Sorry Emmy voters, the best comedic performance this year wasn't from Tina Fey or anyone else on '30 Rock.' (Okay, no lightning bolts struck me, phew.)
No the best televised comedy of 2008-09 comes from three minutes and 10 seconds of subtle genius from pitchman Vince Offer and the Slap Chop. Sorry, there are no arguments here.
Note the way Offer mocks the infomercial/'As Seen on TV' products, but makes you want a crappy Slap Chop (and the Graty) at the same time.
Is there a better line than, "This tuna is boring...quit having a boring tuna, quit haing a boring life."?
The point here is that with two and half months left in the Premier League and especially the UEFA Champions League -- it's like a boring plate of tuna. Both could use a nice visit from the Slap Chop to spice things up.
Four English teams in the Champions League quarterfinals might be great for the Enlgish press to wax poetic about, but let's face it -- does anyone want to see Chelsea v. Liverpool XLII -- 'The Guus is Loose'?
The one Champions League match we deserve this season is Manchester United v. Barcelona, let's just hope it doesn't come in the quarterfinals, but since it's destined that Chelsea gets either Porto or Villareal it very well could happen.
I'll save the Chelsea-bashing for another day. At least the Blues earned the move to the quarterfinals with a cagey win over Juventus in Turin.
By all accounts Arsenal were nothing short of putrid against Roma and only advanced via a missed penalty kick. Reading some of the comments on the Guardian's live blog you'd think Gooners fans were wishing Nicholas Bendtner to contract gonorrhea in a Roman brothel after the game.
But Arsenal will likely have the last laugh again. The Gunners are likely going to surprass Aston Villa for fourth place and once again reap the Champions League money...which Arsene Wenger will likely hoarde anyway or use to buy three French youngsters with good ball skills, or better yet he can sign that Brasilian dude who dribbled the ball off his head and nearly incited a riot a couple years ago.
That might be the problem and predicitibility of the Premier League. The 'Big Four' continue to get richer, allowing Rafa Benitez's yearly transfer dailiances, while Aston Villa remains as threadbare a squad as you can find -- which is a big reason its currently sputtering. Even if the big clubs moves don't pay off, at least they have live bodies in reserves, while Aston Villa, Everton, etc. have to scrape by with duct tape and bumblegum.
Look at the last five years top finishers in the Premier League
2004: Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool
2005: Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, Everton (note, Everton were knocked out before the group stages by Villareal and Liverpool finished fifth but was allowed into the Champions League for winning the Miracle in Istanbul. Hopefully Jerzy Dudek got a nice cut of the check.)
2006: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal (note: blame dodgy lasagna for Tottenham not pipping Arsenal for fourth.)
2007: Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal
2008: Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool
A side-effect of this dominance is that England is in no danger of losing its Champions League spots, while other countries -- namely Germany and Italy have or might.
At least in other leagues you might see some variance, but not in the Premier League. The Champions Lague, coupled with the Premier League television rights make the gap larger each season.
So I guess if you like the same old plate of boring tuna, this is a good thing. Yet who doesn't like a little variety?
Saturday
* Manchester United v. Liverpool -- (Live, Setanta, 8:45 a.m.) One good thing about the stupid clock change is that I'll be half-awake watching this as opposed to a quarter-awake if it began at 7:45 a.m. This might be the only game left that can make the Premier League interesting again. Will Liverpool pull it's classic cocktease act yet again Saturday at Old Trafford? After that mouth-watering performance against Real Madrid Tuesday, can the team possibly play with the same level Saturday?
Maybe it's a day/night thing. This will be the earliest game on the slate Saturday, midafternoon in England. Liverpool seem considerably better on European nights.
The script for Liverpool is the usual, barring great showing from Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard they won't manage a result. (This duo needs a nickname.) The Reds have a nice bevvy of roleplayers, but unless it's a United miscue do you see a guy like Yossi Benayoun scoring in a game like this?
United on the other half didn't play great on Wednesday against Inter Milan, but didn't really have to break a sweat to get the win. More importantly nobody for United came off with injuries.
