After another surprisingly busy summer, the 2008-09 Premier League season is upon us. Maybe it was me, but it seemed a little less lavish than years past. Not that it matters, the Premier League has the kind of international cachet and suction that gets nut-jobs like us waking in the wee hours Saturday mornings to watch games half a world away.
When you get the bug, you get the bug.
This year for a preview I'm not going down the traditional route like most. There won't be lists of every transfer and stuff like that. Find another site, there are literally hundreds for that.
Instead, I'm taking a page from Bill Simmons, again, and using a quote from "The Office" -- the David Brent version -- for each team and then writing my thoughts. Overall, I'm dividing the 20 teams into four pretty standard categories -- the chaff, the also-rans, the dreamers and the contenders (guess which four those are).
Today we'll look at the presumed bottom end of the table. Thursday we'll spy a glance on the European hopefuls and the usual Big Four. Finally, Friday I'll take a stab at the final table and some always-fun preseason awards.
Parachutes zone
No, not the song by Coldplay. (Wait, forget that.) Parachutes, as in parachute payments for qualifying for the Premier League -- 60 million pounds over three seasons. Maybe it's because I didn't want the Championship much (or at all) last year, but it's hard to find much optimism for the three promoted teams -- Stoke City, West Brom and Hull City. That said, you have to go back to the 1997-98 season when all three promoted teams dropped back down in one season. By contrast only in 2001-2002 did all three survive. That last five years have seen between one and two make the drop. So with the gulf between the haves and the have-nots be further reinforced this season?
Tim: You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?
Gareth: No and no you can't.
This goes to Stoke City, which might have the best chance of top-flight survival. From what I've read the Potters are a big, physical team that excels at set pieces, which might make them Bolton Mach 2.0, if only record-signing Dave Kitson were signed on a free transfer from Spain. (Kitson plus Spanish sun equals bad situation for the King of the Gingers.)
Honestly, I won't b.s. you about Stoke and pretend I know anything about them.
For what its worth they could easily swap with Sheffield United or Southampton and few Americans would be able to tell the difference.
David Brent: I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that here would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, why on Earth would you do that?
David Brent: Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be.
[pause]
David Brent: They won't remember.
This one goes to the 2007-08 League Championship winners West Bromwich Albion, which is a close to an "elevator" team as there currently is in England. This is the Baggies third promotion to the top flight since 2001, which is pretty impressive since it seems that the drop is an abyss for most squads.
A good sign for West Brom is that it scored 88 goals in 46 matches -- 17 more than second-place Stoke City. Top scorer Kevin Phillips (22), decided to leave the club and help relegated Birmingham City try to reclaim its Premier League status. Go figure. To replace him the club brought in former Aston Villa fringe player Luke Moore (wonder if he'll have that weirdly abbreviated name on his shirt at WBA?) This will leave an onus on Scottish international Craig Beattie and a cast of relative unknowns.
West Brom does have some quality in captain Jonathon Greening and England U-21 player Ishmael Miller. Keeper Scott Carson? We'll see. West Brom does have a guy named Pele from Cape Verde, which can't hurt.
For West Brom, or any promoted or relegation candidate ideally you'd need to win seven to eight home games minimum to ensure safety. I like the name "The Hawthornes" for a home ground, same with manager Tony Mowbray.
My guess is West Brom puts up a valiant fight and scores its share of goals, reminiscent of when Reading jumped up a few years ago. Still, the Baggies (another quality name) figure to be scrapping for their top-flight lives up until the last Sunday of the season in May. At least they get two cracks against Aston Villa.
"You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue." -- Brent.
Take a guess? Yeah, this goes to Hull City AFC, which plays in the top flight of English football for the first time in its roughly 100-year history. If the last two promoted playoff winners -- Watford and Derby County -- are any guide, a 20th place finish is clearly in the cards for the Tigers, right?
With a dude as grizzled as Dean Windass, Hull seems to have a little bit of pluck and fight. Maybe they'll have a massive chip on their shoulders too, as FourFourTwo magazine recently published a story on Hull, calling it "England's Crap-est Town." (Man, would SI run that on something on, say, Cleveland?)
