Folks, the UEFA European Championship 2008 is almost upon us.
There's no dancing around the issue, this is a straight homage to ESPN's Bill Simmons who used to attempt things like this.
It's your Euro 2008 preview-cum-Big Lebowski quotes. What do the two have in common? Not all that much, but it doesn't hurt to try. So apologies up front right away to the Coen Brothers and Simmons for the portmanteau.
Now here's my cover for why this works. Let the Dude, Donny and Walter Sobchak explain.
* Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
* I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
* Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
* Walter, face it, there isn't any connection
There it is. If you want cold hard figures and copied Wikipedia stuffs, head elsewheres. Here, we're dreaming of Nixon, Saddam and Ronaldo bowling and marking it eight.
Forget the August Olympics in Beijing, this is the summer's international sporting tournament to pay attention to and love. All the games are on the ESPN family of networks this time around, for free no less, so there's no excuse not to watch.
And maybe after this tournament comes to its completion, the only European things left for Americans to loathe will be dance-pop, hairy armpits and dollar coins.
Enjoy!
But first...a bonus quote to set the mood.
"Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat." -- Sheriff of Malibu.
This goes to England, which did not qualify. It's pretty self explanatory.
"You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course." -- Walter Sobchak
This semi-surprising quote from NRA stalwart Sobchek goes to co-hosts Switzerland, which even more surprisingly has pretty lax firearms law.
Go figure.
All you need to know about the Swiss? They're exceedingly boring and their fans are lame. If they score more than twice it might be a surprise.
* How's the smut business Jackie?
* I wouldn't know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy and ...
* Which one was 'Logjammin''?
* Regrettably, it's true, standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It's video dude, Dude. Now we're competing with the amateurs, we can't afford to invest in that little extra in story, production value, feeling ... People forget the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. -- The Dude and Jackie Treehorn discuss semantics at his garden party.
This quote from the hated Jackie Treehorn goes to the hated Czech Republic. Though Czech coach Karel Bruckner doesn't treat objects like women, man, he is old and is clinging to the Czech old guard. Namely, the strike tandem of Jan Koller and Milan Baros.
Four years ago the Czechs were the revelation of the tournament, and the probably the best team. That didn't mean much, as they were bounced by the Greeks in the semifinals.
Baros won the 2004 Euro Golden Boot, then apparently decided to spend more time in the tanning beds and chasing chicks, than the football pitch. If he and Koller don't fire, then the Czechs are in some serious danger and need a superhuman performance from Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky, who missed the tail end of the club season. (Update, Rosicky is all but ruled out for the tournament.)
Overall a lot of that team and a lot of the 2006 World Cup team is back, minus the country's best all-time player -- Pavel Nedved. You could say they have experience on their side and know how to play together, or, they're stale.
The question is, can the old ways lead the Czechs back to where they couldn't go in each of the last two major internationals, or has the window shut closed?
And if we're talking big heads, there's few larger than the cranium of Koller, who when he dies it will be revealed it had a magnet inside it. That would explains his 54 goals in 86 internationals for the Czechskis.
Also, in medieval times, Koller probably would have been one of those giants that wielded those gigantic clubs with spikes in them.
*Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?
*Mmm.
*That was me... and six other guys. -- The Dude and Maude, post-coitus.
No disrespect to the rest of the squad, but Portugal is Cristiano Ronaldo right now. He's simply that good. Anyone can call him the world's best right now without even the slightest bit of hyperbole. He's so good, people who'd normally be offended or maddened by his winks, hair product and worldwide gay icon status, can't since he's too fun to watch play.
Now, anytime you have such a stud you have to like your chances and even though Ronaldo is playing at a level only dream about, Portugal still has a lot of horses. On top of that, they have a lot of winners on their side who've recently won titles like Ricardo Carvalho (Cheslea/Porto), Fernando Meira (Stuttgart), Pepe (Real Madrid), Deco (Porto/Barcelona), Ronaldo (Manchester United) etc.
Factor in that coach Big Phil Scolari has won a World Cup with Brasil and Portugal really have a lot working for them, including keeper Ricardo.
Also consider Portugal was knocked out of the final on home soil of Euro 2004 and went to the semifinals of the 2006 World Cup and this team seems primed to make that next big step in Austria and or Switzerland.
Of course, it all boils back to Ronaldo. He's playing at the level where all of his 11 opponents need to know where he is at all times. Plus, there's very few players in the world, let alone this group, that can go with him on the dribble. This makes opponents result to hacking away, which leads to fouls, ejections and freekicks -- where Ronaldo is equally deadly. No matter what, Ronald forces you to game plan against him.
Perhaps the only crack in the Portugal armor might be the Brasilian-born Deco, who had a rather indifferent season at Barcelona as the years of hard partying and Catalonian nightlife appears to be taking its toll. Also, if the Portuguese somehow manage to place second in this group, it probably means a date with Germany in the quarterfinals and that could spell an early exit.
Still, with a transcendent star and a talismanic coach, the time has never been better for Portugal to finally breakthrough on the international stage.
Okay, one last thing on Ronaldo. Somehow he's managed to wrestle the Ronaldo name away from the trannie-chasing, one-time Brasilian superstar. Think about that. Ronaldo (Brasil) is a multi-time FIFA player of the year, but he's relegated to the joke page now. The Cristiano is almost now redundant.
"Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?" -- Sheriff of Malibu.
That Sheriff of Malibu...a true black hat. A villain on par with Roy Stalin, Darth Vader, Anton Chigurh, etc.
That exchange goes to, perhaps, UEFA's least favorite member -- Turkey. Even if a little bit of the Turkish mainland connects with Europe proper via the Bosphorus Strait, the Turks seem more Asia Minor, not Europe Major.
Whatever. That's a quibble for cartographers.
What's not an issue is that the Turks will probably stick around as long as Mehmet Okur and Hedo Turkoglu combined to play defense this past NBA season -- more precisely, not very long. This is a team that barely qualified, edging out Norway by a point in qualification.
