That's On Point: The Web Site

... In which we come to bury John Terry and wonder if Robin van Persie wore Charlie Kelly's old Nazi officer outfit on Halloween.

Singing the Blues:

John Terry will be 31 in December. I'll be the same age in November. Somehow it feels like Terry is double, maybe triple my age. Guess years of sleeping with teammates wives/girlfriends, having a terrible haircut, drinking, racial abuse and being a general scumbag will do that do you.
Thirty-one isn't old -- or that's what I keep telling myself -- but Terry, sheesh, he's on like Rolling Stones, smoking meth, hepatitis C time.

At least for ol' Mr. Lionheart there was a girl, no older than 13, at Stamford Bridge with a homemade sign reading, "John Terry: Leader, Lion, Legend," or something to that effect. Not sure why anyone would take the time to craft should a sign considering if you waited outside the grounds of Terry to autograph it, he'd probably rather spit on it than take the 1.3 seconds to scribble his name on it.

Long story short, Terry is such a jerk he's one of the rare cases in sports where you feel good when he fails.

Terry's odious off-field persona was challenging enough. Now on the field, he's almost sad to watch. Not that I felt any sympathy for him after he fell over allowing Robin van Persie to stroll in for an easy goal in the second half of Arsenal's surreal 5-3 win over Cheslea at Stamford Bridge. (Granted, it was an AWFUL pass by Flourent Malouda that triggered the chain of events.)

It's hard to believe shambles Chelsea's once-proud defense currently sits. Terry looks old, slow and prone to controversy. Petr Cech seems to be regressing back too his Euro 2008 form, which is scary to anyone waving the Blue Flag. Branislav Ivanovic only looks useful via headers on set pieces. Jose Bosingwa doesn't really want to defend from the right back spot. David Luiz, even with Andre Villas-Boas in charge, isn't a regular starter for whatever reason. (Anyone got an answer here?)

Granted, 2005 was (in sports time) ancient history, so much so that it might have been played in black-and-white (or possibly sepia tones), but for a long time Chelsea was known for its defense and its invincibility at Stamford Bridge. Don't forget, Jose Mourinho's two title winning sides were accused of being boring -- even if that's a silly argument in the first place. The team sat back, absorbed pressure, beat you up physically and hoped to launch a ball that Arjen Robben or Damien Duff could make something happen on the flanks, or work something with Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba. (Carlo Ancelotti's title-winners weren't exactly free-flowing attack-first either, were they?)

And that seems to be the Catch-22 scenario for Chelsea in the eyes of owner Roman Abramovich. Every time the camera flashes to the Russian billionaire it has the air of a detached Roman emperor inside his dais at the Coliseum. Winning is nice, yeah, but it needs to come with panache. With the Blues playing a high defensive line and outside backs who just want to attack, things like what transpired Saturday vs. Arsenal can happen.

Can every team expose Chelsea like the Gunners? No.

Chelsea have only kept one clean sheet -- opening day at Stoke. Aside from a 3-1 loss to Manchester United, Saturday's game was the only time the Blues had given up more than one goal.

Still, however you slice it, things at Stamford Bridge are a far cry from the days of pre-head gear Cech, Terry, William Gallas. Ricardo Carvalho and Claude Makelele sitting in front of them.

It's a different Chelsea, but even in spite of Saturday it doesn't mean the team is any less dangerous ... just not a team, as it transitions and tries to carve yet another new identity, which can probably win a League title this season.

Some sort of Dutch Oven pun:

Couple things to address via Arsenal's side of things.

1. Did Robin van Persie channel his inner 1930s fascist with a goal salute? The Dutchman certainly did make, let's say, an eye-opening salute that looked like something from the Paulo Di Canio playbook.

All I'll say, in van Persie's defense, now granted this isn't exactly a great logic and might be something Terry would use to deflect a criticism, but he did grow up in a multi-ethnic area in Rotterdam, playing soccer in these "cages" with the children of immigrants. Secondly, he's married to a Moroccan woman and has a son named Shaqueel.

So if anything, van Perise is like a lot of professional soccer players -- an idiot with bad judgement.

2. Again, not to toot my own horn since I'm mostly wrong about stuff, but back in August my thought on Arsenal was that van Persie had it in him to carry the club with his goals. He's at something like 27 goals in 27 EPL games in 2011, which is impressive however you slice it.

Gunners fans, though, must worry if another inspirational performance is paving the way for the club captain to leave in the mold of Cesc Fabregas.