One nice luxury Sir Alex Ferguson has at his disposal is his choice at right back. Assuming Gary Neville is in cold storage, he can go with either the huff-and-puff of John O'Shea or the South American flair of Rafael. Both are good options.
Perhaps the driving push for United this season has been the joint Indian summers from Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes, who both set up the second United goal against Inter. A thing of beauty, I thought.
Oh right, then you still have Ronaldo, Rooney, Berbatov, Nani and Tevez -- who has a knack for finding winners in a game like this.
However you see it, this is the game of the year in the Premier League. It boils down for me is I don't like the Liverpool outside options matching up with Ronaldo, who's due a 9.0-rating game. Also, if Nemanja Vidic can own Torres, than the PFA award might be his to lose down the stretch. ... Manchester United 2, Liverpool 0
* Arsenal v. Blackburn -- (Live, Setanta, 11 a.m.) Another litmus test for the Gunners, who probably partied hard after squeking by against Roma by the short-and-curlies. Can the Gunners get a result against one of the unfancied teams they struggle against? We should, if anything, get a nice does of Andrei Arshavin. In case you missed it, Blackburn won at Craven Cottage Wednesday and moved out of the relegation zone. Sam Allardyce obviously knows the way to play Arsenal, but I doubt Rovers have the defensive grit to grind out a 0-0 draw. Roque Santa Cruz is still a danger on the counter. ... Arsenal 1, Blackburn 0
* Bolton v. Fulham -- Stat fun -- Fulham have only scored one goal in their last 10 Premier League away matches. Maybe that's why the Cottagers are now thinking about their six-point cushion above the drop, not the UEFACUPEUROPALEAGUE. ... Bolton 1, Fulham 0
* Everton v. Stoke City -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Everton at least has the FA Cup as a fall back. Stoke on the other hand hasn't quite rolled over and played dead, which is a surprise to me. ... Everton 1, Stoke 1
* Hull City v. Newcaslte United -- A pretty big six pointer ... Hull 1, Newcastle 1
* Middlesbrough v. Portsmouth -- ... but not as big as this one. You might be able to detect the fumes wafting out of the Riverside Stadium from space. Both these teams seem to be of the mentality of hoping other teams stink more than them. Not really the best idea in the world. One of these teams goes down. ... Middlesbrough 1, Portsmouth 0
* Sunderland v. Wigan -- Fun subplot here, a battle to decided which is the most non-descript team in the league. I say Sunderland. ... Sunderland 0, Wigan 1
Sunday
* Chelsea v. Man City -- (Live, Setanta, 9 a.m.) The noveau riche, vs. the noveau uber-riche. Who doesn't love a good match between billionaires. Chelsea should roll through this one, as Didier Drogba is pulling a page out of the American sports book, in that he's only turned it on down the stretch of a contract year. Maybe he's a Manny Ramirez fan. City might have a chance if Robinho decides he wants to show the Stamford Bridge crowd what they missed out on. ... Chelsea 2, Man City 1
* Aston Villa v. Tottenham -- (Live, FSC, noon) Villa has to, repeat, has to, stop the bleeding right here. Villa likely will enter this game likely behind Arsenal due to goal difference, so it'll be interesting to see how they play with that stigma hanging over their heads. Good thing the opponent at Villa Park is Tottenham, which is about as fragile as team as they come. ... Villa 2, Spurs 1
Monday
* West Ham v. West Brom -- (Live, Setanta, 3:45 p.m.) This is the PL equivelent of that Browns/Bills Monday Night Football game during the last NFL season. ... West Ham 1, West Brom 0.
Last time: 5-5
Season: 126-147
No the best televised comedy of 2008-09 comes from three minutes and 10 seconds of subtle genius from pitchman Vince Offer and the Slap Chop. Sorry, there are no arguments here.
Note the way Offer mocks the infomercial/'As Seen on TV' products, but makes you want a crappy Slap Chop (and the Graty) at the same time.
