In a much needed attempt at brevity, there shall no long-winded introduction into the following post. It's genesis springs from scrolling through my most recent post on the U.S. National Team (scanning for typos/making sure I didn't sound like a total buffoon) and remembering the massive pre-World Cup 2006 archive of this blog which really had nothing at all to do with the "Beautiful Game."
Rather in it's infancy it was like so much else on the webs: a bunch of random, old fashioned Internet insanity.
The following collection of words, photos and snarky commentary about an amazingly entertaining trip to my local Goodwill store falls within those parameters. So if you want to read about my thoughts on Saturday's UEFA Champions League final between Manchester United and Barcelona, you'll have to keep waiting in suspense until Friday.
Goodwill, yes.
Does anyone reading here need a refresher course on these wonderful outposts of reasonably prices garments, goods, house wares and junk shop curios?
Long story short, it's a form of treasure hunting at least if you're a person like me. Many hard-working folks utilize the store for bargains on life's essentials, so it works on two levels -- practical and impractical.
If you fall into the former category, like myself, you pick through other people's used clothes(*), and knick knacks, hoping to score some amazing stuff. Amazing is a loose definition for some random tchotchke that might illicit a laugh or a giggle when examined at evening cocktail party ... or (more likely) in hazy post-last call ether. Essentially the entire "hipster" movement was founded on this type of thing, finding things that were once considered part of normal, everyday life but are now viewed to be ironic.
(*) Best not to think that a certain percentage of clothes at any Goodwill likely belong to a recently deceased person. The price you must pay if you want vintage clothes like the proto-Hipster, Cosmo Kramer.
Anyways, Wednesday afternoon I personally stumbled into a treasure trove of wonderfully ridiculous stuff. Consider it "The Legend of Curly's Gold," meets "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" with a healthy dash of lo-fi stupidity.
As the saying goes, one man's trash is another man's treasure. To whit, what one man perceives as treasure is, still in fact, junk.
If you don't find a random Starting Lineup "1-on-1" action series featuring Eric Lindros facing off with Paul Kariya relevant, or nostalgically interesting, click away to another page. I did hear that everyone's favorite human being, Kim Kardashian is engaged. There are plenty of sites of her in skimpy bikinis if you'd rather spend your Internetting on that sort of stuff. (True story, upon hearing this news I burst into tears of happiness than Kim was able to find true love in this topsy turvy world of ours.)
Right, then, the trip to Goodwill I've wasted about 28 seconds of your life setting up.
The funny thing was, my intent was to search for some shorts. Okay, a little more back story first. If there's one thing I on earth I have never and will never fully understand is fashion. Believe it or not, I'm more impressed by Jerry Seinfeld's clothes on his eponymous show than his acting or jokes. My standard line is one upside to being communist, or living behind the Iron Curtain was drab government issued coveralls.
Hey, one less thing to worry about in these crazy modern times of ours, right?
So basically at this stage in my life, it's sad, but I really don't even know where to find or shop or clothes that are socially acceptable in a casual setting since sweatpants don't really count. It's not to the point where I can go full "dad" style Dockers khaki shorts, nor am I ironically cool enough to rock Jorts. (Nor do I really want to rock jorts at all in the first place.)
It's so bad -- please don't laugh -- earlier in the day on Wednesday I actually typed "clothing" into a Google search in an act of desperation. Actually, laugh at me. That's downright pathetic for an adult who's grown up in suburban America.
The underlying purpose of this trip is in my lame world view spending $2 on a pair of shorts at Goodwill beats spending $20 at Old Navy or god only knows how much at clothing.com. Granted, at Goodwill you're always fishing around, hoping they have a size that fits you.
On my first sweep? Nada.
Making matters worst, the shorts section for men was so haphazard it was impossible to gauge if the garments I was inspecting were a) shorts b) bathing suits or c) boxer shorts. Hey, boxers are better than the white male briefs that almost all quality Goodwill stories stock, usually on hangars. And face it, there's nothing sadder than a pair of tighty whities hanging on a rack at Goodwill ... both from who they came from and who'll end up buying them.