It's helped that Gervinho has readily adapted to English soccer and Aaron Ramsey is on the brink of a major breakthrough. (I'll hold off on the Theo Walcott love-fest. Yes, he played well on Saturday, but at this point in his career -- regardless of how young he still is -- shouldn't stuff like that be expected, instead of acting like it's a total surprise when he actually contributes?)

Arsenal's defense, let's remember, still gave up three goals and 99 times out of 100, when you do that on the road you lose.

As long as van Persie stays healthy -- he's probably due for at least one injury-free season, right? -- Arsenal will be a dangerous team, albeit one with major flaws. Van Persie is simply that good, good enough to turn the slightest opening or misstep into a goal.

Lucky Seven:

If Arsenal is, indeed, "back" and if Newcastle United is for "real," then we can say there's a pretty serious separation from the top seven clubs and the rest of the league. Logic would say the Magpies won't be able to stick around in the penthouse all year, so it should be an fun four-way dance between Arsenal, Chelsea, Tottenham and Liverpool for the final two Champions League spots.

A quick word on Tottenham, which beat QPR 3-1 in the lone game on Sunday.

Last year I postulated that Charlie Adam would be an excellent fit for the Spurs midfield, since he's a consistent week-in, week-out presence ... even with his oft erratic passing. Tottenham's high-wire act (which was surprisingly weak offensively in the second half of last season) needed a calming presence.

Instead of Adam, they got the anti-Adam in Scott Parker, in the fact Parker wears a collar, seems polite and might have good table manners. Parkers has seamlessly meshed with Luka Mordic in the middle, doing a little bit of everything, allowing Rafeal van der Vaart to do his "Dutch" things, in essence Parker quickly became the rug in the Dude's room tying everything together.

Although Parker seems altogether too polite and cultured to smoke weed and listen to Creedence tapes. (Thus completes by bi-annual Lebowski reference quota.)

Also, (sssh) Boom, Boom, lemme hear you say Bale, Baaaaaaaaale.

Around the League:

Turns out, if only for a week, Andy Carroll and Luis Suarez can play together for Liverpool. Against recent form, the Reds scored twice in the first half at West Brom and didn't cough it up. An early penalty drawn by Suarez and converted by Charlie Adam made sure of that. Roy Hodgson didn't rub his face, thereby greatly disappointing me. Jerk. ... Norwich City and Blackburn are the only two clubs without a clean sheet, so no surprise their game ended 3-3. Blackburn will be mad for giving up a deflected goal and a penalty in the final 10 minutes. ... Tried watching Aston Villa and Sunderland. It ended 2-2 at the Stadium of Light. Both these teams are just so grim, nothing seems to come easy for them. It's all such a grind. All the shaved heads on Villa maybe just make it feel that way. Sunderland did get a goal from alleged wunderkind Connor Wickham, though. ... Not usual to dump Manchester United into the "notes" section, but considering the game was played super early Saturday morning for (I think) an Internet-only audience, we'll leave it at that. Chicharito scored a vintage Chicharito goal -- letting it hit him in the foot -- and David de Gea made a few nice saves as Everton as hit the post. ... Manchester City took care of Wolves in the second half as Wayne Hennessey gifted Edin Dzeko a goal. Vincent Kompany did get sent off. ... Clint Dempsey scored a really easy goal in Fulham's 2-0 win at Wigan, that Wigan almost turned into a 1-1 draw with a nice second half assault. Post saved Fulham, allowing Moussa Dembele to score the clincher.

Question of the Week:

Twitter user Chiperskee, asked me if Bolton being relegated would be good for Stuart Holden? In short, no. For one, Holden is probably going to end up missing somewhere in the range of 12-15 months. If Bolton does get relegated, does it keep Owen Coyle, who basically personally recruited Holden to England? And would a team take a chance on a guy -- as good as he was in 2010-11 -- is coming off such a long time on the sidelines?

(Want to toss in that Swansea is looking pretty spry. Leon Britton completed something like 75+ passes without a mistake vs. Bolton. There's something fresh with the Swans, compared to the staleness that's set-in across the bottom clubs in the league, a la Bolton, Wigan, etc.)

Fantasy Team O' the Week:

Paul McCabe's "McCabe's Pride" put up 85 points, even with two players contributing zeros. Van Persie, van der Vaart, Juan Mata, Luis Enrique and Luis Suarez were the big points guys here.

One Other Thing:

This might be Internet heresy, but Serie A isn't such a dirty word anymore. Maybe a lot of people at home in America like to handwave the offerings from Italy on Fox Soccer, but you're selling yourself short. Yeah, yeah, yeah there was the weekend when the 20 clubs combined for about three goals, but hear me out.

