That's On Point: The Web Site

Greetings, Internets. The gleeful mockery of Arsene Wenger and Arsenal will be put on pause for today's post-o-rama.

Instead, we'll talk about the events in the Premier League, a strange weekend lacking anything from the Top Five. Chelse, Spurs and Arsenal (league-wise) didn't play, while Manchester United and Manchester City tried to out-snooze each other.

Giddy up.

Procedural Soccer:

Manchester United 4, Wigan 0 .. about as predictable as this league gets. All that was missing for a slow-motion shot of Sir Alex Ferguson putting on his glasses and the strains of Roger Daltrey screaming, "Yeeeeeeeeeeah."

This was by the book, paint-by-numbers stuff, like a bad CBS crime procedural in the fact you always knew United were going to win 90 minutes later.

You want to go crazy about Wayne Rooney's early elbow on James McCarthy? Is it any surprise the league's most marquee star -- even if he's a noted hothead -- gets a free pass from the refs? Add another one to the Manchester United conspiracy theories and move on. McCarthy probably hurt his cause by not going to ground and pretending like he'd just been shot.

WWCD -- What would Cristiano do?

It's abundantly clear referee Mark Clattenburg caved to Rooney, Sir Alex Ferguson and United. That's sports, though, refs are always going to be biased or give certain teams and players the star treatment. Nobody likes it, but it's the reality of the situation.

Karma, remember, doesn't forget these type of things. If you could bet on Rooney breaking his metatarsal again before the end of the season, it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

My more relevant question from this otherwise forgettable match is this: Will Nani be the favorite to win the Player of the Year award(s) at the end of the season? You wouldn't think he's been the best player in the Prem. It doesn't feel right.

Then you look at the numbers, first that United are atop on the table and on track to win the league, coupled with his nine goals scored and 13 goals created, which accounts for nearly a full third of the Red Devils scoring output.

For all his errant dribbling, wild shots and failure to pass to teammates (on occasion when the mood strikes him) Nani has consistently been United' best offensive player, making up for Rooney's early struggles with form and Dimitar Berbatov's form, which fluctuates with the severity of the Earth's supposed climate changes. The only other United player would could challenge Nani for team MVP honors is Nemanja Vidic and we know defenders don't get the accolades from writers, do they?

Long story short, if Nani doesn't win Player of the Year, who then? Samir Nasri? Carlos Tevez? Rafael van der Vaart? If he stays healthy and keeps up his goal-scoring rate Robin van Persie?

Nani might get all the POY -- players', writers' and fans' -- by default.

Top of the Tofs, Table Choas:

Due to a deal I made with a co-worker at the end of 2010, I ended up having to work in the office Saturday night. Good times, let me tell you. The Internet on a Saturday tends to suck, Twitter is slow, only your less-cool friends are posting on Facebook. The main news/entertainment sites don't tend to update. Anyway, I clicked on some soccer site and had to do one of those comical eye rubs to see if what I saw was correct:

Everton in the top half of the Premier League table?

Yep, there they were. Los Tofs in 10th place by virtue of Saturday's nice-and-tidy 2-0 win at Goodison Park over Sunderland. A brace from neck-tat aficionado Jermaine Beckford was enough.

Even more impressive for Everton, they scored two goals without Tim Cahill on the field.

Everton's quick rise is a bit of a smokescreen. The table doesn't lie and in May for all the struggles, David Moyes would sign off for 10th. The thing is, take those bottom 10 teams, or place them in a hopper like the old board game "Trouble." There's no way to know how it all shakes out.

Blackpool looked great on Tuesday, beating Tottenham 3-1. Come Saturday the Tangerines, without Charlie Adam, were eviscerated 4-0 at Wolves, which appear ready to put up a real relegation fight. Same thing for West Ham, which looked spry in a 3-1 win over Liverpool at Upton Park. So spry Avram Grant might have smiled for roughly 0.0021 seconds.

Unlike previous seasons there isn't a clear-cut, automatic relegation candidate, meaning the trapdoor to the Championship will basically turn out to be musical chairs between 10-odd clubs. It's unlikely, too, that a team such as Wigan will avoid the drop simply by being slightly less awful than three other teams. It's going to take teams winning games, not just here or there, but sustained no-sucking to stay in the top flight in England. Hell, Carling Cup winners Birmingham are now only two points above relegation, but do have two games in hand.

West Ham and Wolves with players like Scott Parker, Jamie O'Hara and Kevin Doyle in form all of a sudden seem spry, while teams like Wigan and West Brom look on life support. Everton, if you look at the table seems safe. It sounds nice, 10th place, but Everton is a mere five points from relegation.

This will change weekly.

Bored to Death:

Aside from a nice goal from Mario Balotelli in the first half, Roberto Mancini's Manchester City tried to out-boring its August/September form. All that needs to be said, with Fulham pulled equal at 1-1 on a Damien Duff goal, Mancini brought on the calcifying body of Patrick Vieira. Smart.

The less said of this match, the better. Suffice to say Edin Dzeko hasn't hit the ground running against English opponents. Fortunately, Clint Dempsey continues to throw his body on the line every 90 minutes for the Cottagers.

At least we got a little spark at the end of the match when Mark Hughes blew off Roberto Mancini's handshake, pointing to his eyeball as he walked to the tunnel. It was pretty awesome. These two won't be exchanging Christmas cards any time soon.

One other thought, what to make of Balotelli. He's certainly a fascinating player, a combination of Dennis Rodman (craziness), Cristiano Ronaldo (skill/immaturity), Kevin Garnett (chip on shoulder) and Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno character (fashion sense). Throw in his Jackie Robinson-like story about life as a black/African Italian and breaking into the Azzurri national team set-up and there isn't anyone on the globe quite like Balotelli.

He could either end up on a list for the world's best, or in the police blotter for punching his teammates all in the face.

Cynically, at least the unpredictable emotional, melodramatic rollercoaster of Balotelli gives City some sort of personality outside their usual sky blue blandness.

Dumb and Dumber:

So... Ashley Cole shot a Chelsea intern in the leg with an air rifle.

Sounds about right. Is it any surprise a spoiled, renowned jerk like Cole would pull something like this, intentional or not?

One thing we tend to forget in America, since we barely ever hear these Premier League talk outside of brief postgame interviews is how disturbingly unintelligent most of them seem to be. You wouldn't think of it, since he's English, white, captain of England and all that jazz, but John Terry might be the dumbest (or at least sleaziest) pro athlete around. His brain seems to only be able to operate the following functions: playing soccer, playing video games, driving a car, sleeping with teammates girlfriends and crying.

I've railed a lot about how the American soccer system, which includes high school, sometimes college doesn't help develop elite level players. On the other side, it doesn't produce complete intellectual morons, either.

Fair trade off?

Upside of Cole's stupidity, coupled with the Fernando Torres signing Chelsea are back to being patently unlikeable. So there's that, at least.

Around the League:

Four goals in four games for Daniel Sturridge at Bolton. Mostly a forgettable 1-1 draw between Newcastle and Bolton Saturday. The Magpies got a goal from Kevin Nolan and finished the match with 10 men. ... Blackburn might be the least-watchable team in the Premier League. Another yellow card for Jermaine Jones. ... Jean Makoun was suspended for Aston Villa, and Michael Bradley still never saw the field. Panic! Villa, since adding Darren Bent and some sort of a consistent lineup do look much better. Stewart Downing playing much better as of late. Ashley Young scored twice, including his first goal from open play in quite some time. ... Speaking of MVPs, if West Ham survive, you could make an argument Scott Parker has been as valuable as anyone to his club during the season since for long stretches he was the only Hammer that wasn't a complete failure. Nice toe-poke goal to beat Pepe Reina, too.

Tuesday Night Football:

* Chelsea v. Manchester United -- (Live, FSC, 2:30 p.m.) Another midweek gem in the seemingly endless string of weekday games.

As odd as it sounds, this is probably a more important game for a team not participating -- Arsenal. If the Gunners are going to have a chance to win the Prem title, it'll be this week with United playing at Chelsea and Liverpool back-to-back. Will a win by the Blues make up for Arsenal's failure in the Carling Cup, no, but it'll open the door for Arsene Wenger's team to make up a four-point gap.

This will be a pretty good test for the much-maligned Torres, at Chelsea, since he seems to own United defender Nemanja Vidic. Without a healthy Rio Ferdinand, a front line of Torres and Didier Drogba would be tough for United to stop. That said, Nic Anelka seems to be Carlo Ancelotti's automatic choice to start for Chelsea.

United, you don't know what you're going to get from either Rooney or Berbatov, which is probably the key to this game since the midfields on both teams likely won't push the tempo, with tackles ruling the day. Expect a lot of fouls and a lot of set piece chances for both teams.

There are probably two ways this goes. This week the buzzards in the press are circling above Stamford Bridge, saying that the core of the Blues -- Drogba, Lampard, Terry and Cole -- are all too old and that their time is through. Maybe they rally and show they're not quite dead yet. The other option is United, as they've done all season, continue their smoke-and-mirrors campaign and find a way to pull out a result.

Oh right, there's also the likely option of a draw. United will likely keep the oars in, knowing a point on the road here won't kill them and keeps the pressure on Arsenal. If United do score, figure it to be late in the first half. ... Chelsea 1, Manchester United 1

Fantasy Team O' the Week:

Friend of the blog, Luke Sebastian's Paddy's Pub takes top honors with 77 points this week thanks to 22 from Rooney, 18 from Ashley Young and a lot of balance everywhere else.