Is there a better line than, "This tuna is boring...quit having a boring tuna, quit haing a boring life."?
The point here is that with two and half months left in the Premier League and especially the UEFA Champions League -- it's like a boring plate of tuna. Both could use a nice visit from the Slap Chop to spice things up.
Four English teams in the Champions League quarterfinals might be great for the Enlgish press to wax poetic about, but let's face it -- does anyone want to see Chelsea v. Liverpool XLII -- 'The Guus is Loose'?
The one Champions League match we deserve this season is Manchester United v. Barcelona, let's just hope it doesn't come in the quarterfinals, but since it's destined that Chelsea gets either Porto or Villareal it very well could happen.
I'll save the Chelsea-bashing for another day. At least the Blues earned the move to the quarterfinals with a cagey win over Juventus in Turin.
By all accounts Arsenal were nothing short of putrid against Roma and only advanced via a missed penalty kick. Reading some of the comments on the Guardian's live blog you'd think Gooners fans were wishing Nicholas Bendtner to contract gonorrhea in a Roman brothel after the game.
But Arsenal will likely have the last laugh again. The Gunners are likely going to surprass Aston Villa for fourth place and once again reap the Champions League money...which Arsene Wenger will likely hoarde anyway or use to buy three French youngsters with good ball skills, or better yet he can sign that Brasilian dude who dribbled the ball off his head and nearly incited a riot a couple years ago.
That might be the problem and predicitibility of the Premier League. The 'Big Four' continue to get richer, allowing Rafa Benitez's yearly transfer dailiances, while Aston Villa remains as threadbare a squad as you can find -- which is a big reason its currently sputtering. Even if the big clubs moves don't pay off, at least they have live bodies in reserves, while Aston Villa, Everton, etc. have to scrape by with duct tape and bumblegum.
Look at the last five years top finishers in the Premier League
2004: Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool
2005: Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, Everton (note, Everton were knocked out before the group stages by Villareal and Liverpool finished fifth but was allowed into the Champions League for winning the Miracle in Istanbul. Hopefully Jerzy Dudek got a nice cut of the check.)
2006: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal (note: blame dodgy lasagna for Tottenham not pipping Arsenal for fourth.)
2007: Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal
2008: Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool
A side-effect of this dominance is that England is in no danger of losing its Champions League spots, while other countries -- namely Germany and Italy have or might.
At least in other leagues you might see some variance, but not in the Premier League. The Champions Lague, coupled with the Premier League television rights make the gap larger each season.
So I guess if you like the same old plate of boring tuna, this is a good thing. Yet who doesn't like a little variety?
Saturday
* Manchester United v. Liverpool -- (Live, Setanta, 8:45 a.m.) One good thing about the stupid clock change is that I'll be half-awake watching this as opposed to a quarter-awake if it began at 7:45 a.m. This might be the only game left that can make the Premier League interesting again. Will Liverpool pull it's classic cocktease act yet again Saturday at Old Trafford? After that mouth-watering performance against Real Madrid Tuesday, can the team possibly play with the same level Saturday?
Maybe it's a day/night thing. This will be the earliest game on the slate Saturday, midafternoon in England. Liverpool seem considerably better on European nights.
The script for Liverpool is the usual, barring great showing from Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard they won't manage a result. (This duo needs a nickname.) The Reds have a nice bevvy of roleplayers, but unless it's a United miscue do you see a guy like Yossi Benayoun scoring in a game like this?
United on the other half didn't play great on Wednesday against Inter Milan, but didn't really have to break a sweat to get the win. More importantly nobody for United came off with injuries.
One nice luxury Sir Alex Ferguson has at his disposal is his choice at right back. Assuming Gary Neville is in cold storage, he can go with either the huff-and-puff of John O'Shea or the South American flair of Rafael. Both are good options.
Perhaps the driving push for United this season has been the joint Indian summers from Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes, who both set up the second United goal against Inter. A thing of beauty, I thought.