That said, Hull's problem appears to be quality, or lack thereof. The team lost arguably its best pure talent when Manchester United recalled Frazier Campbell and signing guys like George Boateng, Geovanni and Tony Warner seem more like band aids on a bullet wound. Claudio Pizzaro isn't making a difference either and would just be a waste of money.
Despite all this, Hull doesn't appear to be the 3-point ATM as some of its promoted brethren, and might make teams work at the KC Stadium.
Whatever happens -- relegation -- Hull can take solace that it has my new favorite name in the Premier League, no, not Windass -- Welsh keeper Boaz Myhill.
Hey, it's something.
__________________________
Spinning Wheels Zone
No, this isn't a place for teams to buy "spinners". This is a zone of teams -- a lot of them -- that in a lot of ways are taking up space. See, for all the talk and glorying of the Premier League the also-rans tend of be forgotten. This isn't to say this are bad clubs, but simply clubs that could finish anyway from 10th to fighting in a relegation scrap. Honestly, there's not a lot here to separate the teams. Granted, one of these teams will probably challenge for Europe and surprise. I accept that, but do you feel confident in early August predicting which one?
Gareth: Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!
Not sure if manager Roy Keane is a lager-man or a cider-man, but this goes to Sunderland. God bless the Bat Cats for trying -- note the signings of guys like Pascal Chimbonda, Steed Malbranque, El-Hadji Diouf and Teemu Tainio. Yet just like Gareth, Sunderland is blissfully un-self aware. It doesn't realize it's Sunderland, not a preferred destination in England.
That said, thanks to its up-and-down status, Sunderland has used its Premiership money wisely and assembled a large 40-man plus squad. Is it all quality is the question.
Keane certainly has plenty of midfield options, yet seems a little weak in the goal-scoring area and the center of defense. Kenwyne Jones is the team's most dynamic scorer, but currently fighting injury. His deputies like Michael Chopra and Diouf don't exactly inspire a ton of confidence, though Swede Rada Price showed signs of super-sub ability.
As long as Keane is pulling the strings Sunderland appears on solid, if unspectacular ground. Perhaps the best goal to achieve would be finishing higher than Newcastle in the table.
Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.
Thanks to a lacking of any major spending this goes to Middlesbrough, which as of yet has signed nobody of consequence. Apologies to young Dutchman Marvin Emnes. Manager Gareth Southgate must have blown his transfer booty last season signing the likes of Afonso Alves and Tuncay -- which in their second seasons in England both should surpass double-digits goals for 'Boro's survival.
'Boro isn't really bad with some decent defenders lead by David Wheater and Robert Huth. These guys will need to be lock-tight with young Aussie Bradley Jones replacing longtime Riverside standby Mark Schwarzer, which might actually be a good thing in the long term once he gets his Premiership feet wet. The other goalkeeping option is Ross Turnbull, who's played the last six seasons on loan at six different clubs. Hope he kept all the shirts for his rumpus room walls.
As usual every 24 hours or so 'Boro will need to deal with a fresh want-away rumor for winger Stewart Downing, who's been their heartbeat the last couple seasons. They'll probably need to keep him at all costs since the rest of the midfield options are bad, like generic supermarket cereal bad. Do the likes of Mohamed Shawky, Julio Arca, Gary O'Neil and newly inked Frenchman Didier Digard inspire you? Me neither. And what the hell happened to Mido?
Write it in stone, 'Boro flirts with 17th place, wins a couple games in March and lives to fight another day, presumably long enough for Southgate to finally see a dentist. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)
Brent: Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car - perception, yeah? They got to trust me - I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? And I'm doing my own stapling.
We give this one to America's team in England -- Fulham. Unlike most of the quotes, this one actually applies, since given a second-shot at life in the Premiership, Roy Hodgson's team went on a modest spending spree to further turnover the dismal -- Randy 'Macho Man' Savage rapping-level dismal -- roster Lawrie Sanchez assembled.