One Other Thing:

The best comedy you've never heard about -- "Trailer Park Boys" -- is now on the NetFlix "watch instantly" list. All seven seasons of the show are available. Can't recommend it highly enough. First season is a slower burn, though it's only six episodes. You won't be able to stop by season two or three.

There are a few reasons, which become abundantly clear early on, why this Canadian gem hasn't become a bigger hit across the border.

Labels: English Premier League, EPL, Monday recaps, Soccer

Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: (sarcastically) No, I do not know what Schadenfreude is. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know!
Lisa: It's a German term for 'shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! -- The Simpsons, "When Flanders Failed."


... In which we take a break from Premier League action to roast Arsenal for an epic failure in the Carling Cup final against Birmingham City.

It's easy, I suppose, in the year 2011 to simply stamp every misstep, every mistake, every goof, every gaffe, every foible, every dropped pass, every air ball, every missed sitter, etc. with four letters: F-A-I-L. That's the way Internet culture has made most people with a mouse and a keyboard. It's how Daniel Tosh makes a living. It's how Tumblrs spring up overnight for our collective Lulz. Type in "Fail" to Google and you're entertained, however low brow, for hours.

Behind the anonymity of a screen name or avatar the general tendency is to mock and scorn anyone, especially athletes and celebrities who make more money than us. It's easy, it's fun and gosh darn if it makes our hearts all the blacker on the inside, who cares?

Saying that, is why it's hard not to take an absolute gallows humor delight from Arsenal's failings in the Carling Cup today. Not to sound too much like Eric Cartman, but damn it, I was smiling ear-to-ear at Jack Wilshere's "tears of unfathomable sadness!"

Is it inherently wrong, after a miserable Saturday, to allow Arsenal's failures to cheer me up?

This loss was perfect in its simplicity. Everything the critics had lambasted Arsene Wenger for over the past five or six years came home to roost in the two-plus hours on the Wembley Stadium pitch.

* Key players sitting on the bench in street clothes for injury? Si, Senor Cesc.
* Allow a goal off a set piece? Check.
* Dance around the penalty area instead of taking shots? Check.
* Yelling at the refs? Check. (Looking in your direction Mr. Wilshere.)
* Robin van Persie hurting himself, on a goal no less? Yep.
* Totally anonymous performances from Maroune Chamakh and Nic Bendtner? Done-and-done.
* A total comedy of defensive errors between Laurent Koscielny and Wojciech Szczesny on Obafemi Martins game-winner? Indeed.


All that was missing from the goal was "Yakety Sax." Expect some very fun memes from this total, collective defensive mistake. Here's my favorite, already, of Jean Beausejour slapping Koscielny on the back of the head.

This was, for all intents-and-purposes, an Arsenal fan's worst nightmare.

Every little chink in Wenger's armor was exposed. Almost six trophy-less seasons, six years of buying Wenger's plan, six years of patience in the young players, six years of waiting for the swallows to return to Capistrano ... and the Gunners couldn't even beat Birmingham City, which started Martin Jiranek in central defense as well as every English soccer snob's favorite whipping mule, Nikola Zigic up top.

More amazing, Arsenal can turn around a 1-0 deficit at halftime to Barcelona -- the crown princes/holy monks -- of world soccer, and follow it up with an FA Cup draw with Leyton Orient and a Carling Cup final defeat to Birmingham City -- a team that is so unglamorous it's collectively barred from even looking at Xavi, Sergio Busquets and Lionel Messi on television.

Is it a massive overreaction to consider this Wenger's Waterloo? The end of an era? The final proof his long-term building through youth isn't going to amount to any trophies?

The knives will be out in force, for certain ... even if it's only the Carling Cup. Arsenal, lest we forget, are only four points behind Manchester United in the Premier League and very much alive vs. Barcelona in the Champions League Round of 16.

Wenger, of course, is a lot like the band TV on the Radio -- critically bulletproof. Whatever you want to say about it, bounces off him or falls on deaf ears. Barring an off-field, untoward incident there doesn't seem to be a way where the Arsenal brass would ever let him go. Wenger is Arsenal at this point. Remember, there are obviously worse things in the world a soccer team can do than consistently finish in the top four of the Premier League, play aesthetically pleasing ball and excite their cosmopolitan fans worldwide.

Why, however, Wenger hasn't been able to win anything at the club since the 2005 FA Cup is a mystery that remains open on the board in red ink like a (fictitious) unsolved West Baltimore homicide.

If you want to take the devil's advocate approach, maybe Sunday's loss is the best thing that could happen to Arsenal since it finally might convince Wenger he needs to spend money on a proven, quality central defender. As bad as he was Sunday -- and lucky to avoid an early penalty for wiping out Bowyer -- there does seem potential in Szczesny. Problem is, at Arsenal you can't play a player in goal on potential alone. I'm not one of those people that flips out on every goal Arsenal allows, but Sunday it was so comically bad that it proves without a shadow of a doubt change is necessary in some form at the Emirates.

In short, same old Arsenal.

Changing, into less cynical gears, one of the things all writers do -- myself included -- is fall into the trap of bashing the loser, especially if it's a team favored like Arsenal. Birmingham City deserve a heaping load of credit for grinding out a result and giving the actual city of Birmingham it's best day on the world stage since Tommy Iommi wrote the opening riff to "N.I.B."

El Brum didn't let Arsenal run riot after van Persie's equalizer, whereas many teams at that point capitulate with over a half left to play. Alex McLeish knew his team's limitations and strengths. Tactics blogs aren't going to wax poetic of goals nodded in by the 6-foot-8 frame of Zigic, but they all count the same on the scoreboard, don't they? McLeish also didn't bow down to the mighty Arsenal and expect to kiss the proverbial ring, either. Late in the match he subbed off holding/defensive midfielder Keith Fahey -- who'd ratted the frame of the goal earlier in the match -- for another forward in Martins, who'd go on to score the winner.

Credit to Birmingham for another fine display in net by Ben Foster, who made a late reaction save to keep the score 1-1. Same goes for no-name defender Roger Johnson, who hobbled through the second half with a leg injury, making Theo Walcott's absence hurt all the more.

Are Birmingham, a team with journeyman pros like Stephen Carr and Lee Bowyer, a squad that sets the hearts-and-minds alight like Arsenal's would-be "magical" brand of soccer? Absolutely not.

On this day, however, they were the better side and have a trophy to show for it, even if it's only the Carling Cup.

And it's one more trophy in the cabinet that Arsenal has to show for itself since 2005, too.

Labels: Arsenal, birmingham city, carling cup, fails, Soccer

From the dreaded "You Snooze, You Lose" department -- my planned essay for the week leading into my dreadfully ill-fated Premier League picks.

For the last week or two I'd been bouncing around an idea in my head (truth) how the NBA was becoming about as competitive as the Premier League -- or other major soccer leagues. In short, in a given season at best five or six of the NBA's 30 teams can realistically say they can win an championship.

And, of course, on Wednesday the Wall Street Journal beat me to the punch ... and prolly a bunch of other, quicker, smarter, more erudite folks too..

Alas.

One key difference to the swinging competitive balance in the NBA vs. the EPL is that luck certainly plays, or at least played, a much bigger factor in success in basketball thanks to the draft. The San Antonio Spurs lucked in Tim Duncan. The Cleveland Cavaliers got lucky with the No. 1 pick, taking LeBron James and becoming relevant for the first time in franchise history, up until last July and that highwater mark in ESPN history "The Decision."

With basketball, too, one or two players swing the competitive balance, whereas in the Premier League it's the overall financial advantage and clout swung around by the top five or six teams which set them apart from the chaff, with their ability to assemble a star-sudden, deep roster. One or two players make a difference, but we might see Manchester United win the Prem crown this season, just two years removed from losing (arguably) the world's best player, Cristiano Ronaldo.

Contrast to the fate of the Cavs post-LeBron's decision to sign with Miami. The club might as well pack it in. Barring winning the NBA Lottery and landing another generational talent the Cavs(*) are doing anything productive beyond serving as the nightly opponent for the 29 other teams in the league. Is maybe in a few years fighting for the No. 8 seed in the Eastern Conference and the right to lose the top team worth devoting your time an energy (or disposable income) as a fan?

(*) The other night I was talking to a girl at the bar and she casually mentioned how she was a Cavs fan. My immediate reaction, "sorry." Then she went on about how she likes Anderson Varejao since his hair looks like Sideshow Bob. Suffice to say, the names Mark Price, Larry Nance and Craig Ehlo probably don't draw too much water for her.

Not to sound like a depressed, 1995 Havard-era Rivers Cuomo, but why would you bother rooting for a team like the Cavs, or other NBA also rans? Isn't it a fruitless pursuit? Granted, I'm not Bill Simmons -- aka the official NBA historian -- but aside from the anomaly that was the 2005 Detroit Pistons, the NBA title is almost exclusively won by a team featuring some combination of: Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan, Hakeem Olajuwon, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Larry Bird.

In the NBA, the cream ultimately rises to the top, especially in a best-of-seven playoff series.

Long story short, the NBA is a star, dare we say, superstar driven league. If you don't have one, thanks for playing. Keep your fingers crossed the ping pong balls fall your way for the next Blake Griffin.(*) In the meantime, keep charging $200 for courtside seats, pumping your arena family-friendly hip-hop jams during the run of play, firing hot dogs into the upper deck and, maybe, have a mascot on a trampoline jump through a fiery hoop. If you're very courageous, hire Whoopi Goldberg to coach for a few games to drum up interest.