I was all but ready to leave the store when a previously undiscovered bin of 99 cent t-shirts caught my eye. The Goodwill near my house isn't exactly stocked with "cool" or "ironic" style t-shirts that are all the rage with the kids these days. Mostly old rec league shirts or some massive XXXL Enyce Sweaters, along with your custom ratty dress shirts. My best ever haul at this store was a NES-style(*) "Contra" shirt, which is unwearable since the graphic is simply too big for the shirt.
(*) Problem with any 8-bit humor is it's been co-opted by kids who shop at Hot Topic. And let's face it, if you wear a Nintendo shirt in public the only people are going to appreciate it are fellow nerds and geeks.
Inside that 99 cent bin was like rummaging around in Ali Baba's cave of treasures.
Among those treasures, laid the proverbial magic lamp of this mixed metaphor. Arguably the most insanely baffling shirt ever, which warranted a picture:
Let's set this aside and examine it from all sides. To begin, who would actively wear a shirt in 2011 that simply reads, "SWALLOWS." Doubt they'd even use it as a punchline on "Two and a Half Men," it's that low. A dude isn't going to wear this shirt in public, doubt most women -- aside from the future Mrs. Roethlisberger -- would dare even look at this crude shirt, let alone wear it.
To ask simply, who on planet earth that speaks English as their first language would actively choose to wear that the proclaims, "SWALLOWS" across its chest?
Your answer to this query? A bird enthusiast, albeit a bird enthusiast with the bigger set of brass ones this side of Bill Brasky, as the back of the shirt explains:
Yes, what appeared to be shirt ripped straight from an Andrew Dice Clay routine was actually a pretty clever prank. Or maybe it was a shirt for people who truly love the bird swallow. In case you can't read the text (clicking on the photo gives it to you full size), it includes this gem, "Swallows are more fun than turtles and eagles because they can fly around for a short period of time."
There were some other amazing shirts in the bin, as detailed in my final bill of sale. They will certainly come in handy over the summer months, which have finally appeared to have arrived in Southwestern Connecticut after months of snow and rain. It should also be noted at this time, Men at Work's "Land Down Under" was playing inside the store.
I probably couldn't have been happier. In fact I was about to "chunder" out of the head-spinning good time I was having.
A lot less happy was a text I received from a friend informing me she'd been stuck in traffic for three hours on the nightmarish stretch of road known as I-95. About the only way to make this corridor of traffic snarls worse would be adding Lord Hummongus.
Thanks to telecommunication technology, she was the first to receive visuals on some of this amazing junk -- which in process made me think this whole experience was worth a blog posting -- hopefully ameliorating rubberneck hell. And yes, I do understand how it looks when a dopey white dude like myself is whipping out an iPhone in the midst of picking through 50 cent VHS copies of "Halloween III" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2," while actual folks are looking for bargains on old pillows and furniture.
One worth highlighting is this retro-ish one-time freebie shirt for an MLS sponsored soccer camp:
Using my burgeoning detective skills, this could only have been from a small window from 1998-1999 when the Miami Fusion existed at the same time the San Jose Earthquakes were known by the non-Joe Strummer approved "Clash" nickname. Funny too, how Kansas City, New York/New Jersey have gone through major rebranding. The Dallas Burn (ooooh, demonic scary horse) are now the pedestrian FC Dallas. The Galaxy ditched their cosmic image -- and unique green-and-gold color scheme -- for a boring, Beckham approved, adidas marketed gimmick.
Of all the MLS teams you'd think would go for a new look, the Columbus Crew have held firm with their (easily mockible) three construction worker/America's Hardest Working Team identity. Stay strong.
This shirt was like going back in time without the aid of a Delorean or plutonium.
Speaking of trips back in time, right next to the magical t-shirt bin? A tray containing about 25 unopened packs of Upper Deck 1991-92 NHL-LNH Hockey cards. I'm not even a huge hockey fan, but these are incredible. The first pack I tore into when I got home contained a "Theoren Fleury" card, which you're going to get a look at.