This year six clubs are within five points of first, with Juventus, Udinese (Antonio di Natale always worth watching), Lazio and AC Milan all two points apart. Don't forget about a fun Napoli team as well as an intriguing Roma team if it ever figures out how to use all its parts, plus Inter Milan, languishing in 17th, still have Maicon and Wesley Sneijder.

More than that, with Juventus' new home arena, there's actually some sold-out, loud atmosphere at games. The players might be aging, but it's not as bad as people would have you believe. True, some of also ran teams like Lecce or Siena are imminently forgettable, but so be it.

If all else fails, where are you going to see saucy female fans ripping cigarettes at halftime?

Ask yourself this too, would you diss Serie A to Michael Bradley's face?

Song/Video of the Week:

This one has really grown on me lately.

Labels: Arsenal, Chelsea, English Premier League, EPL, john terry, robin van persie, Soccer, tottenham

Who doesn't love a good holiday-themed gimmick column?

So without the usual hemming and hawing, my quick guide to Premier League Halloween costumes, because, let's be honest tossing on an old jersey and saying you're a "soccer player" is, a little lame. You have to truly embrace it and throw yourself into the role. (And probably what I'll be doing this Halloween, assuming my Dave Hester, "Yuuup" hat doesn't arrive in time.)

Robin van Persie: Arsenal track jacket. Daper Dan hair pomade. Crutches.

Andy Carroll: Don't shave, hair in a ponytail, reek of stale Carlsberg lager. Practice sitting on the bench and staring longingly at your Uruguayan best friend.

Wayne Rooney: Easy, Shrek mask (draw your own hair plugs.) Manchester United kit. Next!

Charlie Adam: "Billy Bob" teeth. Tight shirt. Bad forearm tattoo. Do everything erratically. Hurt anyone dressed up like Gareth Bale.

Luis Suarez: Wear one of those high Dracula-style collars. Vampire teeth. Prepare to roll around on the ground and immediately do something amazing afterward.

Rafael van der Vaart: Don't shave. Wear an expensive man scarf. Essentially you're the walking version of the popular party game: "European or Hipster." Helps if you have a gorgeous girlfriend of wife.

Didier Drogba: Not so much a costume, but if you're at a party, keep elbowing your way past other guests. If anyone calls you out on it, bulge out your eyes, shrug and act incredulous.

Joey Barton: Get a Morrisey style haircut, wear tight jeans and a jacket with epaulets. Be careful with the facial hair or you might get mistaken for Adolf Hitler.

Maroune Feliani: Afro wig. Blue shirt. (Warning, you will draw a red card for this costume, however.)

Andre Villas-Boas: Whatever a Rick Astley costume would look like, maybe a little more chin stubble. Could go either way.

Gareth Bale: Eh, the Welshman doesn't drink, so he probably doesn't attend Halloween parties. Just stay home and watch "iCarly" or something and eat apples the other kids got trick-or-treating.

Carlos Tevez: Freddy Kruger mask + black "hippie" wig. (Note: when friends ask you to go trick-or-treating or out to a party, refuse.)

Nemanja Vidic: Dress up like an ogre. Never smile. Only communicate via grunts.

Fernando Torres: Put a sheet over your head and walk around like a ghost. (Get it, he's been nearly invisible for Chelsea?!? Boom. Roasted.)

Gervinho: Go to a bowling alley, stick your head in the ball shiner machine to make that forehead sparkle. Maybe throw on a wristband.

Ryan Giggs: Just add body hair. Also doubles a a Wolfman costume on the cheap. (Lon Cheney version, natch.)

Luka Modric: "Scream" mask.

Ashley Cole: Wear tight pants. Act like a douche. (Only works if, again, you have a blindingly attractive wife or girlfriend.)

David Silva: Mainline heroin (or meth maybe) for two weeks, tape or glue a soccer ball to your feet.

John Terry: Buy a Flobee or head to SuperCuts. Ask for the worst haircut possible. Racially abuse somebody. Be able to cry on command.

Nani: Jherri Curl your hair. Buy a replica Michael Jackson "Thriller" jacket. Attempt to do backflips.

Mario Balotelli: Go to the most trendy hairstyle place in town. Ask the person who looks like they've been a contestant on a Bravo reality competition to, "Go wild." Oh, you can probably wear whatever you want, assuming it comes from a gallery in Milan or jeans that cost $1,000. Never smile. Fireworks, optional.

Dirk Kuyt: Oh come on, you guys, this is too easy.