(*) BLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKEBLAKE. Sorry Simmons hijacked my blog for a second... Are we sure it's a good idea for a franchise player to be jumping over cars? A franchise player with a history of knee injuries. It is, after all, fantastic.

Now this is about the place where I'm going to blow your mind with a Premier League or soccer-related corollary. Prepare to be a little let down, since it's not a direct connection aside from the fact that, yeah, like the NBA the Premier League -- or most major league's around the world -- can only be won by a small cabal of clubs, as noted by this list:


Selected variance of title-winning soccer clubs across the globe in the last 30 years:

* England (Premier Era, post-1992): Manchester United (11), Chelsea (3), Arsenal (3), Blackburn Rovers 1.

* Spain (La Liga, post 1980): Real Madrid (11), Barcelona (11); Athletic Bilbao (2), Valencia (2), Real Socidad (2), Atletico Madrid (1), Deportivo (1) ... (Note: Only Valencia has broken up the Real/Barca dominance since the turn of the century.)

* Italy (Serie A, post 1980): Juventus (9), AC Milan (7), Inter (6), Roma (2), Napoli (2), Lazio (1), Sampdoria (1), Verona (1).

* Germany (Bundesliga, post 1980): Bayern Munich (17), Werder Bremen (3), Stuttgart (3), Hamburg (2), Borussia Dortmund (2) Kaiserslautern (2), Wolfsburg (1).

The "big" leagues are actually more democratic than the rest of the Europe, for example.

* Turkey (Super Lig, post 1959): Fenerbahçe (17), Galatasaray (17), Beşiktaş (13), Trabzonspor (6) Bursaspor (1) ... (Note, Trabzonspor only won the league once in last 30 years and Bursapor won its first title last season.)

* Scotland (SPL era, since 1998-99): Rangers (6), Celtic (6).

* Netherlands (Eredivisie, since 1980): PSV (14), Ajax (10), Feyenoord (3), AZ (2), Twente (1).

It should come as no surprise most of these leagues look a lot like the NBA Championship list post 1980, which reads: Lakers (9), Bulls (6), Spurs (4), Celtics (4), Pistons (3), Rockets, (2), 76ers (1), Heat (1). Also noteworthy, in that span the NBA has had repeat (or three-peat) champions seven times.

Club soccer is no stranger to "super clubs." Players are attracted to the history of a club, say Manchester United, and the ability to win trophies, offsetting however miserable the weather might be in the city most of the year. Good players want to play alongside other greats, throw in a dash of glitz or glamor and the lesser run teams are resigned their fates, fighting it out for the table scraps. The massive weekly wages the big clubs can afford -- or at least write off Michel Platini be damned -- don't hurt, either.

The fear with soccer that in the immediate future we could have a system where there are only about five or six clubs that "matter" across the entire world, with everyone else -- likely due to satellite television and those rights -- relegating everyone else to also-ran status. Sadly, writing a blog like this about European soccer from the comfort of America is contributing to this.

Think back to Mohamed Diame's comments about Wigan in January: "The truth about life in Wigan is there is nothing to do. It is a crappy place. The town is tiny and there is no atmosphere."

This already seems to be the underlying attitude for most would-be NBA free agents. So what if all they want to do is sit around all day and play video games, they still want that illusion playing in a happening spot where a music video might be filmed.

The NBA is in the midst of this change, with the "superstar" players all trying to align themselves, mostly around the cities that seem to have the best night life: New York, Miami and Los Angeles. At least, in theory, there is an NBA salary cap and only 29 other destinations for free agents, so teams in unfancied places like Minnesota or Sacramento can pay comparative salaries to players, or at least overpay to keep their stars, though it didn't do much good with the Denver Nuggets are Carmelo Anthony.

All this rolls around to my big question, unless you live in close proximity to a place like Cleveland, why root for the Cavs? Even if you do, with cable and satellite, the internet and everything else aside from the idea of civic pride is there a reason to root for a team essentially consigned to failure?(*) If you're like most younger fans, you might simply root for a player or set of players who you like to use in "NBA 2K," or just watch the amended nightly dunk highlights on "Sportscenter" anyways.

(*) It's not like a mohawked Charlie Sheen is going to ride into town and save the Cavs like what happened with the Indians almost 20 years ago. Oh wait.

Better example, if you happen to live in Northwestern England, how many dominoes need to fall in order to find yourself supporting Wigan Athletic? At least with a club like Wigan or other less glamorous English teams, you have some compelling local rivalries, the FA and Carling Cups, the nail-biting, nervous fun of relegation. It's barely more tangible than rooting for your favorite also-ran NBA team to score a certain amount of points to win free grease-laden treats from Taco Bell. at least, though, it's something. Wigan, in this instance, at least have some of the cheapest tickets in all of England. There are worse things than going to the DW Stadium to kill three, four hours on a Saturday, right?

The thing is, a person like me sitting on my couch in Connecticut or Calgary or China or any other place that begins with "C" isn't exactly going to run out and root for a team like Wigan or West Brom, now are we? If people across the globe don't care about the Memphis Grizzlies or New Jersey Nets or Minnesota Timberwolves, it's not the end of the world, considering the NBA has a salary cap -- for now -- and some basic level revenue sharing. The team will continue to just simply, exist, popping up like Puxatawney Phil once a year for the NBA Draft Lottery during halftime of a playoff game.

Meanwhile, the massive global fanbases of clubs like Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal set them further and further apart. Chelsea has it both ways, a super rich Russian owner and a commitment to growing the club's brand globally. Manchester City has the money, but the one area they can't buy their way into is the hearts and minds of the global audience. A story for another day.

The also-rans of the EPL do have marginally more to play for than their NBA brethren, assuming you still value the Europa League. What they lack is financial security. When the New Orelans Hornets owners went broke, the NBA bought the team. When that happens in England, the FA docks you 10 or 15 points, dooming you to relegation and eventual destruction. In a closed system, if you can tolerate the red ink, you can just go existing ... not the case in the promotion/relegation world of soccer, which has less financial safety nets to protect its clubs.

What strikes me as odd is that in the Premier League, in theory, you'd have a better chance for an outsider to challenge for the title as opposed to the NBA, yet most non-elite clubs seems resigned to accepting their fates as midtable or worse.

Think about it, the player pool across the globe for soccer players is much deeper than that of the NBA for basketball players. A couple savvy moves, coupled by a manager with a little tactical gusto and it shouldn't be that difficult. It's not like you have a salary cap(*) to worry about. The bigger part of the equation is a belief (and funds) it can be done. Ambition doesn't, apparently, grow on trees in England.

This season, in earnest, we've seen a team like Blackpool throw caution into the wind and play attack-minded soccer. The Tangerines won't win the title, but at least they're trying to do something positive.

On the other hand NBA teams face an uphill battle, unless they have one, two or even three elite level players. Those, in fact, do not grow on trees. Yet teams are more than happy selling their fans on chances to maybe grab a No. 6 seed, making salary-cap killing, lateral moves in the process. If you can't win it all in the NBA you might as well win 10 games and try to win the lottery year after year. There is absolutely no incentive for mediocrity in the NBA, unless you like writing multi-million dollar million checks to guys like Elton Brand, Gilbert Arena, Travis Outlaw, and DeSagana Diop. Stern wouldn't like it, but why not just pay everyone the minimum unless you think you can actually contend? Why, as an owner, bleed dollars to -- at best -- lose in the first round of the playoffs?

Either way, this sporting glass ceiling isn't fun for anyone.

No wonder Kobe Bryant claims to be a Barcelona fan.

Might as well all be front runners.

Round 28 Picks:

Another weird weekend of fixtures, thanks to the Carling Cup final.

Saturday:

* Everton v. Sunderland -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) Admittedly, this isn't the most elegant way to frame it, but Everton ousting Chelsea in a memorable FA Cup clash was a much-needed injection of smack into the arms of the Toffees. The euphoria of stopping Chelsea -- the very team that beat Everton in the 2009 Cup final -- does a good job of clouding the reality at hand, the club is only three points above the relegation zone, albeit with four clubs sandwiched between the Tofs and 18th place. Hard to believe a team with the quality that David Moyes has assembled only has six wins in 26 matches. While Everton has to search couch cushions for a few loose pennies to find funds for unknown Greek teenagers, Sunderland spent in excess of $30 million on new guys, putting the club's year-end losses near $40 million. It's good ambition by Sunderland, but you wonder is seventh place -- where the Black Cats currently sit -- as good as its going to get in the interim? At least Asamoah Gyan is worth buying a ticket to see play. ... Everton 1, Sunderland 0

* Newcastle United v. Bolton -- Remarkable that noted English hotheads Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan have yet to be sent off this season, while the relatively unknown Ivorian Chieck Tiote (now signed through 2017, for whatever soccer contracts are worth) has eight yellow cards. One thing to note about Newcastle, the club has given up 11 of its 33 league goals in the final 15 minutes, perhaps attributed to a smallish squad and fatigue in players like Jose Enrique, Fab Colocinni and Jonas Gutierrez playing almost every minute of every match for the club? That's nothing compared to Bolton, the league's most compact side in terms of lineups. Gary Cahill, Zat Knight, Paul Robinson, Stu Holden, Kevin Davies and Johan Elmander have each logged well over 2,000 Premier League minutes this year. For whatever it's worth, Bolton have allowed 13 goals in the final 15 minutes, but also scored 12 in the same period. ... Newcastle United 3, Bolton 1