A quickish aside, I love looking through my old baseball, football and yes, soccer cards. (Massive collection of 1994 World Cup guys, including coach Harkes.) The one cool thing I've done with my condo is using some of the amazing cards to create a mosaic on an end table. Might need to make two more, one using these hockey cards and one with the soccer cards. Here's what it looks like:
These hockey cards are truly insane. Defunct teams. Crazy logos. Players of yesteryear, though a glaring lack of mullets. Some highlights include: Luc Robataille, Craig McTavish, Andy Moog, Jaromir Jagr (in Czech colors), Mats Sundin (in Sweden colors), Dominik Hasek (on the Blackhawks), Alexander Mogilny, and a whole slew of guys who would mean a lot more to an actual hockey fan. The coupe de grace, though, is this bizarre, possibly ground-breaking card of then-Rangers left wing Troy Mallette:
To my knowledge this is the first and probably last trading card featuring a shirtless athlete.
Moving on.
At this point I was having so much fun I didn't want to leave Goodwill. Ever. I wanted Hollywood to write a movie about me like that Tom Hanks movie where he gets stuck in the airport terminal. What was that called? "You've Got Mail?"
It was worth rummaging around, too, for my personal Goodwill white whale -- a jumpsuit that fits.
And as I turned toward the men's coat section, holding out hope, what did I see out of the corner of my eye? Perhaps the most tragically hilarious piece of sports memorabilia produced during the entire 1990s. All that's missing would be for Don West to hawk it on Home Shopping Network.
A Starting Lineup "Classic Doubles" figurine set featuring home run kings Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Is it as retroactively head-scratching as the Sports Illustrated Sportsmen of the Year cover the pair did? No. Still, it's amazing that nobody seemed to even think the word steroids that year despite the fact even in plastic form McGwire has comically large forearms. The Sosa model is jarringly skinny, like Sosa on the Rangers string bean. Take a look:
That, sadly, wasn't the only old baseball (yes) toy I bought. Two dollars of my hard-earned money went for a Kaz Ishii McFarlane figure, just to complement the t-shirt jersey I purchased at Dodger Stadium many years ago of the former big league pitcher from Japan. Yes, this is going to be thrown in a closet and forgotten, along with the Brett Musberger "Rocky" figurine I actually own, but for $2 it's hard to pass up, isn't it?
The weird thing about Goodwill is they still have plenty of outdated audio formats, barring 8-tracks. If you want an old record of Italian standards? Go to Goodwill. Searching for Bill Joel's "The Stranger" on tape? Head to Goodwill. Looking for a book on tape of "How to Be Part of a Great Marriage"? You know what to do.
It's not exactly fair when they tease you with soothing sounds like this ... :
... only for the CD itself to be missing. If you're going to show me a case promising the soothing sounds of Enya and Yanni on the same disc, said disc better be inside the jewel case. Plain and simple. Total buzzkill.
Actually, the biggest buzzkill was walking toward the cash register and noticing a female customer wearing a tank top, despite the fact it appeared -- quite plainly -- that she had all sorts of hair and stuble on her exposed chest.
On second thought, Hollywood, remake another old TV series or reboot an old franchise.
That movie about a perfectly capable and productive member of society opting to live the rest of his life inside of a Goodwill store can wait.
Total haul
* Italy 1934 World Cup Champion t-shirt. (99 cents)
* "Swallows" shirts -- just for the comedy. (99 cents)
* TOOL (band) shirt that is actually pretty normal. (99 cents)
* The MLS Camp t-shirt. (99 cents)
* Some dark charcoal gray (ask Jean Ralphio) Barcadi shirt that you can't tell is for Bacardi. (99 cents)
* Four packs of Upper Deck 1991-92 NHL cards. (50 cents each)
* Las Vegas coffee mug. ($1)
* Morrisey "Viva Hate" CD. ($3)
* A Karl Pilkington-style brimmed cap. (which I never wear around people I know for fear of some kind of Tom Brady-style mockery) ($2)
* Scattergories (board game) ($3)
* Kaz Ishii McFarlane Toy ($2)
* Starting Lineup Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa 1998 Home Run Chase thing ($4)
Total: $19.01
God bless America.