Saturday:

* Everton v. Manchester United -- (Live, no idea which channel ESPN Deportes?, 7 a.m.) Never understand the Premier League tinkering with the television times, seemingly at random. Say what you will about the NFL but at least you know this, games on Sunday at 1, 4 and 8:30 and the Monday nighter. Why this game is on so early, on a random channel and what not is frustrating.

Not as frustrating as it has to be for David Moyes, who's Toffees played a 120 Carling Cup match with Chelsea on Wednesday and then have a super quick turnaround to play a wounded, angry Manchester United side, which everyone is poking holes at for allowing 54 shots on goal -- second highest total in the EPL. Everton is also without its newest hero -- Royston Drenthe.

Everton does seem, lately, to play United very tough. Tough enough to nick a point at Goodison Park? Seems like a game the Tofs miss Mikel Arteta in the midfield, because the Jack Rodwells of the world play right into the hands of Sir Alex's mishmash in the center of the field. Think it seems time for Wayne Rooney to burn his old club again. ... Everton 0, Manchester United 2

* Chelsea v. Arsenal -- (Live, ESPN2, 7:45 a.m.) Maybe it's because I've been playing way too much FIFA Ultimate Team, but isn't it a little weird that there aren't a ton of Brazilian players in the Premier League, considering the country's top export seems to be soccer players. Dial up some random, obscure Eastern European club that's in the Europa League and you'll find a handful of Brazilians in the mix. Outside the top five, six clubs it seems the bulk of the EPL clubs are eschewing Brazilian imports for whatever the reason.

Chelsea, and to a lesser extent Arsenal under Arsene Wenger, have bucked that trend. Some of the Blues most important players -- David Luiz, Alex and Ramires -- all hail from the country. Not sure why I found this interesting, but I did.

This game is worthwhile since we'll see if Arsenal's recent form (7-out-8 wins in all competitions) is for real. Can Robin van Persie quick up his torrid form against one of the league's best? Chelsea aren't as defensively stalwart as years past (zero League cleansheets), the Blues -- last year's hiccup at QPR notwithstanding -- seem to be rounding into form where they aren't reliant on one single player for goals. ... Chelsea 2, Arsenal 1

* Swansea City v. Bolton -- Straightforward, but if the Swans want to stick around the Premier League, they need to bank three points in games like this. Wonder if Bolton already bottomed out and is back to midtable-worthy form? ... Swansea 1, Bolton 1

* Wigan v. Fulham -- Nobody is surprised Wigan is flirting with the bottom, right? Six goals scored in nine games will do that to you. Fulham, meanwhile, is just ... eh. Can they get a redo on the start of the season? I'm starting to wonder, if he stays at the club and to help fit its needs, does Clint Dempsey move/evolve into more of a central player in the middle of the field? Throwing it out there. ... Wigan 1, Fulham 1

* Sunderland v. Aston Villa -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) These have to be the two most frustrated sets of fans in the Premier League. Both teams want to make a move up the table, to push for bigger and better things, yet they both seem stalled in that gray zone, where unfortunately the only excitement comes from flirting with relegation. Sunderland, if it ever finds the right combinations, could be a fairly explosive side. Aston Villa? ... Sunderland 2, Aston Villa 1

* Manchester City v. Wolves -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) The 2010 version of Manchester City might have stumbled here. Until we get evidence otherwise... ... Manchester City 3, Wolves 0

* Norwich City v. Blackburn Rovers -- Even without what you'd consider a marquee striker, Norwich has scored in all but two games -- one at Old Trafford when it could of had three. Norwich might not have the 'wow factor,' but the Canaries seem solid in most areas. Blackburn? Steve Kean's job seems safe for the minute after a Carling Cup win. Still don't see this team every putting together a consistent effort in consecutive weeks or games. ... Norwich City 2, Blackburn 0

* West Bromwich Albion v. Liverpool -- (Live, FSC, 12:30 p.m.) Let's just hope for a Roy Hodgson face rub. He might need one with Shane Long on the sideline after an Alan Hutton tackle last week. ... West Brom 1, Liverpool 2

Sunday

* Tottenham v. QPR -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Somehow, with all its defenders getting hurt, Spurs keep on winning. QPR should be riding high after last week vs. Chelsea. Maybe Giovani dos Santos can take heed in Adel Taraabt. If he ever gets away from Harry, maybe he can make something of himself. ... Tottenham 1, QPR 0

Monday:

* Stoke City v. Newcastle United -- (Live in Jim Rome's basement.) Battle of teams trying to prove they're better than the rest of the pack. Does Newcastle's unbeaten start end at Fortness Britannia? ... Stoke City 1, Newcastle United 1

Last round: 2-8 (first outright clunker, including going dyslexic on my Spurs/Blackburn pick last week.)
Season: 48-41

Labels: EPL, EPL picks, Soccer

Contrary to popular belief, your humble little soccer blogger here, sort of has a life. Sort of. Or at least as much of a life anyone who attempts to assemble sentences together on the Internet about soccer actually can have.