The Turks, with guys like Hassan Sas and Hakan Şükür, had a great run to fourth place at the 2002 World Cup and a quarterfinals spot at Euro 2000. That's a long time ago, aside from ancient -- like he was born when Istanbul was still Constantinople -- keeper Rüştü Reçber, it's a pretty new-ish team.
The one guy to watch is Villareal striker Nihat, who bagged 23 goals in 34 games for the Yellow Submarine this season.
Mehmet Aurelio has a funny name, because the Fenerbache-man is really from Brasil. Guess we can applaud him for at least making an effort with the name change thing.
The game to watch is when they play hosts Switzerland in Basel at St. Jakob Park. The two sides brawled after the final 2006 World Cup qualifier, that saw the Swiss win and punch a ticket to Germany after numerous sendings offs and penalties. Plus, the Swiss have a couple players of Turkish heritage.
This might be the only thing to make the Swiss or Turks tolerable.
"Donny you're out of your element!" -- Walter Sobchek
Poor co-hosts Austria. This is a country that never qualified for the Euro before. This is a team that missed out on the last two World Cups. This is a team that's going to have to relive World War II and the Anschluss when it players its cruel older brother Germany in the final group game on June 16.
The Habsburgs are probably rolling over in their graves and or vomiting up their schnitzel. Mmm, schnitzel.
Oh right, Austria has no chance. At one point, people in the country were petitioning for their exclusion from the event to save whatever was left of their national pride. (Paging Dr. Frued.)
Put it this way, Austria's current FIFA ranking is 101, which nestles them between Algeria and Tanzania. On the plus side, the Austrians have a full seven spots on Burkina Faso.
There is an alternate side to this argument that could play out. If you're Austria you've been hearing for the last eight years or so how outright miserable your team is and how you don't deserve to be in the tournament. Human nature says you ought to play with a bit of an edge, buoyed by the home crowd.
And on the reverse side, everyone that's playing Austria -- Poland and Croatia especially -- expects to come away with the three points. So the longer Austria holds out, the more the pressure mounts on the opponents. In international soccer, few teams handle playing with pressure well. By contrast Austria might have the youngest team in the tournament with 12 players under the age of 25. Maybe those spry young legs have a little more spring in them after the long European season than some of their opponents.
So to make a long story short, Austria come in with the lower expectations than people who went to see Indiana Jones 4. The Austrian public is basically hoping their XI isn't a wholly stinking turd, so if they put out even the slightest effort people will be pleased.
In closing though, Austria ought to heed the advice of its favorite son and "get to the chopper" before they lose too much dignity.
"Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click"." -- Jesus Quintana
That chestnut goes to Croatia, which in its native tongue is Hrvatska and sounds a whole lot cooler, albeit unpronounceable to most American rubes such as myself.
Croatia has the talent to make some noise in this tournament, however the horror-tackle in February on naturalized Brasilian forward Eduardo is a huge blow. Still, they are a side not to be trifled with, although like the Jesus they might simply be blowing a lot of smoke.
Personally, I want to see some magic stuff from the attacking midfield troika of Luka Modric, Niko Kranjcar and Darijo Srna. (Maybe this is overating things, due to Croatia edging out England in qualification and on top of them, they got a huge lift from Borat's 'stache.)
This team might be destined for the dreaded file of aesthetically pleasing squads that end up falling short of their goals. Croatia could dazzle in the group, but there old and slow defense will be exposed, especially if they finish second to Germany and get Portugal in the quarterfinals.
No matter what, expect a bunch of these players to follow Modric -- who was snapped up by Tottenham in April -- to head toward England, including coach Slaven Bilic.
"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos." -- Walter Sobchek
Probably the easiest quote of the bunch and the one that inspired all the rest goes to Germany -- Die Mannschaft. Three-time winners and one of the 2008 betting-line favorites, for good reason.
Usually you shouldn't put too much stock in history. It's doubtful before matches, players pense over what their country achieved in 1964 since that would involving reading. In Germany's case, history cannot be overlooked. Over the past 30-odd years, the most consistent European team has been Germany, however it hasn't gotten out of the group stage the last two tournaments. Weird.
Buoyed by a third place run at the last World Cup, Germany should do something here. There is some concern that a lot of its players are banged up and out of sorts. Torsten Frings, Christoph Metzelder and Bernd Schneider have all missed time this season.
There are probably only two you need to worry about -- Michael Ballack and Miroslav Klose, who are both excellent international tournament performers. Ballack, even moreso than Ronaldo to Portugal, could lift and carry his team all by himself. He's pretty evil looking and since he plays for Chelsea, impossible to root for, but in the last two or three months he might have been the best player in Europe. As for Klose, it doesn't look pretty, but he knows how to score.
If Klose tandems well with rising star striker Mario Gomez (28 goals in 32 games for Stuttgart) Germany could lead the tournament in goals.
And that's maybe why Germany is so tough. They never count each other out and never seem to have trouble getting a goal.
The opposite end of the field might yield the most trouble. The preferred central back pairing of Per Mertesacker and Metzelder might be good in games of Scrabble, but they're not especially quick yet but make up for it with brains. It shouldn't be a bother in the group, but might catch up with the Tuetons down the stretch.
There are some definite red flags with Germany, but only a fool would expect a third-straight Euro group-stage knockout as many teams might end up feeling just like the Dude as in, "My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off."
"Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, but I'm very busy, as I imagine you are. What can I do for you, sir? -- The Big Lebowski
Naturally, this goes to Poland, which believe it or not, just got a Brasilian (Roger Guerreiro) to naturalize and claim a passport at the last minute. (As we know, never good for karma.)
Poland does have aging Dutch mastermind Leo Beenhakker pulling the strings, which resulted in the nation's first Euro appearance. Also, if you clicked on the link you'll note his craggly, nicotine ravaged face, which ought to look great on ESPN2 HD. (He likes cigars, fact.)
Aside from forward Ebi Smolarek, the Poles lack flair. They do posses the would-be vaudeville act of defenders Jacek Bąk and Mariusz Jop, but that doesn't necessarily ensure points. Celtic No. 1 Artur Boruc is a quality keeper, and might be the best in this group depending on how fluffy Germany's Jens Lehmann perm is on a given day.