* Wigan Athletic v. Manchester United -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) If this isn't the Washington Generals vs. the Harlem Globetrotters of the Prem, what is? Unrelated note, it's high time that Hugo Rodellega makes a cameo on "Scooby Doo," if not, then "Futurama." ... Wigan 0, Manchester United 2

* Wolves v. Blackpool -- Be wary of clubs in yellow or orange in the Premier League. Watford was promoted a few years ago, and the yellow-clad hornets went right back down. Hull City, with it's mustard Tiger kits, lasted a year, then went back to the Championship. Wolves, with their orange-y home shirts appear to be following the path of Hull. And Blackpool? Maybe the Tangerines survive since their shirts are a shade of neon. Look, you can't find this sort of inside info any place else, can you? ... Wolves 3, Blackpool 2

* Aston Villa v. Blackburn Rovers -- Aston Villa's season is pretty much on the line this week, with an FA Cup date on March 2 with Manchester City. Problem is, Villa is only three points above the drop zone. How does Gerard Houllier manage it? Seems like this might be a chance for Michael Bradley to get a start. (U-S-A!) Villa is weird. Lots of parts you like, but as a whole, underwhelming. Give the club some time, right? ... As for Blackburn, awesome to read reports that Venky's -- the Indian Chicken Consortium that owns the club -- wants to buy either Kaka, Elano, Robino or Neymar. Yep. Sounds great. Actually, this might make sense since Robinho is destined to surpass his current AC Milan teammate -- Zlatan Ibrahimovic -- for the most transfer revenue generated by one player. Robinho only trails the Swede $188,000,000 to $124,000,000. I'm sure someone is stupid enough to break the bank for Robinho, who just might be the most overrated player in the world, or have the most inflated reputation compared to actual productivity. ... Aston Villa 2, Blackburn 0

Sunday:

* West Ham United v. Liverpool -- (Live, FSC, 8:30 a.m.) Of the Premier League "W" clubs in the relegation scrum, something tells me West Ham survives. Don't know why, other than with Scott Parker, Robert Green and corpse of Mathew Upson, there's a decent amount of professional pride out there. Maybe the return of Thomas Hitzlsberger and new arrival Demba Ba give Avram Grant enough pieces to tinker with. Liverpool have played 12 matches in 2011, scoring more than one goal in four games. In other words, get well soon Andy Carroll. ... West Ham 2, Liverpool 1

* Manchester City v. Fulham -- (Live, ESPN2, 10 a.m.) City aren't winning the title that much is clear. Is this squad motivated enough to retain a place in the top four and gain a Champions League berth for next season? City is only two points ahead of Spurs and four with Chelsea, which has a game in hand. Who is the most motivated by gaining the Champions League for the first time? Roberto Mancini? The players? The owners? The fans? Fulham has been a much better team in 2011, as it gets healthier and less reliant on Clint Dempsey every week. Fulham don't set the imagination alight, but it's a very competent side which gives a solid effort every time. ... Manchester City 1, Fulham 0

* (Bonus) Carling Cup Final -- Arsenal v. Birmingham City -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Arsenal ... going on six years without a trophy. Hard to believe. Harder to believe Birmingham manages to fend off the Gunners, even without Cesc Fabregas and Theo Walcott. The Gunners are better, significantly, especially with Samir Nasri back in the mix and young English "Bull-Lion" Jack Wilshere. Unless they really screw the pooch on defending set plays, hard to see them not strolling in this one. As an outsider, I'm not trying to jinx Arsenal.. The Gunners are that much better than Birmingham, which plays hard but can't score in open play. I'm pretty sure though, every Arsenal fan is expecting a replay of Martin Tyler's horror-tackle on Eduardo from 2008. Expect that to be mentioned during the broadcast, oh, 400 times. ... Arsenal 3, Birmingham City 1

Monday:

* Stoke City v. West Brom -- (Live, FSC+, 3 p.m.) Frankly, stunned ESPN isn't breaking into his mid-afternoon NASCAR roundtable for this game. America demands Ryan Shawcross and Chris Brunt! ... Stoke City 2, West Brom 1

Last round(s): 3-10
Season: 113-153

Labels: EPL, EPL picks, NBA, Soccer

Bart: Who's up at 3:17 AM watching TV?
Homer: Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners... -- The Simpsons, "Mr. Plow."

So ... umm, yeah.

Suppose you could easily transpose the first part of that exchange to read, "Who's up at 3:17 PM watching (live soccer) on TV?" The answer probably doesn't need to be altered, outside of adding college students to the mix.

I kid, I kid.

It never ceases to amaze me on days like today how unavoidable major world soccer has become on American airwaves. Granted, it's not over-the-air tv, nor is it basic cable, but take Tuesday for example. On MSG+, or other Fox Sports regional nets aired the Champions League Round of 16 affair between Real Madrid and Lyon. On Fox Soccer, amidst Katy Perry's bosom selling acne medicine and Andy Gray screaming about HD televisions, was Chelsea's trip to Copenhagen. Meanwhile, further up the dial on FSC Plus, Tottenham took on Blackpool, on a field that appeared to have just hosted a monster truck rally.

All-and-all, for a country that allegedly hates soccer, none too shabby.

The irony here, of course, is that unlike Europe or other places in the world there aren't any restrictions to when games can be beamed into our television sets. There aren't any local clubs to protect or FA bylaws to abide.

In the most delicious irony, it's actually easier to watch the (English) Premier League on television in the United States than it is in England.

And now with streaming technology, working, productive members of society can sneak peaks of this midweek matches from their office computers. If you have a soccer jones, it's nearly impossible not to scratch it.

Ah, Bartleby, ah technology.

... let's just keep our fingers crossed Watson doesn't become Skynet.

Chelsea 2, F.C. København 0

* Not a lot to say here. Chelsea took care of business behind a two-goal display from the soccer world's most universally loathed man, Nicholas Anelka. FCK was overmatched and it showed, it didn't help either than the club's allegedly most experienced player Jesper Grønkjær, formerly of Chelsea gave the ball away to Anelka inside of 20 minutes for an all too easy goal. At that point my attention shifted to Southeastern France and the Stade Gerland, so I won't waste your time with anything else.

However, the idea going into the match that Chelsea were vulnerable to a team like FCK is almost laughable. The fact there was snow on the streets of Copenhagen was why Chelsea would lose? It might've taken a nuclear winter on the Jutland peninsula to offset the talent gap between these teams. Chelsea isn't what it once was, but it can still brush aside a European lightweight on muscle memory alone.

Unlike last week's Champions League action, featuring AC Milan, Tottenham, Barcelona and Arsenal, the world wasn't exactly rushing to YouTube to upload Anelka's goals. Fortunately the ludicrous European junk food endorsement clips featuring "Le Sulk" never get old. Let's watch these and sneer.


***


* The only other talking point is that Carlo Ancelotti benched Didier Drogba in favor of Fernando Torres, sticking with the Blues' preferred 4-3-3. Methinks this will get a lot of play in the English press, maybe?

Torres wasn't totally terrible. On the plus side he was active and made some dangerous runs. His first and final touch are just awful at the moment.

I'm grateful to Ancelotti since it's hard to avoid taking glee in rooting against Torres and watching him fluff and scuff ball-after-ball. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, eventually Torres will recapture his past form and make us all eat our words.

For now, he's a meme-worthy joke.

See what I did in five minutes with a Danish stereotype (Legos) and MS Paint?


* Oh, since I'm feeling like a jerk, one other thought ... in nine months will we hear reports of multiple babies being born around Copenhagen with terrible haircuts who cry about usual baby things ... but especially after missed penalty kicks?

Lyon 1, Real Madrid 1

* Again, this isn't an indictment against La Liga as a whole. Admittedly it's not my cup of tea. You wonder though, Real Madrid can steamroll through Spain's domestic competition 85-90 percent of the time, then look nothing short of ordinary against a team like Lyon. Why? Is it because the Spanish minnows are used to capitulating? In Spain Real Madrid is 19-3-2, outscoring opponents 55-19 in the process. Real is five points behind Barcelona in first, but 12 better than third place Valencia.

Again, this is a bit of a hiccup and overreaction to one isolated match, though Madrid might be playing on eggshells in three weeks at the Bernabeau after Bafetimbi Gomis got Lyon a late equalizer. Madrid hasn't been past this stage since 2004. Guessing the Spanish media might mention this to Jose Mourinho somewhere in the range of 521 times until the replay.

And after a mostly invisible performance Tuesday, would it shock anyone for Cristiano Ronaldo to put on a show in the second leg?

Mourinho an at least smile a little bit, after yanking off Emmanuel Adebayor -- a guy who hasn't been good for bordering on two years and counting -- for Karim Benzema. The ex-Lyon striker bulldogs his way to a goal, making French teammate Hugo Lloris look pretty inept in the process.(*)



(*) And raising his stock to Arsene Wenger in the process. Zing!

Credit in this one to Lyon for not allowing the stunning goal by Benzema -- stunning in the fact of how quick the club's former hero scored when coming on -- and grinding out an equalizer. Earlier Gomis had roofed a chance, after doing the hard part by beating a diving Iker Casillas.

Real Madrid are still in good shape, since according to Opta Stats, 11 of the last 14 team's which drew 1-1 on the road in the first leg advanced.

Blackpool 3, Tottenham 1

Hey, bonus Prem action.

No surprise, with each Champions League match a dull slog, this match got most of my attention.

Again, Blackpool remain remarkable. The precision of the second goal, coming after a wide goal-mouth flurry in their own defensive half, finished by DJ Campbell on a picture-perfect back post cross from James Beattie just before halftime. Boom. Roasted.