Now most of the players Hodgson acquired might fall into the "name" category, notably striker Andy Johnson. "AJ" is a good player, but his goal haul has dipped every season and was he truly worth nearly $20 million? Seventeen goals in 61 games for Everton isn't exactly setting the world on fire. The rest of the signings? Bobby Zamora, Schwarzer, John Patsil, Zoltan Gera, Fredrek Stoor, etc. Decent players, but difference makers?
Perhaps Fulham's two fulcrums in surviving the drop last spring will be gone come September. Brian McBride is already back home in the states with the Chicago Fire and inspirational midfielder Jimmy Bullard -- who's freekick magic -- saved the Cottagers bacon is linked to Blackburn and Wigan.
Fulham seems have have acquired enough professional-level players to remain in the league, but not do anything great, though must Fulham fans get hard at the prospect of 12th palce. Ask yourself, is there a star...a transcendent player on this roster? Naming lanky Norweigan defender Brede Hangeland team captain seems to sum it up.
If I were Clint Dempsey I'd hand in a transfer request post haste since consistent playing time seems questionable.
Simon: All right, well, I was bombing it round one time and someone left this ramp out. They all said, "If he hits that, he *is* dead". So I hit it and rolled over in the air a few times and they said, "Now he is *definitely* dead". Then I landed on my wheels and pulled over next to them and said, "What you worried about?"
Yep, this goes to long-time favorites Bolton. In my weekly Premier League preview/prediction guesses my usual term with Bolton is "bleach." Though the club signed burly Swede Johann Ellmander, that view hasn't changed much. Bolton only scored 36 league goals last season -- 10 from Niclas Anelka before a January move to Chelsea. In fact, the Trotters didn't have a single player in the top 24 players in terms of goal haul. Did I say bleach already?
There's some talent here, though not a lot proven. Hanging onto keeper Jussi Jääskeläinen was a godsend, though his understudy Ali Al Habsi proved quite capable.
Captain Kevin Nolan needs a big goal-scoring season from the midfield because the exodus of proven scorers from the Reebok is Bolton's most glaring weakness, as is manager Gary Megson who hardly inspires confidence.
At times last season Bolton seemed destined for the drop. Maybe it'll come a year later...or maybe they just skirt by and survive. Either way, there's not a lot to get pumped about with Bolton and 17th place might be celebrated.
Gareth: You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot.
Tim: You're going to be all right, aren't you?
Gareth: Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others.
Tim: That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate.
Gareth: And you do all that, only for foreigners of women or the disableds to take advantage of it.
Tim: Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment?
So, West Ham you've just received the British transfer record ($63 million) for Carlos Tevez? Arshavin? Villa? Ronaldinho? Oh right, Swiss winger Valron Behrami.
That said, on paper West Ham has a decent squad that might be the Premier League's most English outfit. That side, however, is managed by Alan Curbishley -- sort of the Brendan Frasor of Premier League managers, as in you know what you're getting -- nothing special, nothing great and overall adequacy like a turkey sub.
Another thing that could hold this club back is injuries. Guys like Scott Parker, Kieron Dyer, Craig Bellamy, Dean Aston, etc. never seem fit. If these guys can stay on the field and Mathew Etherington returns to form on the wing and Daniel Gabbidon in the defense, West Ham is the best candidate of this group of teams to make a leap toward European qualification. Plus, youngster Freddie Sears flashed some talent at the end of last season -- which was an non-descript as they come in professional sports. Robert Green, too, remains solid between the goal posts even with his creepy flesh colo(u)red beard.
West Ham's biggest lack might be creativity, both on the field and in the manager's box. The Irons have never adequately replaced Yossi Benayoun and Curbishley is just so "Meh" it hurts. If West Ham had a manager with some fire and inspirational powers, it could be a very tough team to beat. Think if Roy Keane had this bunch. (Wait, no Bellamy nine-iron jokes, please.)
David Brent: I'm thirties.
Trudy: Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you?