Poland's most important match is its first, the June 8 clash (and I mean CLASH) with Germany in Klagenfurt, Austria. Maybe the only thing missing from this match will be a couple Panzer tanks, though they might be useful for security. If you know anything about the year 1939, the Poles have a serious ax to grind with Germany. (FYI, German forward Lucas Podolski and Miroslav Klose are both essentially Polish with Polish parents.)
The Polish fans will probably demand blood and if a Polish player is able to score, especially the winner, he'll be an all-time hero in the country.
Right up there with Copernicus and that guy who invented the screen door submarine. (Sorry, honest. Couldn't restrain myself.)
Sadly, that's probably the only time we need to pay attention to the Poles.
"You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!" -- Walter Sobchak
This depressing nugget goes to the Netherlands.
For whatever the reason, there's always a black cloud hovering over the Dutch. This year's Euro should be no different, as lame-duck coach Marco van Basten apparently can't get along with any of his players. Maybe he's made them watch footage of his game-winner in the 1988 Euro final against the USSR too many times. (Yeah, it was amazing.)
The Dutch have some very good individual players (Sneijder, van der Vaart, Robben, etc.) but in the case of the Oranje, the parts are greater than the sum of the whole.
There's not a lot to say about the Dutch that you don't already know, as in funny names and massively disappointing.
* Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
* 'Scuse me?
* Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
* I was talking about my rug.
* You're not interested in sex?
* You mean coitus? -- Maude and Jeffrey Lebowski discuss baby-making.
Who else could this go to but the sex panthers of Italy, who are probably co-favorites with Germany.
It's tough to knock a team that's coming off a World Cup victory in 2006, but consider these things.
1. New coach, as Marcelo Lippi has been replaced by ex-MetroStar Roberto Donadoni and is a dead ringer for Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne. (No word on if Donadoni uses Vaseline.)
2. When Italy won in 2006, it was in the midst of a huge match-fixing scandal that galvanized the squad into a true band of brothers.
3. No Franceso Totti. He might be a clown, but he's also one of the rare iconic players that can carry team and brings that as the French say, 'Je ne sais quoi' to the table.
4. Is it possible for Fabio Cannavaro is play as well defensively as he did two years ago in Germany? (The answer -- no. He tore ankle ligaments Monday in training and is out for the tournament.)
Italy will be near impossible to score on, but scoring on the other end -- if not the sack -- could be a challenge even with Luca Toni on board.
This team could win a lot of 1-0 and 0-0 games via shootouts, but they really ought to fear a challenge from the Romanians.
Maybe the biggest question is how bad do the players want to copy France from 1998/2000 and complete the World Cup/Euro double.
"Who the fuck are the Knutsens?" -- The Dude
This brother shamus exchange goes to rank outsides, Romania.
Seriously, how in the name of Gheorghe Hagi are the Romanians the Euro after going a decade without a major tournament?
For starters they finished ahead of the Dutch in their qualifying group. Second, for what its worth, the Romanian league somehow rates very highly in the UEFA coefficient standings.
It's shame Romania was drawn into such a difficult group, because there's a lot to like here. The bulk of the players come from the Steaua Bucarest, so that gives them a bit of cohesion, unlike other squads. Also, since nearly half the team plies its trade in Romania, it's not very likely their opponents know too much about them.
The one player everyone will hear about is star striker Adrian Mutu (aka Murgu in the FIFA games). Yes, he was once banned for doing coke. To think, a professional footballer tooting nose candy. Shocking.
Anyways, Mutu quietly had one of the best seasons in Europe, helping Fiorentina to the Champions League proper via a third-place finish in Serie A. The once disgraced Mutu bagged 23 goals in 35 games this season. It's a safe bet the Italian defense will mark 'Il Fenomeno' pretty heavily.
Mutu should have some help in up-and-coming playmaker Bănel Nicoliţă and Ciprian Marica.
Above all, Romania jointly possesses the two best names at the Euro in defenders Răzvan Raţ and Cosmin Contra.
Too bad the up up, down down, left right, left right, b a, select start code likely will not aid the Romaians in getting out of this tournament's 'Group of Death.'
* These are, uh...
* Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak.
* Different mothers, huh?
* No.
* Racially he's pretty cool? -- The Dude and Brandt discuss the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
So, is France racially cool? Beats me.
Are they Achievers? We'll find out soon enough.
Seems like every time you talk Les Blues, you talk about the racial component of the team. (Lithuania was fined for fans that unfurled a map of Africa painted with the French tri-color during a qualifier.) The French are probably the most ethnically diverse team in the tournament, with both Patrick Viera (Senegal) and Claude Makalele (DR Congo) born in sub-Saharan Africa and a host of youngsters tracing their lineage to places like Algeria.
Should this matter in a sporting event? Probably not. From an American perspective, they're makeup might be the closest to a Yank team as hard as that might be to believe. It is 2008, after all, and the traditional image most have of Europe has forever changed.
Defender Liliam Thuram could be one of the most educated and worldly active athletes. Unlike most American athletes who scare at the mere mention of political activism, Thuram is one of the chief player voices in trying to eliminate racism from European terraces.
It does bear noting, as opposing fans will risk penalty for their team with racial cat calls. That's the last time we'll discuss the issue. (Though the concept of naturalized players will be discussed Friday.)
Beyond that France could be the enigma of the tournament. The core of the team, sans Zidane, went to penalty kicks in the 2006 World Cup. A lot of players were on the 1998 World Cup/2000 Euro winners as well. From there, France was poor at the 2002 World Cup and at the 2004 Euro. So, with a runner-up at 2006, should the pattern continue for a solid tournament this month?
France has plenty of miles on it, like a 1994 Peugot. So will they be old and crafty or old and slow?
More concerning might be that many of Les Blues had very poor clubs seasons, most notably Theirry Henry. Viera never seemed to get rolling at Inter (and now might miss the tournament) and Anelka was spotty after moving from Bolton to Chelsea.