It's fitting, too, Blackpool got a dream debut from Belorussian international Sergei Kornilenko, who drew a penalty which set up the first goal, converted by Charlie Adam from the spot.

As for Spurs, when you live on a thin line, these things happen. Tottenham has been playing with fire all season, over 38 matches you can't expect to come back from 1-0 week-in, week-out.

Call this one a karma adjustment for Spurs, who had about 10 clear-cut, quality chances. Luka Modric chipped Richard Kingson, only for it to be cleared off the line. Roman Pavyluchenko had a free header from close, but couldn't beat a diving Kingson. Niko Kranjcar came on late and almost was the hero again, but this time his shot was wide.

And then there is Jermain Defoe wasted about a half dozen good attempts, continuing his pitiful run of form. Call up Jose Canseco because if anyone needs the proverbial "slumpbuster" it's Defoe.

Even when it appeared Spurs caught a break -- a ball deflecting off Adam's back -- it went over the bar. Spurs could've scored five

Spurs could've put pressure on Chelsea for fourth place, instead the gap is a mere two points with Chelsea holding a game in hand.

Let's do this tomorrow afternoon, shall we?

Labels: champions league, Chelsea, lyon, real madrid, Soccer, the simpsons

Phew. Never felt so good to be back on planet Earth.

The 90 minutes of soccer -- admittedly it's probably an insult to even use that word for today's game, perhaps "heaven-ball" is more appropriate -- that transpired at the Emirates Stadium in North London between Arsenal and Barcelona was on par with astronaut Dave Bowman climbing in his space pod and traveling, "Beyond the Infinite."(*)

Andrey Arshavin's late winner -- more specifically the breathtaking passing sequence that set it up -- which gave the Gunners a 2-1 advantage in the return leg of the their Champions League Round of 16 affair at the Camp Nou was so life affirming there is an Internet report an Arsenal fan in Peru ascended to the top of Machu Picchu and actually became the "Starchild" from "2001."

(*) Kids, word of advice don't do drugs. Don't. The last thing you want do with your life is watch this sequence of "2001" synced with Pink Floyd's "Echoes." Just move along. What would Mr. T say?

Okay, I'll stop. Those previous paragraphs are dripping with some much sarcasm you could probably pour them atop a pair of Eggo waffles and have a fairly healthy -- if not bitter -- breakfast.

This was a fairly fantastic match, from a drama standpoint. More specifically if you were rooting for the Gunners. The eventual 2-1 scoreline set up the return leg to be even more engrossing.

Unlike the last time these two teams played in the Champions League, this wasn't ripped right out of a video game. Arsene Wenger probably won't declare that Lionel Messi is, "a Playstation" after this one. It was exciting, no doubt, but it wasn't a chance a minute as Barcelona looked a little flat.

Arsenal deserve heaps of credit. Barely two weeks after choking up a 4-0 halftime lead against Newcastle United, Wenger's charges didn't let David Villa's first half goal sink them. Instead the team fought back, taking the game to Barcelona, which maybe was a little less assured without club captain Carlos Puyol playing the role of shaggy-haired defensive saftey net.

If there's a bigger lesson to learn from Arsenal, or the trends in soccer as a whole, bunkering down, playing 10 men behind the ball against superior competition is setting yourself up to die a slow death, be it in one match or the long term relegation battle. If Arsenal laid in deep, relied on Johan Djourou and Laurent Koscielny to keep Barca off the scoreboard? Well, that's doomed to fail. Eventually a ball is going to squirt through, unless you're going to embrace the dark arts like Inter Milan did in the second leg of its Champions League tie with Barca last season. Arsenal isn't cut out for that sort of thing, are they?

Finally coaches are realizing it's better to go down swinging. Admittedly, it's not that simple. Few teams can stand toe-to-toe with Barcelona, but at least you can try to take it to them, rather than accepting a 5-0 defeat like so many La Liga minnows. The Gunners might be the only team in the world who could stand on equal footing with Barcelona, keeping the Catalans worried on the open-play, open-space counter attack. That's why the return leg should be fascinating to see if Arsene Wenger dares to push for an early away goal, exposing the Arsenal defense in the process.

Robin van Persie certainly abided to some of this philosophy, as well as the mantra of if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try and try again. The Dutchman keep on shooting until he converted a shot from an insane angle at the near post on a ball played in by Gael Clichy, which made Barca keeper Victor Valdes look like a fool, though it's hard to blame him when nobody in their right mind figured van Persie had the audacity to go for goal from where he was. They're call Dutch geniuses for a reason.

I've made a living, so to speak, taking potshots at the frailty of van Persie. The last couple weeks actually have made me feel bad about it, since he's been so fun to watch work his magic around the penalty area.

The Arshavin go-ahead goal? Actually that did look like something from a video game, with a neat passing-sequence from Jack Wilshere, Cesc Fabregas, and finally Samir Nasri. The, correct me if you've heard this description before, Much Maligned Russian curled the shot in under just under Eric Abidal, like a finesse shot ripped directly out of "FIFA 11."

In the end, this was certainly a dramatic match with plenty to talk about, though in many ways it was a lot like the Wayne Rooney bicycle kick.

Perhaps we tend to lionize both a little more because of the parties involved. If, say, Valencia and FC Shalke 04 played the exact same match when they met at the Mestella on Tuesday, we all nod our heads and say, yeah, fun match. Since it's Barcelona and Arsenal and all the history those two clubs encompass and what they represent in their respective leagues.

That's why it's a fool's errand to try to compare actual flesh-and-blood sports to a video game. In a video game or any other simulation there's no context, while in real life their is drama to be found beyond the actual final score. You have to know the particulars, the players involved, the backstories, the heroes, the villians. All the pieces matter, apologies to Lester Freamon.

Act II of this affair ought to have all of those elements in spades.

'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky.

Other Thoughts:

* Lionel Messi once again flubbed his chances on English soil, making him 0-for-8 scoring in games played in the Merry Olde. Yep, he clearly sucks.

* Can only imagine how gaga the English press must be over Wilshere. Then again, this is the natural process of things over there. Hype a guy nonstop, wait for a crack and then tear him down. Suffice to say, Wilshere likely received a book offer in the postgame. He must have a thrilling life story to tell.

* Alex Song dyed his beard blond. It looked worse than it sounds. Even Abel Xavier was shaking his head from whatever bridge he's currently living under.

* Wojciech Szczęsny has impressed me. For his own good, he ought to consider changing his name to Wally Smith, because even Mike Krzyzewski would have a hard time remembering how to properly spell his name every time.

* Not exactly Pep Guardiola's best tactical match ever. Seydou Keita on for Villa in the 68th to shore up the Barca defense didn't quite pan out, did it. Guess the Catalans truly miss Yaya Toure.

* Xavi. Bravo. Even in a loss you are a god among men. Assuming humanity still exists, there will be operas written about his pass completion statistics.

Labels: Arsenal, barcelona, champions league

Answer: It's too boring.

Question: What is the most common complaint most Americans have about watching soccer?

If only they knew about Harry Redknapp's Tottenham Hotspur.

Tuesday's Champions League Round of 16 affair at the rainy San Siro in Northern Italy against AC Milan once again proved the theory that it's seemingly impossible to have a boring game with Spurs involved.

Granted, in this case most of the incident could be chalked up to Gennaro Gattuso losing his mind during the match and later assualting Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan(*) with a headbutt, but the point holds. No matter, wherever Spurs travel, "hiiiiiiigh incident" soccer follows.

(*) Is you saying I'm not 'Ard?

What struck me as odd, heading into this tie, was most in the English media figured Spurs couldn't beat the seven-time European champions. The logic, as usual, was flawed assuming since Spurs had never played in this competition under its current configuration, whilst Milan had all the pedigree.

Eh, guess it's easier to write it that way. Maybe it's English negativity, which prevents journos from acknowledging that from a man-for-man talent standpoint Spurs were every bit the equal of Milan. Spurs, as we saw, had more balance across the field, whereas Milan was hampered by a complete lack of width coupled with the complete uselessness of Robinho and Zlatan Ibrahimovic -- the club's two mega-money signings in the summer.

Hell, Milan was shut down by Spurs midfield pairing of Sandro and Wilson Palacios, the latter who's on the verge of his first name being changed to, "The Much Malgined."

Let that sink in.

Ok, back to business.

This game was by no means a classic from an actual sporting standpoint. One quick burst by Aaron Lennon -- breaking Mario Yepes' ankles in the process -- and a composed finish by Peter Crouch were the difference, a difference which gives Spurs a Mike Francesa-level yuuuuuuge advantage heading into the second leg at White Hart Lane.



Tottenham took the game to Milan in the first half then weathered the storm in the second and didn't get pulled into Gattuso's decending madness, punctuated by the noted hardman punching the ground -- twice -- after finally being booked with a yellow card. For whatever defensive frailties Spurs display every week in the Premier League, the team marked tight and held firm throughout this one. A very smart, composed display from Spurs whether designed by Redknapp or dumb luck.

The display from Milan -- notably Mathieu Flamini's ridicolous two-foot lunge on Verdan Corluka -- brought me back to June 2006 in Kaiserslautern, Germany, the night Italy used every bit of gamesmanship, dirty tactics and anti-soccer in a 1-1 draw with the USMNT in the World Cup group stage. Walking the streets of Kaiserslautern(*) back to the train station I continually flopped on the ground pretending to be a memeber of the Azurri and pantomiming an imaginary red card. Fun stuff. Flew over most of the Italian fans heads since they're so used to those sorts of "dark arts."