David Brent: I've let myself go a bit?
Trudy: Yeah.
David Brent: Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.
Okay, that's a little harsh to Blackburn Rovers, which have taken a step back losing manager Mark Hughes, David Bentley and keeper Brad Freidel, and possibly Roque Santa Cruz before the month is over.
Is the cupboard completely bare for former England star Paul Ince -- who becomes the Premier League's first black manager? Not really. The likes of Brett Emerton, Andre Ooijer, Chris Samba, Tugay, Steven Reid, Ryan Nelson and David Dunn have all proven capable Premier League caliber talent. For this group to do anything but scuffle at the septic-end of the table, it needs return to forms from flashy winger Morten Gamst Pedersen and former England No. 1 Paul Robinson. Frankly if Robbo is a gaffe-fest, Rovers are in deep trouble because Freidel was arguably as valuable to his club as any player in the League that wasn't a tricksy Portuguese winking winger.
It's a shame Hughes left Rovers -- which I'll keep a soft spot for due to their history and small-town feel. It's hard to fault him, the Lanchashire club doesn't have the cash to compete with the big boys, but on a budget this squad is okay.
If Santa Cruz and Benni McCarthy bolt? Well, start booking trips to Burnley and Preston North End. This is a team that needs to build some goodwill inside the dressing room and the table before Christmas.
Brent: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.
Pretty easy to guess where this is going, to Newcastle United and manager Kevin Keegan, who may not be chilled-out but is clearly an entertainer.
It's weird, almost more than any team talk this summer about the Magpies was clearly focused on their manager, instead of their mish-mash squad. What exactly is the blak-and-white identity? Style?
Yes, attackers like Michael Owen (yawn), Mark Viduka, Obi Martins and even Shola Ameobi (why hasn't someone tried to buy him?) seem to find the scoresheet regularly. It's at the other end where Newcastle is an absolute shieve on defense. Former Argentine international Fabricio Coloccini is the latest in a revolving door of center backs at St. James Park. Last season the team scored a decent 45 goals in 20 games, but let in a whopping 65 -- which makes the 12th place finish seem rather remarkable. Only relegated Reading (66) and Derby County (4,201) conceded more times. The Newcastle defense was an easier ride than drunken, pre-lesbian Lindsay Lohan.
The midfield, James Milner aside, looks old. How much more can be expected from Nicky Butt, Geremi and Damien Duff? Let's not even discuss the Pacman Jones of the Premiership -- Joey Barton. Where is the English Roger Goodell when you need him? THROW HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE!
Bottom line, because of the die hard Geordies there is always drama around Newcastle United. Does that make up for another year in mid-table purgatory? Probably not. This is a ship without a rudder. Oh, and we'll probably get daily rumors that owner Mike Ashley is trying to sell the club too. At least he can give us all some more Burger King crowns, please.
Tim: If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone.
Believe it or not, this goes to Wigan Athletic. I'm probably nuts, but Wigan seems to be taking strides in the right direction. Quietly at the end of last season Steve Bruce assembled a very stout defensive side, that ensured the Latics safety. In the offseason they've addressed their glaring scoring need bringing in the oft-injured Marlon King and Egyptian starlet Amr Zaky. These guys will have to produce, alongside an aging Emile Heskey, since the Latics had the fewest goals scored (34) other than Derby.
Hopefully these new attackers complement the hard, physical, somewhat thuggish styles of Paul Scharner and Emerson Boyce and the comedy styling of Titus Bramble on the back end of the field. Chris Kirkland, even with his Kangol ball caps, is a pretty underrated keeper.
For what it's worth Wigan employs Honduran Wilson Palacios and Ecuadoran Antonio Valencia to bring a touch of Western Hemisphere class to the JJB Stadium. Tempermental Welsh midfielder Jason Koumas can bring flash, too and might pair well with Lee Cattermole, who showed some flashed a couple seasons ago with 'Boro.
Again, I must be nuts. This team won't win any beauty contests, but should be a little better than expected.
Coming Thursday Part II.