On the other side, winger Franck Ribery was voted the Bundesliga's top player for 2007-08, but will it be possible for him to achieve the same success as the 2006 World Cup when he arrived in front of the world?
The challenge for nutty coach Raymond Domenech (eyebrows to rival Scorcese) is to integrate theold ancient with the young guns like Lyon's (for the time being)Samir Nasri and Karim Benzema and St. Ettienne's Bafetimbi Gomis (Sportscenter Top 10 award winner) with the old guard of Viera, Makalele, Thuram, etc.
With only three games in a tough group is that possible?
Perhaps the best answer would to be like Domenech and look to the stars for guidance.
* You never went to college...
* Oh, no I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings... smoking a lot of thai stick... breaking into the ROTC... and bowling. To tell you the truth Brandt, I don't remember most of it. -- Brandt and the Dude make small talk.
Yes, Greece did actually win Euro 2004 as hard as it might be to remember.
Essentially most of Otto Rehhagel's shock championship team is back, including silverfox keeper Antonis Nikopoldis. This is a group that played a disciplined defensive system and got huge goals off counters and set plays, possibly from the skull of 6-foot-5 defender Traianos Dellas.
The one guy to watch is Bundesliga goal machine Fanis Gekas.
To make it short, lightning isn't striking twice. Pass the cucumber sauce.
"I am here to fix the television. ... We cut off your Johnson." -- Karl Hungus
The double goes to Sweden, on the strength of the country's best import -- actor Peter Stormare.
Now, this is an obvious comparison but I'll submit to temptation yet again. This Sweden side really is like IKEA furniture. You think you're getting a bargain, you think you're getting something good, but don't be misled.
This team isn't 'bout it' at all and they're missing that two-inch Allen Wrench needed to put the entire bedroom set together.
Yes, the Swedes have plenty of good, well-known players yet something appears to be missing. Zlatan Ibrahimovic could be the best player in the world -- in YouTube clips. All the cheeky flicks and dribbles look pretty, but he never seems to dominate for a full 90 like he should.
The rest of Sweden? Meh. Freddie Ljunberg is older than dirt and has about as much left in the tank as a 1989 Volvo station wagon. Olof Mellberg might actually be an unfrozen Viking, but he alone isn't enough to get Sweden anywhere.
Hate to put it like this, but this current Sweden team needs a full body enema.
"Strong men also cry... strong men also cry." -- The Big Lebowski, in his fireside seclusion in the West Wing.
Yep, that goes to the muy macho men from Spain who without fail underachieve at every international tournament.
If you were picking a world soccer all-star team from Europe there'd be a lot of Spanish players in the top picks. Fernando Torres, Cesc Fabregas, David Villa, Xavi, Iniesta and the perhaps the world's best keeper in Iker Casilla.
Something always seems missing for Spain. Not sure what it is. Leaving Raul -- the all time leading scorer -- off the squad doesn't bode well for karma. Nor does geriatric coach Luis Aragones. Just google him. The time to put him out to pasture with his paella has long since past.
Spain is a team that can hold the ball forever and mount pressure, but mentally, against a good, bunkered down defensive team they never seem to shine. And where is the leader on this team? Sideshow Carlos Puyol?
Even if they win this group, as they should, the Spaniards likely get either Italy or France in the quarterfinals. Spain is a team that really could and should win this tournament, but the ghosts of the past probably keep it from happening.
"Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus." -- The Dude
One of my favorite lines from the film goes to Russia. Quick, name a Russian player. Slower, spell a Russian player's name.
Sorry for that.
Don't sleep on Russia. For one thing, they have the true coaching talisman in Dutchman Guus Hiddink. Next, the whole team except for one player is based in Russia. The Ruskies are mostly young and pretty strong and athletic, making them a tough matchup in a weird 3-5-2 setup. The most well-known Russia, Aleksandr Kerzhakov (formerly of Sevilla) isn't even in the team.
Players could and should emerge as stars from the Russian side. So where the quote applies, is that some of these players are going to shine and get some big-money contracts from European clubs looking to appease their supporters. Perhaps twin defenders Alexei and Vasil Berezutsky or Diniyar Bilyaletdinov could fit the bill.
Russia has two pretty capable keepers in Igor Akinfeev and Vyacheslav Malafeev, which is always a good thing.
The one chink in Russia's armor is that captain Andrei Arshavin is suspended for the first two matches.
With Zenit St. Petersburg winning the 2008 UEFA Cup and millions of oligarchs dollars pouring into the Russian Super League, maybe we're entering a new epoch for Russian football.
No, Russia won't repeat the feat of the 1960 USSR team and win the tournament, but John Milinus strike me down, but Russia could be the surprise of the tournament. (Lebowski afficianados will certainly appreciate that reference.)
...
Friday we'll get into some tournament miscellania and predicting the field.
Remember, if you don't agree, that's just like your opinion man.
There's no dancing around the issue, this is a straight homage to ESPN's Bill Simmons who used to attempt things like this.
It's your Euro 2008 preview-cum-Big Lebowski quotes. What do the two have in common? Not all that much, but it doesn't hurt to try. So apologies up front right away to the Coen Brothers and Simmons for the portmanteau.
Now here's my cover for why this works. Let the Dude, Donny and Walter Sobchak explain.
* Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
* I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
* Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
* Walter, face it, there isn't any connection
There it is. If you want cold hard figures and copied Wikipedia stuffs, head elsewheres. Here, we're dreaming of Nixon, Saddam and Ronaldo bowling and marking it eight.
Forget the August Olympics in Beijing, this is the summer's international sporting tournament to pay attention to and love. All the games are on the ESPN family of networks this time around, for free no less, so there's no excuse not to watch.
And maybe after this tournament comes to its completion, the only European things left for Americans to loathe will be dance-pop, hairy armpits and dollar coins.
Enjoy!
But first...a bonus quote to set the mood.
"Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat." -- Sheriff of Malibu.