(*) Also lining the streets of Kaiserslautern, Gattuso and his Italian teammates in their underwear. European cut underwear.

It was hard to ever look at Italian soccer the same way.

What's sad, is that over the last few years I've come to appreciate some of what Serie A has to offer. Antonio di Natale at Udinese makes me smile and the play of Napoli has been eye-opening. Even Inter, with Wesley Sneijder and Sammy Eto'o in the mix can be a joy to watch.

Milan's display in the second half, spearheaded by Gattuso reminded me why Serie A is to so many in the soccer world a dirty word.

Spurs on the other hand, are seemingly trying their hardest to convert an admitted club football agnostic -- me -- to see the light, 90 minutes at a time.

Random Thoughts:

* Marvelous display by Peter Crouch, jumping around like a pogo stick to win balls and cause a nusence for the Milan defense all day. Such a strange player -- who seemingly illicts a strong reaction from anyone and everyone. Unique might not be a strong enough word to describe him.

* Where would Tottenham be without William Gallas?

* If you're a coach, do you want a player like Gomes in goal? He'll make wonderful, acrobatic reaction saves, then cost you a match with an easy blunder.

* Christian Abbati. Avowed facist.

* Ibrahimovic might be the best bully player of all time. Every great player, regardless of the sport, feast on minnows and overmatched opponents. Is it any coincidence the big Swede only has three goals in 22 Champions League knockout round matches? Simply baffling. The guy is capable of some of the most amazing goals you'll ever see ... but how about a few goals from the Pippo Inzaghi playbook when the games are on the line, right?

* If you're an AC Milan fan, best hope Massimo Allegri starts Alexandre Pato at White Hart Lane.

In Closing:

Gritty, gutty win by Spurs. This team keeps finding a way, conventional wisdom be damned.

As for Milan? Think of every time over the last decade we had to endure ESPN's Derek Rae refer to him as the, "snarling bulldog."

Tuesday that bulldog needed a rabies check.

Labels: ac milan, champions league, Soccer, tottenham hotspur

Another weekend in the English Premier League in the books.

What do you guys want to talk about?

Oh wait, hold that though, need to check my email. Yep, you guessed it, it was my grandmother(*) sending me a clip of Wayne Rooney's game-winning bicycle kick golazo Saturday in the Manchester Derby.

(*) This is an easy joke to make since, to my knowledge, my grandmother has never used a computer ... ever. In a way, I envy her.

So, right, by now if you're a soccer fan be it a hardcore nerd devising chalkboards and figuring out why 3-4-1-2 will always beat 4-2-3-1 or a casual fan, more inclined to play "FIFA 11" at 2:37 a.m. Sunday, you've likely seen Rooney's goal ... more than a few times before the Richard Scudamore Digital Copyright Police pulled the clip off various popular Tube sites.


<a href="http://msn.foxsports.com/foxsoccer/video?vid=d0c22342-6f41-4bd7-938c-d5f9a31eb7e8" target="_new" title="">Rooney's Bicycle Kick from all angles</a>

Labels: Arsenal, EPL, manchester city, manchester United, Monday recaps, tottenham hotspur, Wayne Rooney

Why do we plop down on the couch to watch a sporting event? Wait, don't say boredom, general malaise or apathy to do anything else productive with your life that doesn't involve holding a remote in one hand and a Bud Light in the other.

Beyond my general cynicism, it's a simple question to answer when you have a vested rooting interest in one of the participants. It's "your" team, so you watch and endure the agita and sometimes the ecstasy.

What about when you could care less about the two teams on the field, court, rink, diamond, etc.? Chances are, if you're like most modern-day Americans if the sport is baseball and your favorite team isn't involved, you'll find something else to watch, most likely a show about people picking through junk looking to make a profit.

Take last weekend's Super Bowl, or any of the NFL playoff games in fact.

Even if you didn't have a dog in the fight, you can still sit down and watch the games. They're entertaining enough, even with the occasional Joe Buck sighting.

Personally this year's Super Bowl didn't matter to me emotionally one iota. The only thing that got me slightly interested was rooting against "Ben."

Soccer seems to follow the NFL model, both here and abroad. You don't have to necessarily have a clear rooting interest, you can still watch -- under the right circumstances -- a game like last week's Chelsea/Liverpool match and not feel like you've wasted your life for the last two hours. There's enough going on on-and-off the field to attract your attention, whereas any game involving Wigan Athletic probably doesn't.

There's always the other side of the equation, sometimes you'll tune into a particular game to root against one of the contestants. Many times this is more fun than rooting for your team. Call it the Duke basketball effect. Who doesn't enjoy rooting against those floor-slapping jerks?

This all brings us to Saturday morning's Manchester Derby.

If you're one of the millions around the globe that want to vomit at the sight of a smiling Sir Alex Ferguson, this is a no brainer. You hate United, you root against them at every turn, at every 14-minute stoppage time, at every brazenly wrong penalty decision.

In years past, too, the Manchester Derby was a simple Haves (United) vs. Have-Nots (City) scenario. Nine out of 10 are likely siding with the plucky underdogs instead of the multi-time champs.

What now though? With City's recent influx of billions? Old Money vs. Nouveau Riche isn't nearly as much fun to take a side for or against.

It's so much money on both sides that the Wall Street Journal as proclaimed it the most expensive match in sports history. And, if you care, if City realistically wants to pretend it's a title contender, it better walk away from Old Trafford for all three points.

City are a bit of a monkey wrench in the love/hate rooting equation. In theory it's no fun to root for a team with owners richer than God himself and an endless supply of transfer funds to spend on bringing in James Milner to sit the bench. Yet in actuality City give off such a buzz of indifference it's hard to even throw your entire weight behind rooting for them to fail. Aside from Nigel de Jong's mere presence and Roberto Mancini's scarves this team is oh-so-very "meh."

United are still big bad United, even off a loss at Wolves. If you're a soccer fan long ago you made the choice where you sing, "Glory, Glory Man United," or "Fuck Off Mancs." This match isn't going to decide it.

Fortunately in soccer, it can always end in a draw.

Round 27 Picks

Once again, the best match of the weekend kicks off early Saturday morning. Be easy on the Four Loko Friday night, folks.

Saturday:

* Manchester United v. Manchester City -- (Live, FSC, 7:45 a.m.) Fairly important game, this. City are five back of United with one more game played. Do the math. United can put City out of the mix with a win. You just, hate to say it, wonder if the match will be XI vs. XI or XII vs. XI.

You'd like United a lot more in this one if Rio Ferdinand were healthy, since Jonny Evans is nothing short of a disaster waiting to happen, and that's if he even plays. Early Friday Evans was ruled -- addition by subtraction -- meaning Chris Smalling, a guy who always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, fills in next o Nemanja Vidic.

The big question here is what Roberto Mancini does in a game he has, stress has to play for all three points, or else face ridicule for having a smaller "pair" than previously thought. Would he risk an the possibility of Edin Dzeko fizzling out and leave the Bosnian on the bench? Even Roy Hodgson would laugh -- or at least rub his face -- should Mancini play with his usual 1995 Serie A conservatism. Hell, even the ghost of Barry Goldwater might find time to chuckle.

David Silva could do a lot to counter this, since he should have space to operate and find Carlos Tevez on the edge of the penalty area. Still not crazy about Yaya Toure Yaya in an advanced role, if he and Dzeko are lined up centrally on the same vertical line, it's almost too much size and clogs the lanes for Silva and Tevez to cut inside.

On the other side, will Ferguson partner Wayne Rooney and Dimitar Berbatov, or spread things out with a wider, 4-3-3 formation? City don't tend to give up a lot of consistent chances throughout a match so United can't afford to be wasteful.

If the midfield is a cramped, scorched earth battlefield, both sides will need to utilize their wide players. Do you have more faith in Rafael and Patrice Evra or Alexsander Korolov and Pablo Zabaleta? You'd think Ferguson will look at Jerome Boateng as a player to attack with Evra, Ryan Giggs and Evra.

Afraid this match might not be all that exciting, but considering my mush-like skills picking games this season, it'll now go the opposite direction. ... United 1, City 1

* Arsenal v. Wolves -- (Live, ESPN2, 10 a.m.) According to anyone that studies sports or sports metrics, momentum doesn't exist. This would be a fine litmus test for that, with Arsenal coming into the match off blowing a famous 4-0 lead last weekend at Newcastle, while Wolves though pinned near the bottom of the table, beat Manchester United last week. Does that matter when the whistle sounds at the Emirates? In short, Samir Nasri get well soon. Do like having Jamie O'Hara back in my life at Wolves, though. ... Arsenal 3, Wolves 1

* West Bromwich Albion v. West Ham United -- West Brom turns to ... Roy Hodgson? Good luck with that. People may want to compare this to Fulham from 2007, but he had a little more time to work with the club. Taking the reigns in mid-February doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room. ... If it's possibility to have below 0.0 interest in something, then apply that to me toward West Ham and Tottenham fighting over the London Olympic Stadium. ... West Brom 2, West Ham 1

* Liverpool v. Wigan Athletic -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) The Goodship Liverpool returns to Anfield. Too bad FSC doesn't usually transmit in Dolby Digital, since the Kop ought to be in full voice singing love songs to Kenny Dalglish. Rumor has it, too, that Morganna the Kissing Bandit has been spotted on Merseyside. Even without Steven Gerrard, Liverpool should find a way to win, even if Wigan have made a living being the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Seems like a nice place for Luis Suarez to make his first start. ... Liverpool 2, Wigan 0