Oh right, then you still have Ronaldo, Rooney, Berbatov, Nani and Tevez -- who has a knack for finding winners in a game like this.
However you see it, this is the game of the year in the Premier League. It boils down for me is I don't like the Liverpool outside options matching up with Ronaldo, who's due a 9.0-rating game. Also, if Nemanja Vidic can own Torres, than the PFA award might be his to lose down the stretch. ... Manchester United 2, Liverpool 0
* Arsenal v. Blackburn -- (Live, Setanta, 11 a.m.) Another litmus test for the Gunners, who probably partied hard after squeking by against Roma by the short-and-curlies. Can the Gunners get a result against one of the unfancied teams they struggle against? We should, if anything, get a nice does of Andrei Arshavin. In case you missed it, Blackburn won at Craven Cottage Wednesday and moved out of the relegation zone. Sam Allardyce obviously knows the way to play Arsenal, but I doubt Rovers have the defensive grit to grind out a 0-0 draw. Roque Santa Cruz is still a danger on the counter. ... Arsenal 1, Blackburn 0
* Bolton v. Fulham -- Stat fun -- Fulham have only scored one goal in their last 10 Premier League away matches. Maybe that's why the Cottagers are now thinking about their six-point cushion above the drop, not the UEFACUPEUROPALEAGUE. ... Bolton 1, Fulham 0
* Everton v. Stoke City -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Everton at least has the FA Cup as a fall back. Stoke on the other hand hasn't quite rolled over and played dead, which is a surprise to me. ... Everton 1, Stoke 1
* Hull City v. Newcaslte United -- A pretty big six pointer ... Hull 1, Newcastle 1
* Middlesbrough v. Portsmouth -- ... but not as big as this one. You might be able to detect the fumes wafting out of the Riverside Stadium from space. Both these teams seem to be of the mentality of hoping other teams stink more than them. Not really the best idea in the world. One of these teams goes down. ... Middlesbrough 1, Portsmouth 0
* Sunderland v. Wigan -- Fun subplot here, a battle to decided which is the most non-descript team in the league. I say Sunderland. ... Sunderland 0, Wigan 1
Sunday
* Chelsea v. Man City -- (Live, Setanta, 9 a.m.) The noveau riche, vs. the noveau uber-riche. Who doesn't love a good match between billionaires. Chelsea should roll through this one, as Didier Drogba is pulling a page out of the American sports book, in that he's only turned it on down the stretch of a contract year. Maybe he's a Manny Ramirez fan. City might have a chance if Robinho decides he wants to show the Stamford Bridge crowd what they missed out on. ... Chelsea 2, Man City 1
* Aston Villa v. Tottenham -- (Live, FSC, noon) Villa has to, repeat, has to, stop the bleeding right here. Villa likely will enter this game likely behind Arsenal due to goal difference, so it'll be interesting to see how they play with that stigma hanging over their heads. Good thing the opponent at Villa Park is Tottenham, which is about as fragile as team as they come. ... Villa 2, Spurs 1
Monday
* West Ham v. West Brom -- (Live, Setanta, 3:45 p.m.) This is the PL equivelent of that Browns/Bills Monday Night Football game during the last NFL season. ... West Ham 1, West Brom 0.
Last time: 5-5
Season: 126-147
Labels: Prem Picks, Premier League, Soccer
Great post, as per usual.
You are correct about the reason for British/English/UK-ish dominance in the Champions League.
Reason One - every team in England's Premiere league (even Bolton) makes more money off TV than any other team in Europe (except maybe Barca and Real because in Spain clubs do their own deals). I also think that winning (or placing third) in the BPL nets more cash than in any other league. So all BPL teams are flush with cash compared to their Continental Competition.
Reason Two - as you wrote, the SAME four English teams make the Champions League every year so those four get even more money. And not just more money for one year, but EVERY year - so their advantage in their domestic league grows and grows - making it more likely they stay in the 'big four.' This static top four also gives the UK teams a huge financial advantage over their European rivals who might make the CL 'only' every other season.