Hey, living is a lot easier when you know your own limitations.

That's my roundabout way of saying that one of the few things that might be considered "a life" is playing softball with my friends, which extends into the falls on Sunday mornings. Thusly, instead of watching the historic, sure to be talked about for weeks Manchester City 6, Manchester United 1 result from my couch and tweeting away in my sweatpants, I was rolling around in the dirt like an idiot.

Actually, driving to the game I did catch about 25 minutes of the Manchester derby on satellite radio via the United broadcast, which the word "we" was uttered about 200 minutes in that span. It culminated with Mario Balotelli(*) scoring his first goal of the day to break the deadlock. It was described as so: " ... gets the ball to Balotelli, he turns, shoots, scores." Even Joe Buck would shake his head at the flat, emotionless, matter-of-fact tone.

(*) My friend Mike and I have a pretty good text summation -- "You can't make it up" -- for the surreal aspects of sports. Everything and anything Mario Balotelli falls under that heading. You could literally tell me anything about the guy and it might be possible in light of him lighting his house on fire after setting off fireworks in the bathroom. Balotelli bought a white Tiger and walked it down the street on a leash wearing nothing but a mesh shirt? Sure, why not? He and Alex Rodriguez ought to spend some time together and see who can pull off the crazier tabloid scenario. That said, that's about 5-in-5 goals for Balotelli. When you're this good you get to be batshit insane, which doesn't seem to be an act. Or is it?

In between softball games -- yeah, doubleheader it's as awesome as it sounds especially on like four hours sleep -- I checked my phone to see the score: Manchester United 1, Manchester City 3. This was roughly the 80th minute. Eye-opening, indeed, but not all that crazy.

Following our walk-off victory, whipping out my phone immediately (**) I started doing a retroactive scan through Twitter, which was sort of like one of those time-lapse nature videos mixed with an episode of "The First 48."

(**) Boy do I paint a flattering picture of myself. What are you guys thinking? Douche? Tool? Loser? Pale-faced loser? (Is the self-deprecating act running thin?)

Without watching the game live, it was perhaps the next best thing.

There was pure adulation and mockery from Manchester United-haters, which grew and grew and grew some more after every tack-on goal.

Resigned designation from United-lovers.

Maybe most telling was the shock and awe by journalists from across the globe who were all left speechless by City's utter domination at Old Trafford. Rarely do you see people as jaded as your typical English football writer unable to contextualize anything.

There's a tendency to blow a result like this out of proportion. It's a kneejerk society, we live in, right? Suddenly Manchester United's 7-2 whipping of Arsenal seems like it never happened. That there are serious questions in Sir Alex Ferguson's midfield. You know the rest. Meanwhile, City is now the premier team in England and about to enter a new era of Gallagher Brother-approved Sky Blue dominance.

Overreacting to United's play might be a little foolish, considering this team did win the EPL last season and played in a Champions League final. For one, Jonny Evans will be on the slow boat to Sunderland pretty soon. Not sure what Sir Alex sees in him after mistake-after-mistake ... after mistake. (Maybe Stuart Holden's shattered leg released as gypsy curse.)

Still, as I postulated on Friday, aside from the Nemanja Vidic/Rio Ferdinand combo (when healthy) and maybe Wayne Rooney when he's on his day, where on the field is United appreciably better than City from a talent standpoint? Throw out the history, the Sir Alex mystique, stoppage time at Old Trafford, the plucky youngster Own Goal and City is just a better group of talent at the moment. Just look how much better a player like James Milner -- not even an automatic starter for City -- is than say a Darren Fletcher for United.

On the opposite side of things, the standard reaction to City's performance is to use the word "statement." As cliched as that response is, hard to term any other way, especially when Ferguson himself was essentially at a loss for words, calling it his "worst day ever" at the club.

It's safe to say the image of City from two seasons ago -- losing the do-or-die Champions League "playoff" with Tottenham -- is a thing of the past. That was probably gone with City winning the FA Cup last May. Maybe the FA Cup doesn't mean much any more to anyone, but it was a win for City and broke their schneid. This group got that taste of winning, which is maybe why what could have been a massive circus sideshow distraction -- the Carlos Tevez nonsense -- hasn't seen the club miss a beat on the field.