* Blackpool v. Aston Villa -- Surprised to see Aston Villa the 20th richest club on the Deloitte list of richest clubs in the world. Guess that means Randy Lerner is doing something right. Also strange, Blackpool's goal difference is -11, while Villa's is -15. Villa, in January, made moves to push the club up the table, while the air seems to be coming out of the Blackpool balloon. Blackpool aren't great a home, for whatever the reason. Maybe we see Michael Bradley make his Prem debut here, or at least sit angrily on the bench. ... Blackpool 1, Aston Villa 2

* Birmingham City v. Stoke City -- Novel idea: Instead of a game, put down some cardboard in the center circle, bust out the best B-Boy gear and Old School beats. Decide this one by a dance off between Nikola Zigic and Kenwyne Jones. Who would be against this? ... Birmingham City 1, Stoke City 1

* Blackburn Rovers v. Newcastle United -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) Both these teams are even on 31 points. These the definition of average teams in the 2010-11 Premier League. The thing is Blackburn is eminently forgettable, while Newcastle have been a fun rollercoaster ride. Still not sure where the Mapgies are scoring goals, but this team does seem to have a bit of "Us-against-the World" vibe, so maybe it won't matter. ... Blackburn 1, Newcastle United 2

* Sunderland v. Tottenham -- (Live, FSC, 12:30 p.m.) This is where it gets hard for Tottenham. Harry Redknapp will have one eye firmly on next week's Champions League game with AC Milan, yet he's still in a dogfight with Chelsea for fourth place in the Premier League, which ensures another European adventure. Chances are Spurs play this match without Gareth Bale, Rafael van der Vaart and Luka Modric -- the club's three best offensive players. Sunderland know how to do one thing and it's play defense. Kieran Richardson is playing like a man on fire for Sunderland, which throughout the season has found a way to get things done. ... Sunderland 1, Tottenham 0

Sunday:

* Bolton v. Everton -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Owen Coyle is rapidly becoming the Dave Duncan of the Premier League. Just as the St. Louis Cardinals pitching coach turns otherwise journeyman pitchers into capable starters, albeit in the National League, Coyle seems to have a magic touch with anyone who comes through the doors at the Reebok Stadium. Daniel Sturridge is the latest example. Even if Bolton lose some players in the summer, Coyle seems like a guy that should be around for a couple years and keep the club pointed in the right direction. As for Everton? David Moyes best hope Louis Saha is on another one of his patented "purple patches" -- and no, that's not a joke about his hair dye. When Saha gets hot, he scores goals in bunches. ... Bolton 2, Everton 1

Monday:

* Fulham v. Chelsea -- (Live, ESPN2, 3 p.m.) The mystery of why and when the Premier League plays a Monday game is beyond me. Suppose it depends on the availability of Hank Williams Jr. ... or not. Surprised Chelsea is in this match, considering the Blues play Copenhagen in the Champions League on Wednesday. I'm not a Chelsea fan, but that's patently unfair. For whatever reason I'll remember way back when Fulham beat Chelsea at Craven Cottage, back in the Papa Dioup days and it was a massive pitch invasion celebration. Is the time ripe for that again? Chelsea will still have to deal with figuring out how to utilize Fernando Torres, as well as, keeping an eye on the Champions League match, even against the Danish outsiders. Either way, who doesn't want to see Clint Dempsey throw a power elbow in the face of John Terry? When that happens, we're all winners. ... Fulham 1, Chelsea 1

Last round: 4-6
Season: 110-143

[Sorry, this week was a struggle writing. Probably could have taken the old Valentine's Day, "Love This" trope, but eh, sometimes you can't fake the magic. Apologies.]

Labels: English Premier League, Prem Picks, Soccer

Think we have some Premier League topics this week? Maybe?

Before we dive in ankle deep, let's take a second and pour a dram of St. Ides or Private Stock or Tilt or Dragon Joose or Steel Reserve or whatever your favorite malt liquor might be on the pavement. That, without question, is probably going to be the most memorable -- or at least remarkable -- Premier League weekend we're ever going to see.

And be thankful, too. This great weekend of action didn't include butchered National Anthems, borderline-insulting level jingoism, five-minute commercial breaks or an alleged sexual assualting quarterback. Or, most importantly, the auditory insult that is the Black Eyed Peas forcing me to delete every Guns 'N Roses mp3 on my hard drive.

The Premier League weekend could probably be summed up by that the eight matches contested on Saturday saw 41 goals scored. For the weekend as a whole, only three teams failed to score -- West Ham, West Brom and, yes, the Fernando Torres-infused Chelsea.

Let's see, what else?

Oh, Manchester United lost for the first time in EPL action in 10 months at (then) last-place Wolverhampton. Arsenal blew a 4-0 halftime lead and actually gained ground in the table. Kenny Dalglish is on course to become the most earnest man on the planet, while Torres sleeps on a big bed of tears ... albeit with a mattress stuffed with money.

And on top of that we found out, thanks to the powers that be at Fox Soccer Channel, who Hines Ward and Mason Crosby thought would win the Chelsea/Liverpool encounter. A possible first ballot entry into the Corporate Synergy Hall of Fame.

All-and-all, now a terrible weekend, especially if you're like me and stumbled out of bed around 10:02 a.m. on Saturday, flick on the set and saw that Arsenal was already ahead 1-0 on Newcastle inside of two minutes and wondered why you stayed out pass the witching hour Friday night, only to screw with your bodies serotonin levels for these blowouts.

The weekend was so crazy that a manager being sacked -- Roberto di Matteo at West Brom -- is about talking point No. 72.

Shame they couldn't all be like this. Even if our hearts would probably stop beating due to the stress if they did.


YNWA (Remix 2.1):

Hey, Liverpool fans, don't say Roy Hodgson never did anything for you. Call it dumb luck, call it the blind squirrel finding a nut, call it a broken clock being right twice a day, but the most maligned man on Merseyside at least did the club one favor, making a late August transfer window bid for Portuguese neck-tat aficionado Raul Meireles, who continues to be in the form of his life, punctuated by Sunday's winner at Stamford Bridge.

If you want to get more crazy and into conspiracy theories, thank Hodgson for completing Torres' total disillusionment with Merseyside, too. The club made the bold move to sell him to Chelsea -- a record transfer fee helps -- and seems to possibly, stress possibly snapped out of its multi-season malaise, even if it meant selling off its best asset in the process.

Does all the credit go to Dalglish for molding the same players into a bunch of cleansheet-keeping, heart-on-their-sleeve winners? Yes and no. His tactics against Chelsea completely flummoxed the Blues, who tried to integrate Torres' into the starting XI, while placating the ticking time bomb that is Nicholas Anelka. Liverpool held Chelsea to one, yes, one shot on target Sunday, with Lucas latched onto Anelka -- the top of Carlo Ancelotti's famed diamond -- while Didier Drogba and Torres were utter nonfactors with a rejuvenated Jamie Carragher(*) marshaling the back line.

(*) Another weird thought, perhaps missing a few months his a shoulder injury was the best thing for Carragher's career, allowing his body to recuperate after the endless grind its been on the last five or six seasons. If he can be 80-85 percent of what he was in 2006, that helps solve the Liverpool defending crunch.

Liverpool, in the waning days of Rafa Benitez or Hodgson likely find a way to wilt in the dying minutes, ahead 1-0. Sunday they stuck to their guns and had Chelsea looking stuck in one gear. If you want to say that's all due to Dalglish's grin on the touchline, be my guest.

Are Liverpool declaratively "back"? Time will tell, though in the small sample size it seems like Dalglish is finding ways to best utilize all the players in the squad. When Luis Suarez finds his comfort zone and Andy Carroll -- assuming he stays out of the police blotter -- the Reds could be a scary team to face. Teams will adjust to Dalglish's hybrid 3-4-2-1 formation as time goes, but Liverpool have the pieces -- and apparently the tactical nous -- to adjust.

Even if he doesn't care about English soccer, even Jerry Seinfeld would have to smile at the delicious irony of Torres forcing his way out from Liverpool to go to Chelsea and play in the Champions League, only for the Reds to nip the Blues for forth place. True, Liverpool are six back of fourth, with one more game played than both Chelsea and Tottenham, but now it's a possibility, however remote. I'm sure Liverpool fans prefer that "r" word, as opposed to relegation.

As for Chelsea? A little pressure on the Blues now? Never seen Petr Cech react like he did when he nearly punched Branislav Ivanovic late in the game after a near bungle.

During the Blues struggles in November and December, the one issue the team had was it was very one-dimensional, lacking a creative force in the midfield. Sunday that role was tasked to everyone's favorite punching bag, Anelka, and he failed miserably, completing 36 of 47 passes, with most of the missed ones on direct passes forward in front of goal.

In a way Anelka is both a blessing and a curse for Chelsea. As weird as it sounds, he's so universally loathed that everyone in the football world can hurl all their animosity and blame at "Le Sulk" without any impunity. Doubt, at this point in his career, he cares much that you hate his guts through the anonymity of a keyboard. So long as Anelka continues to start and Torres struggles to acclimate, you can always just lay the blame on the Frenchman.

Anelka is an easy scapegoat for Sunday's game, while the entire Chelsea side were miserable, right from the get-go when Obi Mikel went in with two legs on Steven Gerrard. Aside from a near cracker from Michael Essien, the Blues never looked likely to score. The loss also likely ends any distant hopes of Chelsea creeping up on Manchester United. End might not be the right word, but if Chelsea were able to sneak within seven points, you'd have to count them as outsiders for the title. Now the focus returns to Roman Abramovich's Holy Grail -- the Champions League, which returns next week.