This goes to England, which did not qualify. It's pretty self explanatory.
Group A
"You know, Dude, I myself dabbled in pacifism once. Not in 'Nam of course." -- Walter Sobchak
This semi-surprising quote from NRA stalwart Sobchek goes to co-hosts Switzerland, which even more surprisingly has pretty lax firearms law.
Go figure.
All you need to know about the Swiss? They're exceedingly boring and their fans are lame. If they score more than twice it might be a surprise.
* How's the smut business Jackie?
* I wouldn't know, Dude. I deal in publishing, entertainment, political advocacy and ...
* Which one was 'Logjammin''?
* Regrettably, it's true, standards have fallen in adult entertainment. It's video dude, Dude. Now we're competing with the amateurs, we can't afford to invest in that little extra in story, production value, feeling ... People forget the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. -- The Dude and Jackie Treehorn discuss semantics at his garden party.
This quote from the hated Jackie Treehorn goes to the hated Czech Republic. Though Czech coach Karel Bruckner doesn't treat objects like women, man, he is old and is clinging to the Czech old guard. Namely, the strike tandem of Jan Koller and Milan Baros.
Four years ago the Czechs were the revelation of the tournament, and the probably the best team. That didn't mean much, as they were bounced by the Greeks in the semifinals.
Baros won the 2004 Euro Golden Boot, then apparently decided to spend more time in the tanning beds and chasing chicks, than the football pitch. If he and Koller don't fire, then the Czechs are in some serious danger and need a superhuman performance from Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky, who missed the tail end of the club season. (Update, Rosicky is all but ruled out for the tournament.)
Overall a lot of that team and a lot of the 2006 World Cup team is back, minus the country's best all-time player -- Pavel Nedved. You could say they have experience on their side and know how to play together, or, they're stale.
The question is, can the old ways lead the Czechs back to where they couldn't go in each of the last two major internationals, or has the window shut closed?
And if we're talking big heads, there's few larger than the cranium of Koller, who when he dies it will be revealed it had a magnet inside it. That would explains his 54 goals in 86 internationals for the Czechskis.
Also, in medieval times, Koller probably would have been one of those giants that wielded those gigantic clubs with spikes in them.
*Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?
*Mmm.
*That was me... and six other guys. -- The Dude and Maude, post-coitus.
No disrespect to the rest of the squad, but Portugal is Cristiano Ronaldo right now. He's simply that good. Anyone can call him the world's best right now without even the slightest bit of hyperbole. He's so good, people who'd normally be offended or maddened by his winks, hair product and worldwide gay icon status, can't since he's too fun to watch play.
Now, anytime you have such a stud you have to like your chances and even though Ronaldo is playing at a level only dream about, Portugal still has a lot of horses. On top of that, they have a lot of winners on their side who've recently won titles like Ricardo Carvalho (Cheslea/Porto), Fernando Meira (Stuttgart), Pepe (Real Madrid), Deco (Porto/Barcelona), Ronaldo (Manchester United) etc.
Factor in that coach Big Phil Scolari has won a World Cup with Brasil and Portugal really have a lot working for them, including keeper Ricardo.
Also consider Portugal was knocked out of the final on home soil of Euro 2004 and went to the semifinals of the 2006 World Cup and this team seems primed to make that next big step in Austria and or Switzerland.
Of course, it all boils back to Ronaldo. He's playing at the level where all of his 11 opponents need to know where he is at all times. Plus, there's very few players in the world, let alone this group, that can go with him on the dribble. This makes opponents result to hacking away, which leads to fouls, ejections and freekicks -- where Ronaldo is equally deadly. No matter what, Ronald forces you to game plan against him.
Perhaps the only crack in the Portugal armor might be the Brasilian-born Deco, who had a rather indifferent season at Barcelona as the years of hard partying and Catalonian nightlife appears to be taking its toll. Also, if the Portuguese somehow manage to place second in this group, it probably means a date with Germany in the quarterfinals and that could spell an early exit.
Still, with a transcendent star and a talismanic coach, the time has never been better for Portugal to finally breakthrough on the international stage.
Okay, one last thing on Ronaldo. Somehow he's managed to wrestle the Ronaldo name away from the trannie-chasing, one-time Brasilian superstar. Think about that. Ronaldo (Brasil) is a multi-time FIFA player of the year, but he's relegated to the joke page now. The Cristiano is almost now redundant.
"Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?" -- Sheriff of Malibu.
That Sheriff of Malibu...a true black hat. A villain on par with Roy Stalin, Darth Vader, Anton Chigurh, etc.
That exchange goes to, perhaps, UEFA's least favorite member -- Turkey. Even if a little bit of the Turkish mainland connects with Europe proper via the Bosphorus Strait, the Turks seem more Asia Minor, not Europe Major.
Whatever. That's a quibble for cartographers.
What's not an issue is that the Turks will probably stick around as long as Mehmet Okur and Hedo Turkoglu combined to play defense this past NBA season -- more precisely, not very long. This is a team that barely qualified, edging out Norway by a point in qualification.
The Turks, with guys like Hassan Sas and Hakan Şükür, had a great run to fourth place at the 2002 World Cup and a quarterfinals spot at Euro 2000. That's a long time ago, aside from ancient -- like he was born when Istanbul was still Constantinople -- keeper Rüştü Reçber, it's a pretty new-ish team.
The one guy to watch is Villareal striker Nihat, who bagged 23 goals in 34 games for the Yellow Submarine this season.
Mehmet Aurelio has a funny name, because the Fenerbache-man is really from Brasil. Guess we can applaud him for at least making an effort with the name change thing.
The game to watch is when they play hosts Switzerland in Basel at St. Jakob Park. The two sides brawled after the final 2006 World Cup qualifier, that saw the Swiss win and punch a ticket to Germany after numerous sendings offs and penalties. Plus, the Swiss have a couple players of Turkish heritage.
This might be the only thing to make the Swiss or Turks tolerable.