Rather in it's infancy it was like so much else on the webs: a bunch of random, old fashioned Internet insanity.
The following collection of words, photos and snarky commentary about an amazingly entertaining trip to my local Goodwill store falls within those parameters. So if you want to read about my thoughts on Saturday's UEFA Champions League final between Manchester United and Barcelona, you'll have to keep waiting in suspense until Friday.
***
Goodwill, yes.
Does anyone reading here need a refresher course on these wonderful outposts of reasonably prices garments, goods, house wares and junk shop curios?
Long story short, it's a form of treasure hunting at least if you're a person like me. Many hard-working folks utilize the store for bargains on life's essentials, so it works on two levels -- practical and impractical.
If you fall into the former category, like myself, you pick through other people's used clothes(*), and knick knacks, hoping to score some amazing stuff. Amazing is a loose definition for some random tchotchke that might illicit a laugh or a giggle when examined at evening cocktail party ... or (more likely) in hazy post-last call ether. Essentially the entire "hipster" movement was founded on this type of thing, finding things that were once considered part of normal, everyday life but are now viewed to be ironic.
(*) Best not to think that a certain percentage of clothes at any Goodwill likely belong to a recently deceased person. The price you must pay if you want vintage clothes like the proto-Hipster, Cosmo Kramer.
Anyways, Wednesday afternoon I personally stumbled into a treasure trove of wonderfully ridiculous stuff. Consider it "The Legend of Curly's Gold," meets "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" with a healthy dash of lo-fi stupidity.
As the saying goes, one man's trash is another man's treasure. To whit, what one man perceives as treasure is, still in fact, junk.
If you don't find a random Starting Lineup "1-on-1" action series featuring Eric Lindros facing off with Paul Kariya relevant, or nostalgically interesting, click away to another page. I did hear that everyone's favorite human being, Kim Kardashian is engaged. There are plenty of sites of her in skimpy bikinis if you'd rather spend your Internetting on that sort of stuff. (True story, upon hearing this news I burst into tears of happiness than Kim was able to find true love in this topsy turvy world of ours.)
Right, then, the trip to Goodwill I've wasted about 28 seconds of your life setting up.
The funny thing was, my intent was to search for some shorts. Okay, a little more back story first. If there's one thing I on earth I have never and will never fully understand is fashion. Believe it or not, I'm more impressed by Jerry Seinfeld's clothes on his eponymous show than his acting or jokes. My standard line is one upside to being communist, or living behind the Iron Curtain was drab government issued coveralls.
Hey, one less thing to worry about in these crazy modern times of ours, right?
So basically at this stage in my life, it's sad, but I really don't even know where to find or shop or clothes that are socially acceptable in a casual setting since sweatpants don't really count. It's not to the point where I can go full "dad" style Dockers khaki shorts, nor am I ironically cool enough to rock Jorts. (Nor do I really want to rock jorts at all in the first place.)
It's so bad -- please don't laugh -- earlier in the day on Wednesday I actually typed "clothing" into a Google search in an act of desperation. Actually, laugh at me. That's downright pathetic for an adult who's grown up in suburban America.
The underlying purpose of this trip is in my lame world view spending $2 on a pair of shorts at Goodwill beats spending $20 at Old Navy or god only knows how much at clothing.com. Granted, at Goodwill you're always fishing around, hoping they have a size that fits you.
On my first sweep? Nada.
Making matters worst, the shorts section for men was so haphazard it was impossible to gauge if the garments I was inspecting were a) shorts b) bathing suits or c) boxer shorts. Hey, boxers are better than the white male briefs that almost all quality Goodwill stories stock, usually on hangars. And face it, there's nothing sadder than a pair of tighty whities hanging on a rack at Goodwill ... both from who they came from and who'll end up buying them.