And this might be simplistic, but City has bought a lot of good players. The intention was to win a title, so what Roberto Mancini's team is doing isn't all that surprising. When you have solid defending down the middle of the field, a couple velvety playmakers in David Silva and Samir Nasri with finishers like Balotelli, Kun Aguero and Edin Dzeko, you should win games, especially with the depth. The team has size, strength and most importantly a lot of skill, so we can officially retire the best team from 1998 Serie A jokes that City forced everyone to make at stretches last year.

In a lot of ways, reading the coverage of these games from England its a lot like college football. The media and fans are used to United owning everything and City being an afterthought, much like an upstart like Boise State doesn't have the traditions of other NCAA powers, therefore won't be afforded the chance to ever play for a national title. Fortunately for City, they can let their play do the talking, not pollsters and computers.

Sure it might all be aided by oil money from the Middle East for reasons nobody is even really sure about, but if United gets absolutely steamrolled at Old Trafford, who is going to slow down City? The gap from first to second is only five points, but it sure feels more like 50 after yesterday.

Winners, Losers: Aside from Manchester City the only Premier League yet to lose? Yep, Newcastle United which scrapped to a 1-0 win vs. Wigan on Saturday behind a Yohan Cabaye goal. The Mapgies are working Hatem Ben Arfa back into the lineup, so the team could get even better. ... Speaking of losers, who hasn't had enough from John Terry? Maybe he slurred Anton Ferndinand, maybe he didn't. He's firmly atop the unlikeable lists in England. Bad job by Chelsea, even down to nine men, losing to QPR. The Blues missed a chance to keep pace with City. ... Another big weekend for Tottenham, as Spurs are in fifth with a game in hand. Again, simple statement but when Rafael van der Vaart plays and is active the game, Spurs are a different team. ... Hey, hats off to Arsenal, even with four losses the Gunners are now up to seventh place and back in the mix for a Champion League spot. Two more goals for Robin van Persie in a win vs. Stoke, guess he's been listening to Bonnie Tyler a lot, either that or desperately wants to go to Manchester City.

More Fox Fallout: Don't ask me, why, in the middle of drinking some pitchers of beer with friends on Friday night my mind drifted back to FOX winning the 2018/22 World Cup rights. Even if the coverage is obnoxious, in-your-face, typical FOX fare (w/robots), at least the games will be television. Will it have the polish and (buzzword alert) gravitas as ESPN? Surely, no.

Who really gets screwed here is the Women's World Cup in 2015 from Canada. ESPN made this summer's tournament from Germany an event. For maybe a week, it was relevant. Hard to see FOX doing the same, simply since people don't causally watch FOX like they do ESPN at all hours of the day. It's going to get lost in the cable random sports tier abyss.

Also on the ESPN front, Swansea City at Wolves actually turned out to be a fun 2-2 draw with the hosts rallying with two goals in the last 10 minutes, for the likely small audience that tuned in. If you didn't you missed out on Swans boss Brendan Rodgers giving a live, on-air shout out to his brother Malachi in Illinois.

Around the League: The Phil Down red card to Chris Herd in the Aston Villa/West Brom match was another lowlight for Premier League officials. ... Villa, which allegedly is better defensively under Alex McLeish, couldn't mark set pieces by West Brom and lost, accordingly, 2-1. ... Really don't understand how Liverpool can look so good and dominate possession for long stretches and then drop points in an instant like it did vs. Norwich City Saturday in a 1-1 draw at Anfield. Great save in the last second by Canaries keeper, John Ruddy however. ... If it weren't for the result at Old Trafford, Fulham might have had the worst result of the weekend, losing 3-1 to Everton on a pair of goals after the 90th minute. Cottagers are in trouble. ... Oddly enough top EPL fantasy player of the week was Roysten Drenthe. Maybe teams ought to consider grabbing the Real Madrid castoffs, at least if they're of Dutch origin.

Fantasy Team O' the Week: Longtime blog reader Jared Dunn gets top honors with a healthy 75 points thanks to Cabaye, van der Vaart, Silv and Aguero.

One Other Thing: Small sample size, but if you wear a Marty McFly-approved vest people look at you differently -- not necessarily in a good way, either.

One More Other Thing: Thanks mainly to my probable favorite song of 2011 -- M83's "Midnight City" -- I simply can't get enough saxophone solos.

This 1985 Glen Frey jam is very appropriate for today, so enjoy it!

Labels: EPL, manchester city, manchester United, Monday recaps, Soccer

"I pity the fool that messes with T." -- Conan O'Brien

Chances are, if you're reading this blog, you know who Conan O'Brien is. What you probably don't know that in college I was dubbed with the nickname "Conan" by dorm-mates for my likeness to the pale-faced, ginger-haired(*) late-night host.