Reminder Fantasy League email me quickly. (You can also fill me in on all my typos, errors and mistakes too if you're so inclined.)
When you get the bug, you get the bug.
This year for a preview I'm not going down the traditional route like most. There won't be lists of every transfer and stuff like that. Find another site, there are literally hundreds for that.
Instead, I'm taking a page from Bill Simmons, again, and using a quote from "The Office" -- the David Brent version -- for each team and then writing my thoughts. Overall, I'm dividing the 20 teams into four pretty standard categories -- the chaff, the also-rans, the dreamers and the contenders (guess which four those are).
Today we'll look at the presumed bottom end of the table. Thursday we'll spy a glance on the European hopefuls and the usual Big Four. Finally, Friday I'll take a stab at the final table and some always-fun preseason awards.
Parachutes zone
No, not the song by Coldplay. (Wait, forget that.) Parachutes, as in parachute payments for qualifying for the Premier League -- 60 million pounds over three seasons. Maybe it's because I didn't want the Championship much (or at all) last year, but it's hard to find much optimism for the three promoted teams -- Stoke City, West Brom and Hull City. That said, you have to go back to the 1997-98 season when all three promoted teams dropped back down in one season. By contrast only in 2001-2002 did all three survive. That last five years have seen between one and two make the drop. So with the gulf between the haves and the have-nots be further reinforced this season?
Tim: You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?
Gareth: No and no you can't.
This goes to Stoke City, which might have the best chance of top-flight survival. From what I've read the Potters are a big, physical team that excels at set pieces, which might make them Bolton Mach 2.0, if only record-signing Dave Kitson were signed on a free transfer from Spain. (Kitson plus Spanish sun equals bad situation for the King of the Gingers.)
Honestly, I won't b.s. you about Stoke and pretend I know anything about them.
For what its worth they could easily swap with Sheffield United or Southampton and few Americans would be able to tell the difference.
David Brent: I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that here would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, why on Earth would you do that?
David Brent: Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be.
[pause]
David Brent: They won't remember.
This one goes to the 2007-08 League Championship winners West Bromwich Albion, which is a close to an "elevator" team as there currently is in England. This is the Baggies third promotion to the top flight since 2001, which is pretty impressive since it seems that the drop is an abyss for most squads.
A good sign for West Brom is that it scored 88 goals in 46 matches -- 17 more than second-place Stoke City. Top scorer Kevin Phillips (22), decided to leave the club and help relegated Birmingham City try to reclaim its Premier League status. Go figure. To replace him the club brought in former Aston Villa fringe player Luke Moore (wonder if he'll have that weirdly abbreviated name on his shirt at WBA?) This will leave an onus on Scottish international Craig Beattie and a cast of relative unknowns.
West Brom does have some quality in captain Jonathon Greening and England U-21 player Ishmael Miller. Keeper Scott Carson? We'll see. West Brom does have a guy named Pele from Cape Verde, which can't hurt.
For West Brom, or any promoted or relegation candidate ideally you'd need to win seven to eight home games minimum to ensure safety. I like the name "The Hawthornes" for a home ground, same with manager Tony Mowbray.
My guess is West Brom puts up a valiant fight and scores its share of goals, reminiscent of when Reading jumped up a few years ago. Still, the Baggies (another quality name) figure to be scrapping for their top-flight lives up until the last Sunday of the season in May. At least they get two cracks against Aston Villa.
"You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue." -- Brent.
Take a guess? Yeah, this goes to Hull City AFC, which plays in the top flight of English football for the first time in its roughly 100-year history. If the last two promoted playoff winners -- Watford and Derby County -- are any guide, a 20th place finish is clearly in the cards for the Tigers, right?
With a dude as grizzled as Dean Windass, Hull seems to have a little bit of pluck and fight. Maybe they'll have a massive chip on their shoulders too, as FourFourTwo magazine recently published a story on Hull, calling it "England's Crap-est Town." (Man, would SI run that on something on, say, Cleveland?)