Group B
"Donny you're out of your element!" -- Walter Sobchek
Poor co-hosts Austria. This is a country that never qualified for the Euro before. This is a team that missed out on the last two World Cups. This is a team that's going to have to relive World War II and the Anschluss when it players its cruel older brother Germany in the final group game on June 16.
The Habsburgs are probably rolling over in their graves and or vomiting up their schnitzel. Mmm, schnitzel.
Oh right, Austria has no chance. At one point, people in the country were petitioning for their exclusion from the event to save whatever was left of their national pride. (Paging Dr. Frued.)
Put it this way, Austria's current FIFA ranking is 101, which nestles them between Algeria and Tanzania. On the plus side, the Austrians have a full seven spots on Burkina Faso.
There is an alternate side to this argument that could play out. If you're Austria you've been hearing for the last eight years or so how outright miserable your team is and how you don't deserve to be in the tournament. Human nature says you ought to play with a bit of an edge, buoyed by the home crowd.
And on the reverse side, everyone that's playing Austria -- Poland and Croatia especially -- expects to come away with the three points. So the longer Austria holds out, the more the pressure mounts on the opponents. In international soccer, few teams handle playing with pressure well. By contrast Austria might have the youngest team in the tournament with 12 players under the age of 25. Maybe those spry young legs have a little more spring in them after the long European season than some of their opponents.
So to make a long story short, Austria come in with the lower expectations than people who went to see Indiana Jones 4. The Austrian public is basically hoping their XI isn't a wholly stinking turd, so if they put out even the slightest effort people will be pleased.
In closing though, Austria ought to heed the advice of its favorite son and "get to the chopper" before they lose too much dignity.
"Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click"." -- Jesus Quintana
That chestnut goes to Croatia, which in its native tongue is Hrvatska and sounds a whole lot cooler, albeit unpronounceable to most American rubes such as myself.
Croatia has the talent to make some noise in this tournament, however the horror-tackle in February on naturalized Brasilian forward Eduardo is a huge blow. Still, they are a side not to be trifled with, although like the Jesus they might simply be blowing a lot of smoke.
Personally, I want to see some magic stuff from the attacking midfield troika of Luka Modric, Niko Kranjcar and Darijo Srna. (Maybe this is overating things, due to Croatia edging out England in qualification and on top of them, they got a huge lift from Borat's 'stache.)
This team might be destined for the dreaded file of aesthetically pleasing squads that end up falling short of their goals. Croatia could dazzle in the group, but there old and slow defense will be exposed, especially if they finish second to Germany and get Portugal in the quarterfinals.
No matter what, expect a bunch of these players to follow Modric -- who was snapped up by Tottenham in April -- to head toward England, including coach Slaven Bilic.
"Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos." -- Walter Sobchek
Probably the easiest quote of the bunch and the one that inspired all the rest goes to Germany -- Die Mannschaft. Three-time winners and one of the 2008 betting-line favorites, for good reason.
Usually you shouldn't put too much stock in history. It's doubtful before matches, players pense over what their country achieved in 1964 since that would involving reading. In Germany's case, history cannot be overlooked. Over the past 30-odd years, the most consistent European team has been Germany, however it hasn't gotten out of the group stage the last two tournaments. Weird.
Buoyed by a third place run at the last World Cup, Germany should do something here. There is some concern that a lot of its players are banged up and out of sorts. Torsten Frings, Christoph Metzelder and Bernd Schneider have all missed time this season.
There are probably only two you need to worry about -- Michael Ballack and Miroslav Klose, who are both excellent international tournament performers. Ballack, even moreso than Ronaldo to Portugal, could lift and carry his team all by himself. He's pretty evil looking and since he plays for Chelsea, impossible to root for, but in the last two or three months he might have been the best player in Europe. As for Klose, it doesn't look pretty, but he knows how to score.
If Klose tandems well with rising star striker Mario Gomez (28 goals in 32 games for Stuttgart) Germany could lead the tournament in goals.
And that's maybe why Germany is so tough. They never count each other out and never seem to have trouble getting a goal.
The opposite end of the field might yield the most trouble. The preferred central back pairing of Per Mertesacker and Metzelder might be good in games of Scrabble, but they're not especially quick yet but make up for it with brains. It shouldn't be a bother in the group, but might catch up with the Tuetons down the stretch.
There are some definite red flags with Germany, but only a fool would expect a third-straight Euro group-stage knockout as many teams might end up feeling just like the Dude as in, "My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off."
"Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski, that's terrific, but I'm very busy, as I imagine you are. What can I do for you, sir? -- The Big Lebowski
Naturally, this goes to Poland, which believe it or not, just got a Brasilian (Roger Guerreiro) to naturalize and claim a passport at the last minute. (As we know, never good for karma.)
Poland does have aging Dutch mastermind Leo Beenhakker pulling the strings, which resulted in the nation's first Euro appearance. Also, if you clicked on the link you'll note his craggly, nicotine ravaged face, which ought to look great on ESPN2 HD. (He likes cigars, fact.)
Aside from forward Ebi Smolarek, the Poles lack flair. They do posses the would-be vaudeville act of defenders Jacek Bąk and Mariusz Jop, but that doesn't necessarily ensure points. Celtic No. 1 Artur Boruc is a quality keeper, and might be the best in this group depending on how fluffy Germany's Jens Lehmann perm is on a given day.
Poland's most important match is its first, the June 8 clash (and I mean CLASH) with Germany in Klagenfurt, Austria. Maybe the only thing missing from this match will be a couple Panzer tanks, though they might be useful for security. If you know anything about the year 1939, the Poles have a serious ax to grind with Germany. (FYI, German forward Lucas Podolski and Miroslav Klose are both essentially Polish with Polish parents.)
The Polish fans will probably demand blood and if a Polish player is able to score, especially the winner, he'll be an all-time hero in the country.
Right up there with Copernicus and that guy who invented the screen door submarine. (Sorry, honest. Couldn't restrain myself.)
Sadly, that's probably the only time we need to pay attention to the Poles.
Group C
"You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!" -- Walter Sobchak
This depressing nugget goes to the Netherlands.