Yeah, Conan might not have the looks of a ladykiller, but at the time circa 2000 he was pretty damn funny. Since there wasn't YouTube, yet, you'd actually have to watch his show every night on NBC to watch classics like Conan and Mr. T picking apples or the greatest late-night sketch ever, "Old Timey Base Ball." As has been written -- at length -- there was a weird, underdog charm to Conan's late night show. Not all the jokes worked. Maybe it was weird for the sake of being weird. There were only so many times you could watch Conan's mock flop sweat in the presence of a Hollywood starlet.

Of course, where else on television could you see a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwartznegger's face making lewd -- insane -- comments, or the entire "Walker: Texas Ranger" lever. You, could, if you were an unemployed liberal arts major probably write a couple thousand words that in the long run, the humor spawned from "Late Night" was done more to hurt comedy ten, 15 years after the fact then push it forward, but that's an argument for another day.

Let's forward a couple years and Conan a) failed as "Tonight Show" host and b) plugs on in total irrelevance with his show on TBS.(**)

(*) If you're scoring at home, my hair is more "auburn" or "chestnut" hue.
(**) Really, is anyone under the age of 55 really watching talk shows any more at night? Isn't the format beyond dated? Then again, where else are we going to get to see Ben Stiller plug clips of the upcoming (sure to be delightful) "Tower Heist" movie?

In a weird way, one of my other favorite late night -- or any time -- television guilty pleasures seems to be heading into the Conan on the "Tonight Show" direction. My formerly beloved Fox Soccer Channel, err, Fox Soccer.

Now, bear in mind, complaining on the Internet about the decline of a 24-hour (more like 20) soccer cable channel in America could rival the most obnoxious things of all time. Even the Freegan with three-foot dreads at the nearest "Occupy" wherever is rolling his eyes behind his MacBook Pro at me.

It's just ... it's just ... if you went back about five years I'd never in a million years think I'd be using this digital space to trash FSC. It wasn't simply that the network aired live soccer games -- plus review shows, magazine shows, highlights ... even soccer soap opera's (remember 'Dream Team?) and call-in shows (Fox ... Football FONE IN!) -- there was something decidedly refreshing about the way FSC did things. It wasn't the self-perpetuating hype machine like ESPN, nor was it over-the-top aggressively aggro (for lack of a better word) like other FOX sports entities.

Looking back, that charm was probably just another word that starts with the letter C -- cheapness.

As Fox Sports World transitioned to Fox Soccer Channel there was a nice, do-it-yourself vibe to the show. Anyone else remember when Clint Mathis returned to MLS and showed up on the phone-in show (whatever it was named at the time). All that was missing was Wayne and Garth. To that, "Fox Soccer Report" -- never change what you're doing in Manitoba. It's still taken me years to adjust to the non-bespectacled Bobby McMahon. Let us nerds at least have that as a bastion of hype-free, ESPN sports television insanity.

There wasn't the schlock. The noise-to-make-noise that annoys anyone with a brain about ESPN. If you were a fan of soccer, you got soccer. Nothing more, and sometimes a little less.

Slowly Fox Soccer has tried to increase it's production values, or add a studio show before the Saturday morning EPL kickoffs. We've gotten graphic improvements. More "tv stuff," so that when a Champions League final shows up on FOX or a replayed EPL game it doesn't look like it's produced by a high school AV Club. (***) If anything, now the studio stuff produced out of Los Angeles by Fox Soccer seems, oh, generic?

(***) From the 1970s, because there are teenagers today that can cut film and edit like pros. The kid that made this insanely good Stanley Kubrick montage is 20.

Generic might be too kind. The production is still below the quality we've come to expect from ESPN, especially on it's non-Papa LeBatard interrupted EPL games. Even if the increases are better than the scrappy old days at FSC, it's still somewhat amateurish compared to the rest of the sports market.

That's not so bad, though, as the "FOX-ification" of the network now. There seems to be more attitude, more product placement more in-your-face stuff that made the old days of FSC such a welcome respite. It's almost enough to miss the days of constant ProActiv Katy Perry ads instead of these screaming match promos, "THE COTTAGERS HEAD TO OLD TRAFFORD," for example.

You can't stop progress. If FOX puts more of an emphasis on soccer, expect Fox Soccer to become more-and-more generic, filled with more-and-more asinine, cliched commentary from its analysts and more sponsored segments like the rest of its sports platforms.