That said, Hull's problem appears to be quality, or lack thereof. The team lost arguably its best pure talent when Manchester United recalled Frazier Campbell and signing guys like George Boateng, Geovanni and Tony Warner seem more like band aids on a bullet wound. Claudio Pizzaro isn't making a difference either and would just be a waste of money.
Despite all this, Hull doesn't appear to be the 3-point ATM as some of its promoted brethren, and might make teams work at the KC Stadium.
Whatever happens -- relegation -- Hull can take solace that it has my new favorite name in the Premier League, no, not Windass -- Welsh keeper Boaz Myhill.
Hey, it's something.
Spinning Wheels Zone
No, this isn't a place for teams to buy "spinners". This is a zone of teams -- a lot of them -- that in a lot of ways are taking up space. See, for all the talk and glorying of the Premier League the also-rans tend of be forgotten. This isn't to say this are bad clubs, but simply clubs that could finish anyway from 10th to fighting in a relegation scrap. Honestly, there's not a lot here to separate the teams. Granted, one of these teams will probably challenge for Europe and surprise. I accept that, but do you feel confident in early August predicting which one?
Gareth: Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!
Not sure if manager Roy Keane is a lager-man or a cider-man, but this goes to Sunderland. God bless the Bat Cats for trying -- note the signings of guys like Pascal Chimbonda, Steed Malbranque, El-Hadji Diouf and Teemu Tainio. Yet just like Gareth, Sunderland is blissfully un-self aware. It doesn't realize it's Sunderland, not a preferred destination in England.
That said, thanks to its up-and-down status, Sunderland has used its Premiership money wisely and assembled a large 40-man plus squad. Is it all quality is the question.
Keane certainly has plenty of midfield options, yet seems a little weak in the goal-scoring area and the center of defense. Kenwyne Jones is the team's most dynamic scorer, but currently fighting injury. His deputies like Michael Chopra and Diouf don't exactly inspire a ton of confidence, though Swede Rada Price showed signs of super-sub ability.
As long as Keane is pulling the strings Sunderland appears on solid, if unspectacular ground. Perhaps the best goal to achieve would be finishing higher than Newcastle in the table.
Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.
Thanks to a lacking of any major spending this goes to Middlesbrough, which as of yet has signed nobody of consequence. Apologies to young Dutchman Marvin Emnes. Manager Gareth Southgate must have blown his transfer booty last season signing the likes of Afonso Alves and Tuncay -- which in their second seasons in England both should surpass double-digits goals for 'Boro's survival.
'Boro isn't really bad with some decent defenders lead by David Wheater and Robert Huth. These guys will need to be lock-tight with young Aussie Bradley Jones replacing longtime Riverside standby Mark Schwarzer, which might actually be a good thing in the long term once he gets his Premiership feet wet. The other goalkeeping option is Ross Turnbull, who's played the last six seasons on loan at six different clubs. Hope he kept all the shirts for his rumpus room walls.
As usual every 24 hours or so 'Boro will need to deal with a fresh want-away rumor for winger Stewart Downing, who's been their heartbeat the last couple seasons. They'll probably need to keep him at all costs since the rest of the midfield options are bad, like generic supermarket cereal bad. Do the likes of Mohamed Shawky, Julio Arca, Gary O'Neil and newly inked Frenchman Didier Digard inspire you? Me neither. And what the hell happened to Mido?
Write it in stone, 'Boro flirts with 17th place, wins a couple games in March and lives to fight another day, presumably long enough for Southgate to finally see a dentist. (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)
Brent: Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car - perception, yeah? They got to trust me - I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? And I'm doing my own stapling.
We give this one to America's team in England -- Fulham. Unlike most of the quotes, this one actually applies, since given a second-shot at life in the Premiership, Roy Hodgson's team went on a modest spending spree to further turnover the dismal -- Randy 'Macho Man' Savage rapping-level dismal -- roster Lawrie Sanchez assembled.