For whatever the reason, there's always a black cloud hovering over the Dutch. This year's Euro should be no different, as lame-duck coach Marco van Basten apparently can't get along with any of his players. Maybe he's made them watch footage of his game-winner in the 1988 Euro final against the USSR too many times. (Yeah, it was amazing.)
The Dutch have some very good individual players (Sneijder, van der Vaart, Robben, etc.) but in the case of the Oranje, the parts are greater than the sum of the whole.
There's not a lot to say about the Dutch that you don't already know, as in funny names and massively disappointing.
* Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
* 'Scuse me?
* Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
* I was talking about my rug.
* You're not interested in sex?
* You mean coitus? -- Maude and Jeffrey Lebowski discuss baby-making.
Who else could this go to but the sex panthers of Italy, who are probably co-favorites with Germany.
It's tough to knock a team that's coming off a World Cup victory in 2006, but consider these things.
1. New coach, as Marcelo Lippi has been replaced by ex-MetroStar Roberto Donadoni and is a dead ringer for Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne. (No word on if Donadoni uses Vaseline.)
2. When Italy won in 2006, it was in the midst of a huge match-fixing scandal that galvanized the squad into a true band of brothers.
3. No Franceso Totti. He might be a clown, but he's also one of the rare iconic players that can carry team and brings that as the French say, 'Je ne sais quoi' to the table.
4. Is it possible for Fabio Cannavaro is play as well defensively as he did two years ago in Germany? (The answer -- no. He tore ankle ligaments Monday in training and is out for the tournament.)
Italy will be near impossible to score on, but scoring on the other end -- if not the sack -- could be a challenge even with Luca Toni on board.
This team could win a lot of 1-0 and 0-0 games via shootouts, but they really ought to fear a challenge from the Romanians.
Maybe the biggest question is how bad do the players want to copy France from 1998/2000 and complete the World Cup/Euro double.
"Who the fuck are the Knutsens?" -- The Dude
This brother shamus exchange goes to rank outsides, Romania.
Seriously, how in the name of Gheorghe Hagi are the Romanians the Euro after going a decade without a major tournament?
For starters they finished ahead of the Dutch in their qualifying group. Second, for what its worth, the Romanian league somehow rates very highly in the UEFA coefficient standings.
It's shame Romania was drawn into such a difficult group, because there's a lot to like here. The bulk of the players come from the Steaua Bucarest, so that gives them a bit of cohesion, unlike other squads. Also, since nearly half the team plies its trade in Romania, it's not very likely their opponents know too much about them.
The one player everyone will hear about is star striker Adrian Mutu (aka Murgu in the FIFA games). Yes, he was once banned for doing coke. To think, a professional footballer tooting nose candy. Shocking.
Anyways, Mutu quietly had one of the best seasons in Europe, helping Fiorentina to the Champions League proper via a third-place finish in Serie A. The once disgraced Mutu bagged 23 goals in 35 games this season. It's a safe bet the Italian defense will mark 'Il Fenomeno' pretty heavily.
Mutu should have some help in up-and-coming playmaker Bănel Nicoliţă and Ciprian Marica.
Above all, Romania jointly possesses the two best names at the Euro in defenders Răzvan Raţ and Cosmin Contra.
Too bad the up up, down down, left right, left right, b a, select start code likely will not aid the Romaians in getting out of this tournament's 'Group of Death.'
* These are, uh...
* Oh, those are Mr Lebowski's children, so to speak.
* Different mothers, huh?
* No.
* Racially he's pretty cool? -- The Dude and Brandt discuss the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
So, is France racially cool? Beats me.
Are they Achievers? We'll find out soon enough.
Seems like every time you talk Les Blues, you talk about the racial component of the team. (Lithuania was fined for fans that unfurled a map of Africa painted with the French tri-color during a qualifier.) The French are probably the most ethnically diverse team in the tournament, with both Patrick Viera (Senegal) and Claude Makalele (DR Congo) born in sub-Saharan Africa and a host of youngsters tracing their lineage to places like Algeria.
Should this matter in a sporting event? Probably not. From an American perspective, they're makeup might be the closest to a Yank team as hard as that might be to believe. It is 2008, after all, and the traditional image most have of Europe has forever changed.
Defender Liliam Thuram could be one of the most educated and worldly active athletes. Unlike most American athletes who scare at the mere mention of political activism, Thuram is one of the chief player voices in trying to eliminate racism from European terraces.
It does bear noting, as opposing fans will risk penalty for their team with racial cat calls. That's the last time we'll discuss the issue. (Though the concept of naturalized players will be discussed Friday.)
Beyond that France could be the enigma of the tournament. The core of the team, sans Zidane, went to penalty kicks in the 2006 World Cup. A lot of players were on the 1998 World Cup/2000 Euro winners as well. From there, France was poor at the 2002 World Cup and at the 2004 Euro. So, with a runner-up at 2006, should the pattern continue for a solid tournament this month?
France has plenty of miles on it, like a 1994 Peugot. So will they be old and crafty or old and slow?
More concerning might be that many of Les Blues had very poor clubs seasons, most notably Theirry Henry. Viera never seemed to get rolling at Inter (and now might miss the tournament) and Anelka was spotty after moving from Bolton to Chelsea.
On the other side, winger Franck Ribery was voted the Bundesliga's top player for 2007-08, but will it be possible for him to achieve the same success as the 2006 World Cup when he arrived in front of the world?
The challenge for nutty coach Raymond Domenech (eyebrows to rival Scorcese) is to integrate the
With only three games in a tough group is that possible?
Perhaps the best answer would to be like Domenech and look to the stars for guidance.
Group D
* You never went to college...
* Oh, no I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings... smoking a lot of thai stick... breaking into the ROTC... and bowling. To tell you the truth Brandt, I don't remember most of it. -- Brandt and the Dude make small talk.
Yes, Greece did actually win Euro 2004 as hard as it might be to remember.
Essentially most of Otto Rehhagel's shock championship team is back, including silverfox keeper Antonis Nikopoldis. This is a group that played a disciplined defensive system and got huge goals off counters and set plays, possibly from the skull of 6-foot-5 defender Traianos Dellas.
