, it's not that crazy. Josef Stalin did want to create an army of half-human/half-ape soldiers.
Sad but true...but in a strange way amazing nonetheless.
In closing, this will be an epic game most likely, but not for the "right" reasons. There's going to be some sort of controversy that will mar whatever else happens, be it a handball (or missed handball), a sending off, a blown offside call. Something. That might be the cynic talking, but an enjoyable, free-flowing game isn't in the cards. Nor should it necessarily be expected. While you have the best players on the planet (in some cases) lining up across each other, the stakes is high.
As much as I hate to predict it, it's probably about time Chelsea breaksthrough in this competition. I'm no fan of their brutal, pound-you-into-submission style of play either. Against United though, it should be effective. The midfield of Ballack-Lampard-Mikel/Makelele ought to determine the pace of the game and control most of it.
United will be very dangerous on the counter and its pacey attackers (Ronaldo, Rooney, Nani, Tevez, etc.) could leave the Blues hacking at ghosts, yet this is the game that Ferguson rues the lack of a massive target-man in the middle. Unless a foul in a dangerous place on the field sets up a goal, it's hard to imagine United breaking down the Blues defense. It's very doubtful Ricardo Carvalho gives away a goal like he did in April.
Meanwhile Chelsea will probably find something through Drogba as his preening antics reach a crescendo. Ugh, I can see it now, the horse-face, the stringy hair, the open-mouth scream. Bah! There's also the chance that Chelsea score on a play that would be best dissected via Jerry Seinfeld and a pointer, as the ball bounces off every guy on the field and past Edwin Van Der Saar.
Will I root for United? Yes. Except of all the teams in the world, the Red Devils are playing maybe the only one they don't match-up favorably against. ... Chelsea 1, Manchester United 0 (possibly in extra time, warning, if you see a mushroom cloud in the distance...run.)
до свидания
Labels: champions league, Chelsea, manchester United, Soccer
Nice Preview, hitting a bunch of different areas, your disgust for Chelsea is evident, but you didn't let it cloud the fact that the Blues match up perfectly against (prob) the best team in the world. In a one game final the blues WILL win, C'mon Chelsea!
In fairness, I should point out that your initial greeting is mispelled. The correct spelling is здравствуйте. Not to be a nit-pick, but my ears (and eyes) perk up whenever the Russian comes out. Russians win in Manchester. Mancs win in Russia?
how could anyone contain their disgust for chelsea? Their players are loyal-less, money-lovers selling their services to the highest bidder and care for nothing else but their pocket book.
Their owner is a dirty oil baron who has started the wave of foreign investment that is now a REQUIREMENT to even contend for champions league places which has turned most of the leagues into a complete bore. It's not too exciting when every year you know there's only 2-4 teams with ANY shot of winning the title.
And their fans are the biggest bandwagon jumping upper class pansies I can think of. They're the type of fans that ruin every professional sporting team that suddenly gets hot. They buy all the tickets from the real fans (which chelsea doesn't have any of ironically) and then sit there silently the whole game never standing up, never saying a word and clapping politely. Pathetic.
I'd prefer to be mistaken for a serial killer than a chelsea fan.
Glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks United's lack of a true target forward could be their undoing in a match of this scale. I've been saying it for the last two years.
Say what you will about Abramovich.....you can't really dispute his taste in art.
http://fleshbot.com/392005/
Peter 'The Judas' Kenyon must be GUTTED! All that money, all the over-priced players they bought (most they've resigned to the scrapheap) - everything they've tried to buy with Romans ill gotten riches and they end up with a season with no silverware.
No moral compass and couldn't happen to a better team imo
http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/8854/terryuo1.jpg