It's Thanksgiving week. If I had more time I'd spend this space waxing poetic about guys like Tuncay, Nihat, Arda Turan, Servet Çetin, Joe Cranberry Sauce, etc.
Alas, it's been a busy week, and who's sitting around on their computer screens the day after the best holiday this side of Arbor Day? You should be running wind sprints around your nearest Target trying to save 14 percent on flatware.
Allow that to be my long-winded way of saying, you're just getting picks from me this weekend. Not sure you'd want them since I'm currently hovering in the 42 percent range on the year. All things considered, that's not horrid.
Call me the Tony Pulis of EPL prognosticators. I'll even provide my own ball cap.
Saturday:
* Aston Villa v. Arsenal -- (Live, ESPN2, 7:45 a.m.) If I had any acumen in computer stuff, beyond knowing how to turn my laptop on, then I'd mash up a video of the Arsene Wenger bottle slapping *GIF to the sounds of Hot Chip's "Over and Over." Like that monkey banging the cymbal, the Gunners continue to repeat the same pattern of the last five seasons: flash brilliant football, tease, but fail to finish off games.
Oh, and Cesc Fabregas' hamstring is once again dinged up, making it perhaps the most sensitive part of an athlete's anatomy since ... Chad Pennington's shoulder. (C'mon admit you thought there was going to be a Brett Favre joke there.) You'd think that with Wenger's propensity for advanced training metrics and such, Arsenal would have the best medical training staff in the world. Instead it's star players always seem dinged out, taking months and months to recover.
Part of me feels for Wenger. If we pretend goalkeeper and central defense don't matter, Arsenal might have the most depth of any team in the Premier League, with quality players like Robin van Persie, Nic Bendtner, Tomas Rosicky and Theo Walcott all unable to crack the starting XI. The French manager probably wishes he could've found a way bring Robert Pires in the fold, if only for the Premier League-winning experience.
For all the talent assembled at the Emirates, there's not a ton of winner's medals hanging on the players' mantles. Gael Clichy was on the 2003 title-winning side, but he played in just 12 matches. Cesc won a World Cup, as a fringe player for Spain. Andrey Arshavin lifted the UEFA Cup for Zenit, Maroune Chamakh won Ligue 1 at Bordeaux. So it's not completely barren, but when you rely on young players and bring them along, sooner or later these guys have to win something or maybe you move on.
Aston Villa? The club is strong at home -- unbeaten in 2010-11 -- but still struggles to score goals, especially late in matches. Gerard Houllier certainly knows how to suck the life out of games, if he so inclines. The Gunners are the best road club in the League, so there's something to build on. ... Aston Villa 1, Arsenal 2
* Manchester United v. Blackburn Rovers -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) Waaaaaay back when, okay, 2006 Blackburn beat United 4-3 at EwoodTyler Chicken Park on a hat trick from David Bentley. Here's the video if you don't believe me.
Bentley's gone, but former United-killer Morten Gamst Pedersen is still around. Thing is, aside from a free kick from the Norwegian not sure how Blackburn can trouble United. Sam Allardyce is probably thinking under the old paradigm, that it's still 2006, and a club like Blackburn can't even begin to think of winning away to United. If you're a United fan you're probably waiting for the game when the club breaks out the 4-0 whooping stick, not sure they have it in them, though ... or at least until the real Wayne Rooney returns. So nice that he decided to apologize to the United fans for his petulant, contract posturing last month. Figure this will be another typical 2010 United win, but Beware the Ides of Diouf. ... Manchester United 2, Blackburn Rovers 0
* West Ham United v. Wigan Athletic -- Maybe Roberto Martinez' merry band of traveling nobodies can put Avram Grant out of his misery. Err, umm, wait. No one has ever seen Grant smile, so you know what I'm getting at.