I was all but ready to leave the store when a previously undiscovered bin of 99 cent t-shirts caught my eye. The Goodwill near my house isn't exactly stocked with "cool" or "ironic" style t-shirts that are all the rage with the kids these days. Mostly old rec league shirts or some massive XXXL Enyce Sweaters, along with your custom ratty dress shirts. My best ever haul at this store was a NES-style(*) "Contra" shirt, which is unwearable since the graphic is simply too big for the shirt.
(*) Problem with any 8-bit humor is it's been co-opted by kids who shop at Hot Topic. And let's face it, if you wear a Nintendo shirt in public the only people are going to appreciate it are fellow nerds and geeks.
Inside that 99 cent bin was like rummaging around in Ali Baba's cave of treasures.
Among those treasures, laid the proverbial magic lamp of this mixed metaphor. Arguably the most insanely baffling shirt ever, which warranted a picture:
Let's set this aside and examine it from all sides. To begin, who would actively wear a shirt in 2011 that simply reads, "SWALLOWS." Doubt they'd even use it as a punchline on "Two and a Half Men," it's that low. A dude isn't going to wear this shirt in public, doubt most women -- aside from the future Mrs. Roethlisberger -- would dare even look at this crude shirt, let alone wear it.
To ask simply, who on planet earth that speaks English as their first language would actively choose to wear that the proclaims, "SWALLOWS" across its chest?
Your answer to this query? A bird enthusiast, albeit a bird enthusiast with the bigger set of brass ones this side of Bill Brasky, as the back of the shirt explains:
Yes, what appeared to be shirt ripped straight from an Andrew Dice Clay routine was actually a pretty clever prank. Or maybe it was a shirt for people who truly love the bird swallow. In case you can't read the text (clicking on the photo gives it to you full size), it includes this gem, "Swallows are more fun than turtles and eagles because they can fly around for a short period of time."
There were some other amazing shirts in the bin, as detailed in my final bill of sale. They will certainly come in handy over the summer months, which have finally appeared to have arrived in Southwestern Connecticut after months of snow and rain. It should also be noted at this time, Men at Work's "Land Down Under" was playing inside the store.
I probably couldn't have been happier. In fact I was about to "chunder" out of the head-spinning good time I was having.
A lot less happy was a text I received from a friend informing me she'd been stuck in traffic for three hours on the nightmarish stretch of road known as I-95. About the only way to make this corridor of traffic snarls worse would be adding Lord Hummongus.
Thanks to telecommunication technology, she was the first to receive visuals on some of this amazing junk -- which in process made me think this whole experience was worth a blog posting -- hopefully ameliorating rubberneck hell. And yes, I do understand how it looks when a dopey white dude like myself is whipping out an iPhone in the midst of picking through 50 cent VHS copies of "Halloween III" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2," while actual folks are looking for bargains on old pillows and furniture.
One worth highlighting is this retro-ish one-time freebie shirt for an MLS sponsored soccer camp:
Using my burgeoning detective skills, this could only have been from a small window from 1998-1999 when the Miami Fusion existed at the same time the San Jose Earthquakes were known by the non-Joe Strummer approved "Clash" nickname. Funny too, how Kansas City, New York/New Jersey have gone through major rebranding. The Dallas Burn (ooooh, demonic scary horse) are now the pedestrian FC Dallas. The Galaxy ditched their cosmic image -- and unique green-and-gold color scheme -- for a boring, Beckham approved, adidas marketed gimmick.
Of all the MLS teams you'd think would go for a new look, the Columbus Crew have held firm with their (easily mockible) three construction worker/America's Hardest Working Team identity. Stay strong.
This shirt was like going back in time without the aid of a Delorean or plutonium.
Speaking of trips back in time, right next to the magical t-shirt bin? A tray containing about 25 unopened packs of Upper Deck 1991-92 NHL-LNH Hockey cards. I'm not even a huge hockey fan, but these are incredible. The first pack I tore into when I got home contained a "Theoren Fleury" card, which you're going to get a look at.