The one guy to watch is Bundesliga goal machine Fanis Gekas.
To make it short, lightning isn't striking twice. Pass the cucumber sauce.
"I am here to fix the television. ... We cut off your Johnson." -- Karl Hungus
The double goes to Sweden, on the strength of the country's best import -- actor Peter Stormare.
Now, this is an obvious comparison but I'll submit to temptation yet again. This Sweden side really is like IKEA furniture. You think you're getting a bargain, you think you're getting something good, but don't be misled.
This team isn't 'bout it' at all and they're missing that two-inch Allen Wrench needed to put the entire bedroom set together.
Yes, the Swedes have plenty of good, well-known players yet something appears to be missing. Zlatan Ibrahimovic could be the best player in the world -- in YouTube clips. All the cheeky flicks and dribbles look pretty, but he never seems to dominate for a full 90 like he should.
The rest of Sweden? Meh. Freddie Ljunberg is older than dirt and has about as much left in the tank as a 1989 Volvo station wagon. Olof Mellberg might actually be an unfrozen Viking, but he alone isn't enough to get Sweden anywhere.
Hate to put it like this, but this current Sweden team needs a full body enema.
"Strong men also cry... strong men also cry." -- The Big Lebowski, in his fireside seclusion in the West Wing.
Yep, that goes to the muy macho men from Spain who without fail underachieve at every international tournament.
If you were picking a world soccer all-star team from Europe there'd be a lot of Spanish players in the top picks. Fernando Torres, Cesc Fabregas, David Villa, Xavi, Iniesta and the perhaps the world's best keeper in Iker Casilla.
Something always seems missing for Spain. Not sure what it is. Leaving Raul -- the all time leading scorer -- off the squad doesn't bode well for karma. Nor does geriatric coach Luis Aragones. Just google him. The time to put him out to pasture with his paella has long since past.
Spain is a team that can hold the ball forever and mount pressure, but mentally, against a good, bunkered down defensive team they never seem to shine. And where is the leader on this team? Sideshow Carlos Puyol?
Even if they win this group, as they should, the Spaniards likely get either Italy or France in the quarterfinals. Spain is a team that really could and should win this tournament, but the ghosts of the past probably keep it from happening.
"Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus." -- The Dude
One of my favorite lines from the film goes to Russia. Quick, name a Russian player. Slower, spell a Russian player's name.
Sorry for that.
Don't sleep on Russia. For one thing, they have the true coaching talisman in Dutchman Guus Hiddink. Next, the whole team except for one player is based in Russia. The Ruskies are mostly young and pretty strong and athletic, making them a tough matchup in a weird 3-5-2 setup. The most well-known Russia, Aleksandr Kerzhakov (formerly of Sevilla) isn't even in the team.
Players could and should emerge as stars from the Russian side. So where the quote applies, is that some of these players are going to shine and get some big-money contracts from European clubs looking to appease their supporters. Perhaps twin defenders Alexei and Vasil Berezutsky or Diniyar Bilyaletdinov could fit the bill.
Russia has two pretty capable keepers in Igor Akinfeev and Vyacheslav Malafeev, which is always a good thing.
The one chink in Russia's armor is that captain Andrei Arshavin is suspended for the first two matches.
With Zenit St. Petersburg winning the 2008 UEFA Cup and millions of oligarchs dollars pouring into the Russian Super League, maybe we're entering a new epoch for Russian football.
No, Russia won't repeat the feat of the 1960 USSR team and win the tournament, but John Milinus strike me down, but Russia could be the surprise of the tournament. (Lebowski afficianados will certainly appreciate that reference.)
...
Friday we'll get into some tournament miscellania and predicting the field.
Remember, if you don't agree, that's just like your opinion man.
Labels: Euro 2008, Soccer, the big lebowski
Well done...Lebowski Contra and a dig at Deco, all in a days work.
for it to be a true simmons article you have to find some way to incorporate Boston and the new England patriots. I used to like that guy then I got tired of cleaning up the screen after reading about his blow job to that city. Other than that the style was spot on.
Can't wait to see how the Czechs play Saturday
I'm confused how Spain could possibly play Spain after the group stage.
Kevin Kuranyi was born in Brazil, a country much more well known for it futbol than Panama.
It's a high probability that Deco won't start for Portugal and that Ronaldo will play attacking midfield in order to make room for Portugal's other extremely talented wingers.
The only people who thought Raul deserved to be in the Spain team were the Raul-loving Spanish press and Real Madrid.
All in all a decent preview for people who don't follow the beautiful game.
Just gimme the bleepin ringer!
Cardillo, your insights re soccer are respected as is your knowledge of all things Lebowski.
However, I think you're going to regret sleeping on the Dutch. Yes. Van Basten is hated by many on his own team. Yes, Ryan Babel's busted ankle is going to hurt them. But if there is one thing I know about the Dutch, its that they usually don't disappoint until after the group stage. And with the potential resurgence of Ruud, Robben-cop and Robbie Van P, the inevitability of either Italy and or France buckling under their countries' unrealistically high expectations and an over-confident Romania, I have little doubt the Netherlands will advance and maybe win a game in the knockouts.
Hope all is well with you. I will check in again next time I am killing time (and a few silver bullets) late at night watching Miami Vice for the 50th time (i.e. soon).
Wow! I couldn't imagine an American to have such extraordinary insight into European soccer. But that's because of my limited imagination, I presume. May I just add that the Turks made fourth place in '02 rather than in '98...
And although criticising inadequate metaphor use might be too much nit-picking, I must disapprove (as a German) on referring to Germany as being the cruel older brother of Austria. Historically speaking, we shall be guilty as charged when it comes to cruelty, but how can Germany be the older brother, as modern Austria has been founded on the traditions of the mediaeval Archduchy, while the roots of modern Germany can only be traced back to the North German Federation of 1866?
There's only one way to describe this post: A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous.
Great job, again. Ignore the hate.