Now most of the players Hodgson acquired might fall into the "name" category, notably striker Andy Johnson. "AJ" is a good player, but his goal haul has dipped every season and was he truly worth nearly $20 million? Seventeen goals in 61 games for Everton isn't exactly setting the world on fire. The rest of the signings? Bobby Zamora, Schwarzer, John Patsil, Zoltan Gera, Fredrek Stoor, etc. Decent players, but difference makers?
Perhaps Fulham's two fulcrums in surviving the drop last spring will be gone come September. Brian McBride is already back home in the states with the Chicago Fire and inspirational midfielder Jimmy Bullard -- who's freekick magic -- saved the Cottagers bacon is linked to Blackburn and Wigan.
Fulham seems have have acquired enough professional-level players to remain in the league, but not do anything great, though must Fulham fans get hard at the prospect of 12th palce. Ask yourself, is there a star...a transcendent player on this roster? Naming lanky Norweigan defender Brede Hangeland team captain seems to sum it up.
If I were Clint Dempsey I'd hand in a transfer request post haste since consistent playing time seems questionable.
Simon: All right, well, I was bombing it round one time and someone left this ramp out. They all said, "If he hits that, he *is* dead". So I hit it and rolled over in the air a few times and they said, "Now he is *definitely* dead". Then I landed on my wheels and pulled over next to them and said, "What you worried about?"
Yep, this goes to long-time favorites Bolton. In my weekly Premier League preview/prediction guesses my usual term with Bolton is "bleach." Though the club signed burly Swede Johann Ellmander, that view hasn't changed much. Bolton only scored 36 league goals last season -- 10 from Niclas Anelka before a January move to Chelsea. In fact, the Trotters didn't have a single player in the top 24 players in terms of goal haul. Did I say bleach already?
There's some talent here, though not a lot proven. Hanging onto keeper Jussi Jääskeläinen was a godsend, though his understudy Ali Al Habsi proved quite capable.
Captain Kevin Nolan needs a big goal-scoring season from the midfield because the exodus of proven scorers from the Reebok is Bolton's most glaring weakness, as is manager Gary Megson who hardly inspires confidence.
At times last season Bolton seemed destined for the drop. Maybe it'll come a year later...or maybe they just skirt by and survive. Either way, there's not a lot to get pumped about with Bolton and 17th place might be celebrated.
Gareth: You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot.
Tim: You're going to be all right, aren't you?
Gareth: Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others.
Tim: That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate.
Gareth: And you do all that, only for foreigners of women or the disableds to take advantage of it.
Tim: Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment?
So, West Ham you've just received the British transfer record ($63 million) for Carlos Tevez? Arshavin? Villa? Ronaldinho? Oh right, Swiss winger Valron Behrami.
That said, on paper West Ham has a decent squad that might be the Premier League's most English outfit. That side, however, is managed by Alan Curbishley -- sort of the Brendan Frasor of Premier League managers, as in you know what you're getting -- nothing special, nothing great and overall adequacy like a turkey sub.
Another thing that could hold this club back is injuries. Guys like Scott Parker, Kieron Dyer, Craig Bellamy, Dean Aston, etc. never seem fit. If these guys can stay on the field and Mathew Etherington returns to form on the wing and Daniel Gabbidon in the defense, West Ham is the best candidate of this group of teams to make a leap toward European qualification. Plus, youngster Freddie Sears flashed some talent at the end of last season -- which was an non-descript as they come in professional sports. Robert Green, too, remains solid between the goal posts even with his creepy flesh colo(u)red beard.
West Ham's biggest lack might be creativity, both on the field and in the manager's box. The Irons have never adequately replaced Yossi Benayoun and Curbishley is just so "Meh" it hurts. If West Ham had a manager with some fire and inspirational powers, it could be a very tough team to beat. Think if Roy Keane had this bunch. (Wait, no Bellamy nine-iron jokes, please.)
David Brent: I'm thirties.
Trudy: Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you?
David Brent: I've let myself go a bit?
Trudy: Yeah.
David Brent: Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.