A quickish aside, I love looking through my old baseball, football and yes, soccer cards. (Massive collection of 1994 World Cup guys, including coach Harkes.) The one cool thing I've done with my condo is using some of the amazing cards to create a mosaic on an end table. Might need to make two more, one using these hockey cards and one with the soccer cards. Here's what it looks like:
These hockey cards are truly insane. Defunct teams. Crazy logos. Players of yesteryear, though a glaring lack of mullets. Some highlights include: Luc Robataille, Craig McTavish, Andy Moog, Jaromir Jagr (in Czech colors), Mats Sundin (in Sweden colors), Dominik Hasek (on the Blackhawks), Alexander Mogilny, and a whole slew of guys who would mean a lot more to an actual hockey fan. The coupe de grace, though, is this bizarre, possibly ground-breaking card of then-Rangers left wing Troy Mallette:
To my knowledge this is the first and probably last trading card featuring a shirtless athlete.
Moving on.
At this point I was having so much fun I didn't want to leave Goodwill. Ever. I wanted Hollywood to write a movie about me like that Tom Hanks movie where he gets stuck in the airport terminal. What was that called? "You've Got Mail?"
It was worth rummaging around, too, for my personal Goodwill white whale -- a jumpsuit that fits.
And as I turned toward the men's coat section, holding out hope, what did I see out of the corner of my eye? Perhaps the most tragically hilarious piece of sports memorabilia produced during the entire 1990s. All that's missing would be for Don West to hawk it on Home Shopping Network.
A Starting Lineup "Classic Doubles" figurine set featuring home run kings Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. Is it as retroactively head-scratching as the Sports Illustrated Sportsmen of the Year cover the pair did? No. Still, it's amazing that nobody seemed to even think the word steroids that year despite the fact even in plastic form McGwire has comically large forearms. The Sosa model is jarringly skinny, like Sosa on the Rangers string bean. Take a look:
That, sadly, wasn't the only old baseball (yes) toy I bought. Two dollars of my hard-earned money went for a Kaz Ishii McFarlane figure, just to complement the t-shirt jersey I purchased at Dodger Stadium many years ago of the former big league pitcher from Japan. Yes, this is going to be thrown in a closet and forgotten, along with the Brett Musberger "Rocky" figurine I actually own, but for $2 it's hard to pass up, isn't it?
The weird thing about Goodwill is they still have plenty of outdated audio formats, barring 8-tracks. If you want an old record of Italian standards? Go to Goodwill. Searching for Bill Joel's "The Stranger" on tape? Head to Goodwill. Looking for a book on tape of "How to Be Part of a Great Marriage"? You know what to do.
It's not exactly fair when they tease you with soothing sounds like this ... :
... only for the CD itself to be missing. If you're going to show me a case promising the soothing sounds of Enya and Yanni on the same disc, said disc better be inside the jewel case. Plain and simple. Total buzzkill.
Actually, the biggest buzzkill was walking toward the cash register and noticing a female customer wearing a tank top, despite the fact it appeared -- quite plainly -- that she had all sorts of hair and stuble on her exposed chest.
On second thought, Hollywood, remake another old TV series or reboot an old franchise.
That movie about a perfectly capable and productive member of society opting to live the rest of his life inside of a Goodwill store can wait.
Total haul
* Italy 1934 World Cup Champion t-shirt. (99 cents)
* "Swallows" shirts -- just for the comedy. (99 cents)
* TOOL (band) shirt that is actually pretty normal. (99 cents)
* The MLS Camp t-shirt. (99 cents)
* Some dark charcoal gray (ask Jean Ralphio) Barcadi shirt that you can't tell is for Bacardi. (99 cents)
* Four packs of Upper Deck 1991-92 NHL cards. (50 cents each)
* Las Vegas coffee mug. ($1)
* Morrisey "Viva Hate" CD. ($3)
* A Karl Pilkington-style brimmed cap. (which I never wear around people I know for fear of some kind of Tom Brady-style mockery) ($2)
* Scattergories (board game) ($3)
* Kaz Ishii McFarlane Toy ($2)
* Starting Lineup Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa 1998 Home Run Chase thing ($4)
Total: $19.01
God bless America.
Labels: MLS, old school, whimsy
You convinced me.
I'm going to my local thrift store tomorrow.
You should be writing comedy. Hilarious and witty.