West Ham are in the unenviable some where the pressure from the fans, coaches, boardroom are all weighing down the club. Unlike in 2007, when the team staved off relegation on the last matchday, there's not talismanic player like Carlos Tevez to rally around. At least Hugo Rodallega is suspended for this one, making the job a little easier. ... West Ham 2, Wigan 1
* Stoke City v. Manchester City -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) If Roberto Mancini reverts back to 4-3-3, this has the potential to either be a) the boring game in PL history or b) feature a bareknuckle death tag team death match betwixt Robert Huth and Ryan Shawcross vs. Nigel de Jong and Ax from Demolition. Call it the EPL Survivor Series. With the overall size and physicality of Stoke, Man City might need to work something on a direct kick set piece to break through. ... Stoke City 1, Manchester City 1
* Wolves v. Sunderland -- Compare and contrast. Wolves currently have on-loan at the club: Marcus Bent, Michael Mancienne and Geoffrey Mujangi Bia. Sunderland have on-loan, John Mensah, Nedum Onuoha, Ahmed Al-Muhammadi and Danny Welbeck. Not sure what kind of inner-working go into these loan deals, but suffice to say Mick McCarthy could have done a little harder search for some dynamic players, which Wolves sorely lack. ... Wolves 1, Sunderland 1
* Fulham v. Birmingham City -- Probably too early to start thinking this way, but Fulham would be well served to get its home form in gear. Craven Cottage has hardly been a fortress, with Fulham's record just 2-3-2 on the banks of the Thames. It's a big reason the team is in 17th place. Granted he's injured, but goes to show what a surprise Bobby Zamora's play was last season. Clint Dempsey can't do it by himself. ... Fulham 1, Birmingham City 2
* Bolton v. Blackpool -- Cue up the Ric Ocasek voice at the Reebok Stadium. "Let the good times roll." Who would have thought this would be an attractive, absolutely interesting match? Both teams pass the ball around well. Both like to score. Both have managers that seem to know what they're doing. Just hope Stuart Holden's hair doesn't blend in too much with the neon orange Blackpool shirts. Guess that's not a problem. What is a problem? The classic scenario where Bolton gets nothing but praise for a week, then lays an egg at home. ... Bolton 2, Blackpool 1
* Everton v. West Brom -- Feels like Everton are due for an easy one. ... Everton 3, West Brom 0
Sunday:
* Newcastle United v. Chelsea -- (Live, FSC+, 8:30 a.m.) Admittedly, any result from this match wouldn't surprise me. The Mapgies could run riot, or so could the Blues. It could be a dull slog between 22 tired sets of legs. For what it's worth here are the fantasy totals of Didier Drogba over the last four matches: 1, 2, 2 and 2. Not quite up to snuff. ... Newcastle 1, Chelsea 1
* Tottenham v. Liverpool -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Finally, a great matchup at a tolerable watching time in the States. Thanks Richard Scudamore. Kudos.
Could Spurs be flying any higher? A win away to Arsenal. Progress in the Champions League? Younes Kaboul scoring goals at a rater higher than seemingly everyone not named Messi or Ronaldo.
But football is fickle. Trouncing Werder Bremen and taking plenty of bows on Wednesday is one thing, but it means nothing once the whistle sounds at White Hart Lane, especially if the talismanic Rafael van der Vaart watches from the bench. Shame the Dutchman misses out, but guess it levels the playing field since Steven Gerrard remains sidelined, too.
Then again, the midfield war between Wilson Palacios and Luke Modric vs. Raul Meireles and Lucas is well worth the price of Fox Soccer Channel on your monthly cable bill, right?
And for as great as season as it's been for Spurs, if Liverpool were to win, the two clubs would be level on points.
For Liverpool its all about mentality. Will Roy Hodgson, as per usual, on the road play narrow and close to the vest? Will he shackle the players and hope for a penalty call or Fernando Torres magic? Will he realize that Spurs defense is about as stout as the "other" brand paper towel in a head-to-head comparison commercial?
If there's hope for Spurs it's Gareth Bale running circles around Glen Johnson so hard that his cornrows pop loose.
If there's hope for Liverpool it's Torres or goofy Dirk Kuyt catching Tottenham napping on the counter attack.