Reason Two B - Same as above but the advantage is in prestige - allowing the British Big Four to get a better chance at signing players. Every player wants to play in the CL, but sign at Villareal and you might get to the group stage half the time. That same player could sign for ChelsArsePool-United and they would definitely be getting the CL shot.
Mike did that chart showing who made the four CL spots in England - and since May of 2004 - it is a total of five teams. In Spain over the same period it is eight teams, including the current 16th place in La Liga (Real Betis), 18th place and relegation likely (Osasuna) and one team that is out of the top division (Deportivo la Coruna). That is a massive advantage for the top four in England - since they never, ever change and rack up money and prestige.
Everyone seems convinced that Villa is sure to drop to fifth and let Arsenal back in. I understand why it could happen, but it seems like far from a sure thing despite the Villain's thin-ness. For some reason, I just don't trust Arsenal this season - despite their 'winning' performance in Rome.
Nice article. It's like Bill Simmons doing European Soccer. The English domination is certainly making for a boring CL for the 3rd year straight. We are likely look at 3 English teams in the semi's yet again, barring an abnormal draw. There are plenty of conspiracy theorists out there who believe Platini will rig the draw to get some English teams out (anyone recall the exact draw beinbg posted on the web about an hour before the live draw took place last year?). I don't really believe that conspiracy theorist stuff, but I will pose the following question: Which draw looks more appealing to you?
#1
- Chelsea vs. Porto
- Arsenal vs. Barca
- Man Utd vs. Villareal
- Liverpool vs. Bayern
or
#2
- Chelsea vs. Man Utd
- Arsenal vs. Liverpool
- Barca vs. Porto
- Villareal vs. Bayern
I would have to go with #1. Despite that it could lead to the most boring semi-finals known to mankind (4 english teams) I'd still rather risk it and pray that 2 English teams somehow lose and set up a really sweet semis and final.
From a selfish perspective (I'm a huge Bayern fan) there is only 1 team I absolutely, absolutely don't want to draw and that is Man Utd. Then it goes down a tier to Chelsea, Liverpool and Barca. Then the 3 teams I would love to draw Porto, Villareal or Arsenal.
I feel like Villareal can be discounted out. I don't see them going past the quarters no matter who they draw, but watch out for Porto. This team is lightning hot ever since they opened the season horribly. They didn't impress against Atletico but otherwise they have been tearing up their league and their group once they turned the corner. I would not be surprised to see Porto in Rome during May.
Torres + Gerrard = El Fantastico.
Apparently Vidic and VDS have been double agents all along. They infiltrated my fantasy team with their quality play and clean sheets - only to turn on me and BOT score negative points in week 29.
Mazel Tov!
It does have a lot to do with money but the Premier League teams have also been lucky. They have come to prominence at a time when the top tier clubs in Italy were finally brought back to the rest of Europe by being punished for cheating. The only one of Italy's big 3 not to feel the brunt of that was constant underachiever in Europe, Inter. The clubs in Spain are run by morons with the exception of Barca. Real Madrid fire managers so quickly it is impossible for them to do well in Europe because they change style every 3 months.
I truly pray that Villarreal doesn't draw Man Utd in the next round. Their matches in the champions league are like watching paint dry. I think there were about 2 total chances between the teams in the 2 games in the group stage.
Deportivo La Coruna are not in the 2nd division in Spain. They currently sit 6th in La Liga.
@Jared -
Oops. You are right. Not sure how I screwed that up Deortivo La Coruna are def still in La Liga. Maybe I saw some other team called Deportivo in Segundo and was confused.
You are right about Italy's best and brightest being laid low by their scandals - that certainly plays a role as well. How well would the Premier participants be looking if the English CL teams were Arsenal, West Ham and Bolton because the big dogs had been hammered by punishments?
And luck also extends to the games themselves. Is Arsenal much better that Roma after winning on the 8th round of PKs? That could have gone the other way, but it didn't.
I still think money is the biggest factor, but definitely not the only one.