The problem, of course, is Anelka is a noted backroom problem. Will he abide matches on the bench if Ancelotti experiments or tinkers?

Not to re-hash the tiresome baseball vs. soccer statistical/metrics argument, but Chelsea adding Torres and dropping him next to another great player (Drogba) doesn't necessarily mean success. Admittedly, it's one match. They will have their moments, but it's not like a baseball team signing a great right fielder (statically) and playing him next to a great center fielder.

In short, perfect, as-good-as-it-gets for a non-title type match for Liverpool, while gale force winds that were puffing up the Chelsea sails died down a bit.


(Credit photoshop to @aimorris.)

Call the Wolf:

To use the oft-repeated line from airplane, "Looks like Manchester United picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue."

A flat-out turd in the punchbowl performance from Sir Alex Ferguson's team against Wolves, dropping a 2-1 result for their first loss of the season.

Up 1-0 inside of seven minutes through Nani, you figure the rout was on. Guess somebody forgot to tell the United defenders they might want to consider marking George Elokobi and Kevin Doyle on set pieces. Better yet, tell gently remind them it's not such a wise decision to have your backs to goal in that spot.

From there United were completely devoid of any ideas to get back into the match, with Rafael apparently given all day on the ball to do something. He finished with 16 incomplete passes out of 47. If someone chart his successful dribbles his statistical day would be even worse.

Wayne Rooney? Invisible, eventually drifting into a wide position. Dimitar Berbatov? Did he play? Guess when it comes to the Bulgarian you take the five-goal outbursts along with the no-shows.

If you're United, you call it a hiccup and move on to next week's derby with Manchester City at Old Trafford. For neutrals, it was a good loss, since United up seven points in the table would take a lot of drama out of the race. Four ahead of Arsenal keeps the week-to-week aspect of the chase intact.

A moment's credit to Wolves. Mick McCarthy's team now has wins over Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City and Liverpool to its name, yet was last in the table until Saturday's win. For anyone that what's to pump up the P.R. sails of the Prem, point to Wolves against the big teams and boast how it assures that the EPL is the best in the world.

This isn't a pretty team, or one that's fun to watch. They do play hard, clog passing lanes and seem to give a rats ass most matches. If they die in the Premier League this year, it'll be bravely.

Four Score!:

It's probably a good thing my dream of having Gus Johnson calling a Premier League -- or any soccer game for that matter -- has never happened. If Johnson were behind the mic for the surreal, incredible, legendary Newcastle four-goal comeback to draw Arsenal 4-4 he would likely have pulled a Mick Shrimpton and spontaneously combusted at St. James Park.

The actual irony here was that the announcers on the EPL feed kept talking all game in cliches about how the Geordie faithful, "never give up on their team," etc. It was laughable, until it actually came true.

When a game is that out-and-out batshit insane, what is there even to say?

The natural inclination is to criticize Arsenal for coughing up a four goal lead over 22 minutes. That's likely true, though up 4-0 what team isn't going to let up just a little bit? That said, utterly crumbling, without showing any nerves is inexcusable. Everyone will point to this team's lack of a leader and it's hard to argue that point after a match like this. You could second-guess taking off Theo Walcott, too, but that's not an unreasonable move with a four-goal lead.

What transpired at St. James was every Arsenal fan's worst nightmare coming home to roost. The fact it was triggered by Joey Barton and his "shit-ler" mustache, pushed what was an epic meltdown into the dreaded seventh layer of Dante's Inferno. Barton not only converted two penalties -- one of the two-step cheeky variety -- but was also in the thick of the incident which saw Abou Diaby sent off.

The shoddy defending is one thing. The fact two goals came on penalties -- one quite disputable -- is minimizing. The stunning, dipping volley by Chieck Tiote to make it 4-4? Even Arsene Wenger would have to tip his beret to the quality of the finish. It never should've happened, but Wenger had to be impressed, or cursing himself why Alex Song or Denilson or Diaby never come close to pulling anything like that off. (Tomas Rosicky, meanwhile, ought to be offloaded in July simply for his display Saturday.)

If I'm an Arsenal fan, what pisses me off the most is once again, when the going got tough, nobody stood up to take charge. Instead it was a lot of raised arms and bowed heads. It was almost like the old movie trope of a character screaming, "Noooooooooooooooo" as something bad is about to happen, but powerless to stop it, like Sarah Connor on the about-to-be-nuked playground in "Terminator 2."

In this case, it was Wenger's melting skeleton left clutching up against the chain link fence.

Once again, too, the tendency in this scenario is to mock, scorn and breakdown what went wrong with the team who coughed up the four-goal lead, not praise the comeback.

The thing is, what more can you say about Newcastle than it was damned impressive. People that want to tell you every sporting event can be chalked up to numbers, statistics, metrics or whatever, hate the idea of "heart" or especially "chance/luck." True, this match is that 0.00001 percent outlier, but it also explains why you can't discount heart and human emotion when it comes to sports.

Double that with the fact Arsenal ended Saturday gaining ground on United.

In the words of New York Yankees radio play-by-play windbag John Sterling, "who can figure this crazy game out?"

Niko and the North London Underground:

Tottenham 2, Bolton 1.

In essence another typical Spurs' performance since Harry Redknapp took over.

* Two penalties awarded to Spurs inside of seven minutes.
* A bizarre referee's decision, judging there was encroachment on the second Rafael van der Vaart penalty, forcing a retake ... which he naturally missed.
* Up 1-0 instead of 2-0, Spurs proceed to miss chance-after-chance.
* Side note on Jermain Defoe, to crib David Brent, "not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb."
* Bolton capitalize on a trademark Gomes blunder on Daniel Sturridge's effort.
* Finally an extra-time screaming winner from Niko Kranjcar.

Just how Redknapp draws it up -- in crayon probably -- in the pregame tactics talk.

Must (Not) See TV:

Considering the alternative was another 500 ProActiv ads, you've got to give Fox Soccer Channel credit for trying something different with a one-hour pregame show before Chelsea/Liverpool, using the NFL on Fox studio, sadly, Frank Caliendo didn't come out doing an impression of Arsene Wenger. Sigh. Maybe they can book "Special1 TV" next time.

On the plus side of the ledger, the show appeared to be produced by people who actually might have college degrees in television production. Not sure why FSC seems insistent on having a "studio audience" made up of Chelsea and Liverpool fans, but so be it.

The show was a mix of, well, segments you might have seen circa 1982. Some basic, primitive analysis from Warren Barton, Kyle Martino and Keith Costigan, interspliced with Eric Wynalda trying to beat the USC kicker in a field goal competition and Temryss Lane's taped piece -- prior to being grouped by the Scousers in the audience -- teaching us what blood sausage is. Fun.

All-and-all the show would've gotten a pass, but FOX couldn't resist corporate synergy and sent FSC reporter Mark Rogandino to Super Bowl media day in Dallas. The results might have been the worst three minutes of sports television not involving Emmitt Smith or Colin Cowherd in the last 10 years. Rogandino had the thankless job of asking the Packers and Steelers who they thought would win the Chelsea/Liverpool match.

Horrible. Just horrible.

Think it's worth FSC trying this sort of thing again, but they still have trouble figuring out that their audience wouldn't mind some hardcore soccer talk -- or at least proper facts since Liverpool wasn't playing 4-4-2 Sunday as they deduced -- as opposed to treacly fluff segments. Face facts, there isn't a ton of overlap between EPL fans and people who watch the fourth hour of "The Today Show" and that's part of the reason we enjoy it.

Around the League:

Overshadowed on Saturday was Everton's 5-3 thriller over Blackpool, featuring a hat trick by Louis Saha and a dirty shirt by Charlie Adam in a match played in as driving a rain as you'll ever see. Very solid win for the Toffees, who needed three points badly. ... Jermaine Jones earned another yellow card for Blackburn in their lost to Wigan. Hooray? ... Another goal for Clint Dempsey, this one earning Fulham a 2-2 draw at Aston Villa. Suppose the biggest compliment you can give Dempsey is that when he scores it's not even that big of a deal anymore. He's got nine and is clearly Fulham's MVP. Kyle Walker scored for Aston Villa, extending Eric Lichaj's trip to Gerard Houiller's gulag another couple weeks. ... Manchester City won an true yawner, 3-0, over West Brom, ending the di Matteo era. Weird move by the club, must be more going on than meets the eye. ... More on this later, but it seems the relegation fight is six teams -- Blackpool, Birmingham City, West Brom, West Ham, Wigan and Wolves -- for three spots.

You're a Winner and a Loser of the Week:

Take a bow John Paintsil. Three own goals this season, tying you with the league record. One more and it's all yours, buddy!

Fantasy Team O' the Week:

Jon Swenson's trick play put up an even 100 points behind 34 from captaining Tevez, 12 from Robin van Persie and a whopping 19 from Robert Huth.

One Other Thing:

Best part about Wolves' beating Manchester United?

We got to hear strains of "Tom Hark" twice ... which actually got me in consideration for the Guinness Book of World Records for most times watching a single YouTube clip in an hour -- 307.


Give me one good reason why an MLS franchise hasn't adopted this song for goals? This is the sonic equivalent of Chuck Norris' beard. Scientists in a underground lab in Switzerland played this on a loop for test mice and those mice were then able to factor Pi for some 213,011 places afterwards.

Sort it out.

Labels: Arsenal, Chelsea, English Premier League, EPL, Liverpool, newcastle united, tottenham hotspur