Spurs have gotten nearly every weird bounce or break this season, while Liverpool can't get out of its own way. Harry Redknapp has been King Midas, whilst Roy Hodgson has been more like King Hippo. ... Spurs 2, Liverpool 1
Last week: 3-7
Season: 59-81
Alas, it's been a busy week, and who's sitting around on their computer screens the day after the best holiday this side of Arbor Day? You should be running wind sprints around your nearest Target trying to save 14 percent on flatware.
Allow that to be my long-winded way of saying, you're just getting picks from me this weekend. Not sure you'd want them since I'm currently hovering in the 42 percent range on the year. All things considered, that's not horrid.
Call me the Tony Pulis of EPL prognosticators. I'll even provide my own ball cap.
Saturday:
* Aston Villa v. Arsenal -- (Live, ESPN2, 7:45 a.m.) If I had any acumen in computer stuff, beyond knowing how to turn my laptop on, then I'd mash up a video of the Arsene Wenger bottle slapping *GIF to the sounds of Hot Chip's "Over and Over." Like that monkey banging the cymbal, the Gunners continue to repeat the same pattern of the last five seasons: flash brilliant football, tease, but fail to finish off games.
Oh, and Cesc Fabregas' hamstring is once again dinged up, making it perhaps the most sensitive part of an athlete's anatomy since ... Chad Pennington's shoulder. (C'mon admit you thought there was going to be a Brett Favre joke there.) You'd think that with Wenger's propensity for advanced training metrics and such, Arsenal would have the best medical training staff in the world. Instead it's star players always seem dinged out, taking months and months to recover.
Part of me feels for Wenger. If we pretend goalkeeper and central defense don't matter, Arsenal might have the most depth of any team in the Premier League, with quality players like Robin van Persie, Nic Bendtner, Tomas Rosicky and Theo Walcott all unable to crack the starting XI. The French manager probably wishes he could've found a way bring Robert Pires in the fold, if only for the Premier League-winning experience.
For all the talent assembled at the Emirates, there's not a ton of winner's medals hanging on the players' mantles. Gael Clichy was on the 2003 title-winning side, but he played in just 12 matches. Cesc won a World Cup, as a fringe player for Spain. Andrey Arshavin lifted the UEFA Cup for Zenit, Maroune Chamakh won Ligue 1 at Bordeaux. So it's not completely barren, but when you rely on young players and bring them along, sooner or later these guys have to win something or maybe you move on.
Aston Villa? The club is strong at home -- unbeaten in 2010-11 -- but still struggles to score goals, especially late in matches. Gerard Houllier certainly knows how to suck the life out of games, if he so inclines. The Gunners are the best road club in the League, so there's something to build on. ... Aston Villa 1, Arsenal 2
* Manchester United v. Blackburn Rovers -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) Waaaaaay back when, okay, 2006 Blackburn beat United 4-3 at Ewood
Bentley's gone, but former United-killer Morten Gamst Pedersen is still around. Thing is, aside from a free kick from the Norwegian not sure how Blackburn can trouble United. Sam Allardyce is probably thinking under the old paradigm, that it's still 2006, and a club like Blackburn can't even begin to think of winning away to United. If you're a United fan you're probably waiting for the game when the club breaks out the 4-0 whooping stick, not sure they have it in them, though ... or at least until the real Wayne Rooney returns. So nice that he decided to apologize to the United fans for his petulant, contract posturing last month. Figure this will be another typical 2010 United win, but Beware the Ides of Diouf. ... Manchester United 2, Blackburn Rovers 0
* West Ham United v. Wigan Athletic -- Maybe Roberto Martinez' merry band of traveling nobodies can put Avram Grant out of his misery. Err, umm, wait. No one has ever seen Grant smile, so you know what I'm getting at.