Okay, that's a little harsh to Blackburn Rovers, which have taken a step back losing manager Mark Hughes, David Bentley and keeper Brad Freidel, and possibly Roque Santa Cruz before the month is over.
Is the cupboard completely bare for former England star Paul Ince -- who becomes the Premier League's first black manager? Not really. The likes of Brett Emerton, Andre Ooijer, Chris Samba, Tugay, Steven Reid, Ryan Nelson and David Dunn have all proven capable Premier League caliber talent. For this group to do anything but scuffle at the septic-end of the table, it needs return to forms from flashy winger Morten Gamst Pedersen and former England No. 1 Paul Robinson. Frankly if Robbo is a gaffe-fest, Rovers are in deep trouble because Freidel was arguably as valuable to his club as any player in the League that wasn't a tricksy Portuguese winking winger.
It's a shame Hughes left Rovers -- which I'll keep a soft spot for due to their history and small-town feel. It's hard to fault him, the Lanchashire club doesn't have the cash to compete with the big boys, but on a budget this squad is okay.
If Santa Cruz and Benni McCarthy bolt? Well, start booking trips to Burnley and Preston North End. This is a team that needs to build some goodwill inside the dressing room and the table before Christmas.
Brent: Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.
Pretty easy to guess where this is going, to Newcastle United and manager Kevin Keegan, who may not be chilled-out but is clearly an entertainer.
It's weird, almost more than any team talk this summer about the Magpies was clearly focused on their manager, instead of their mish-mash squad. What exactly is the blak-and-white identity? Style?
Yes, attackers like Michael Owen (yawn), Mark Viduka, Obi Martins and even Shola Ameobi (why hasn't someone tried to buy him?) seem to find the scoresheet regularly. It's at the other end where Newcastle is an absolute shieve on defense. Former Argentine international Fabricio Coloccini is the latest in a revolving door of center backs at St. James Park. Last season the team scored a decent 45 goals in 20 games, but let in a whopping 65 -- which makes the 12th place finish seem rather remarkable. Only relegated Reading (66) and Derby County (4,201) conceded more times. The Newcastle defense was an easier ride than drunken, pre-lesbian Lindsay Lohan.
The midfield, James Milner aside, looks old. How much more can be expected from Nicky Butt, Geremi and Damien Duff? Let's not even discuss the Pacman Jones of the Premiership -- Joey Barton. Where is the English Roger Goodell when you need him? THROW HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE!
Bottom line, because of the die hard Geordies there is always drama around Newcastle United. Does that make up for another year in mid-table purgatory? Probably not. This is a ship without a rudder. Oh, and we'll probably get daily rumors that owner Mike Ashley is trying to sell the club too. At least he can give us all some more Burger King crowns, please.
Tim: If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone.
Believe it or not, this goes to Wigan Athletic. I'm probably nuts, but Wigan seems to be taking strides in the right direction. Quietly at the end of last season Steve Bruce assembled a very stout defensive side, that ensured the Latics safety. In the offseason they've addressed their glaring scoring need bringing in the oft-injured Marlon King and Egyptian starlet Amr Zaky. These guys will have to produce, alongside an aging Emile Heskey, since the Latics had the fewest goals scored (34) other than Derby.
Hopefully these new attackers complement the hard, physical, somewhat thuggish styles of Paul Scharner and Emerson Boyce and the comedy styling of Titus Bramble on the back end of the field. Chris Kirkland, even with his Kangol ball caps, is a pretty underrated keeper.
For what it's worth Wigan employs Honduran Wilson Palacios and Ecuadoran Antonio Valencia to bring a touch of Western Hemisphere class to the JJB Stadium. Tempermental Welsh midfielder Jason Koumas can bring flash, too and might pair well with Lee Cattermole, who showed some flashed a couple seasons ago with 'Boro.
Again, I must be nuts. This team won't win any beauty contests, but should be a little better than expected.
Coming Thursday Part II.
Reminder Fantasy League email me quickly. (You can also fill me in on all my typos, errors and mistakes too if you're so inclined.)
Labels: Premier League, previews, Soccer
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