West Ham are in the unenviable some where the pressure from the fans, coaches, boardroom are all weighing down the club. Unlike in 2007, when the team staved off relegation on the last matchday, there's not talismanic player like Carlos Tevez to rally around. At least Hugo Rodallega is suspended for this one, making the job a little easier. ... West Ham 2, Wigan 1
* Stoke City v. Manchester City -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) If Roberto Mancini reverts back to 4-3-3, this has the potential to either be a) the boring game in PL history or b) feature a bareknuckle death tag team death match betwixt Robert Huth and Ryan Shawcross vs. Nigel de Jong and Ax from Demolition. Call it the EPL Survivor Series. With the overall size and physicality of Stoke, Man City might need to work something on a direct kick set piece to break through. ... Stoke City 1, Manchester City 1
* Wolves v. Sunderland -- Compare and contrast. Wolves currently have on-loan at the club: Marcus Bent, Michael Mancienne and Geoffrey Mujangi Bia. Sunderland have on-loan, John Mensah, Nedum Onuoha, Ahmed Al-Muhammadi and Danny Welbeck. Not sure what kind of inner-working go into these loan deals, but suffice to say Mick McCarthy could have done a little harder search for some dynamic players, which Wolves sorely lack. ... Wolves 1, Sunderland 1
* Fulham v. Birmingham City -- Probably too early to start thinking this way, but Fulham would be well served to get its home form in gear. Craven Cottage has hardly been a fortress, with Fulham's record just 2-3-2 on the banks of the Thames. It's a big reason the team is in 17th place. Granted he's injured, but goes to show what a surprise Bobby Zamora's play was last season. Clint Dempsey can't do it by himself. ... Fulham 1, Birmingham City 2
* Bolton v. Blackpool -- Cue up the Ric Ocasek voice at the Reebok Stadium. "Let the good times roll." Who would have thought this would be an attractive, absolutely interesting match? Both teams pass the ball around well. Both like to score. Both have managers that seem to know what they're doing. Just hope Stuart Holden's hair doesn't blend in too much with the neon orange Blackpool shirts. Guess that's not a problem. What is a problem? The classic scenario where Bolton gets nothing but praise for a week, then lays an egg at home. ... Bolton 2, Blackpool 1
* Everton v. West Brom -- Feels like Everton are due for an easy one. ... Everton 3, West Brom 0
Sunday:
* Newcastle United v. Chelsea -- (Live, FSC+, 8:30 a.m.) Admittedly, any result from this match wouldn't surprise me. The Mapgies could run riot, or so could the Blues. It could be a dull slog between 22 tired sets of legs. For what it's worth here are the fantasy totals of Didier Drogba over the last four matches: 1, 2, 2 and 2. Not quite up to snuff. ... Newcastle 1, Chelsea 1
* Tottenham v. Liverpool -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Finally, a great matchup at a tolerable watching time in the States. Thanks Richard Scudamore. Kudos.
Could Spurs be flying any higher? A win away to Arsenal. Progress in the Champions League? Younes Kaboul scoring goals at a rater higher than seemingly everyone not named Messi or Ronaldo.
But football is fickle. Trouncing Werder Bremen and taking plenty of bows on Wednesday is one thing, but it means nothing once the whistle sounds at White Hart Lane, especially if the talismanic Rafael van der Vaart watches from the bench. Shame the Dutchman misses out, but guess it levels the playing field since Steven Gerrard remains sidelined, too.
Then again, the midfield war between Wilson Palacios and Luke Modric vs. Raul Meireles and Lucas is well worth the price of Fox Soccer Channel on your monthly cable bill, right?
And for as great as season as it's been for Spurs, if Liverpool were to win, the two clubs would be level on points.
For Liverpool its all about mentality. Will Roy Hodgson, as per usual, on the road play narrow and close to the vest? Will he shackle the players and hope for a penalty call or Fernando Torres magic? Will he realize that Spurs defense is about as stout as the "other" brand paper towel in a head-to-head comparison commercial?
If there's hope for Spurs it's Gareth Bale running circles around Glen Johnson so hard that his cornrows pop loose.
If there's hope for Liverpool it's Torres or goofy Dirk Kuyt catching Tottenham napping on the counter attack.
Spurs have gotten nearly every weird bounce or break this season, while Liverpool can't get out of its own way. Harry Redknapp has been King Midas, whilst Roy Hodgson has been more like King Hippo. ... Spurs 2, Liverpool 1
Last week: 3-7
Season: 59-81
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