And -- spinning newspaper alert -- as I woke up and was ready to hit "publish" on this post, news breaks that FOX is going broadcast the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, which frankly judging by the company's track record is an outright debacle. FOX does have seven years to make us forget about the Curt Menefee Champions League Final disaster, or open up its wallet and hire somebody to replace Warren Barton.

"Let's go down to Tony Sirgusa who's on the touchline. ... Guys, lemme tell you something, I've eaten meals who are bigger than Lionel Messi."

Really, this is bad in so many ways. It effectively means ESPN stops caring about soccer -- at all -- as soon as the final whistle ends at Brazil 2014, which is a shame since the network showed it can do a great job when it tones down the self-important crap and sticks to the games like it did with the 2010 World Cup. The end of Ian Darke ... almost can't type with all the tears on the keyboard. The end of John "the coach" Harkes, decidedly less so.

With FOX's track record -- more concerned with cheap ratings ploys and sponsoring its other crappy reality shows -- this, to quote Ron Burgundy looks grim. Real grim. Hard to see them pulling themselves up to a higher plain like ESPN did last summer in South Africa, if anything, expect FOX to go even lower into the television dumpster.

God help us if they create a soccer playing robot.

Saturday:

* Wolves v. Swansea City -- (Live, ESPN2, 7:30 a.m.) The plus side about this game being the early ESPN2 is that I won't feel bad if I get trashed on Friday night, fall asleep in a dumpster and miss out. Please don't hold that against me Ian. It's not you, it's the teams who are playing. As it is, Wolves are impossible to figure out. Mick McCarthy's boys in mustard seemed spry to start the year, but have since dropped four straight games giving up 10 goals in the process. Now, with the very useful Stephen Fletcher sidelined, it's up to somebody to turn this tailspin around. Still hard to get a gauge on Swansea being able to stick around. The Swans have given up three or more goals thrice already -- all on the road. ... Wolves 2, Swansea 1

* Aston Villa v. West Bromwich Albion -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) This is sort of a derby, but not really. The teams are close to each other, but it's not like Villa/Brum or West Brom/Wolves. Then again, Villa Park seems to have the intensity of your average January NBA arena these days. Maybe Randy Lerner should have told LeBron James to stick around to watch this one. Might have been more up his alley. ... Aston Villa 1, West Brom 0

* Bolton v. Sunderland -- I'll say this about Bolton ... it's, it's ... it's a team. Owen Coyle, bless his heart, fields 11 players each and every weekend. They've got uniforms and everything. As for Sunderland, I'll quote a term used on my favorite show, "Storage Wars" and the delightful Brandi Passante -- "pooper scoopers." Steve Bruce is a pooper scooper. Maybe grabbing a couple guys off relegated teams -- David Vaughn, Craig Gardner -- and Sir Alex castoffs -- John O'Shea and Wes Brown isn't exactly the ticket to success, especially when you sell off Darren Bent and let Asamoah Gyan retire to DJ Saudi Super Sweet Sixteen parties, or whatever he decided to do. ... Bolton 1, Sunderland 1

* Newcastle United v. Wigan Athletic -- (Live, Fox Soccer, 10 a.m.) It's hard to believe that Newcastle United is boring and the standard of consistency in this league of all of a sudden. Is Alan Pardew digging through the trash of Roy Hodgson's old London-area home? We know the drill with Wigan, lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, win three games in April and May and survive the drop. Now that's boring. ... Newcastle United 3, Wigan 0

* Liverpool v. Norwich City -- (Live, Fox Soccer, 12:30 p.m.) The Reds can go on a little run here, with this match followed by trips to Stoke, West Brom and a home game with Swansea before back-to-back games with Chelsea and Manchester City. ... Liverpool 2, Norwich City 0
Sunday:

* Arsenal v. Stoke City -- (Live, FSC+, 8:30 a.m.) Posed this question on Twitter during the Champions League: Is Theo Walcott one of the most overrated players in the world? That might apply to the most of the Gunners team, which could be part of the problem. Myth vs. Reality and all that jazz. Arsenal are good at home 3-0-1, but have only scored six in those four matches. That could change if Robin van Persie is about to go on one of his over-one goal per-game run. Doubt, with Stoke tall defense, if Arsenal keep lobbing crosses like it did against Marseille that would be a very prudent idea. ... Arsenal 2, Stoke City 0

* Manchester United v. Manchester City -- (Live, FSC, 8:30 a.m.) Remember, first and foremost, ONE WORKING CLASS TOWN IS ABOUT TO ERUPT!!!!

Soup-to-nuts, Manchester City have a better, deeper squad of players than United. I'll borrow a trope from my favorite radio host -- Mike Francesa -- when callers try to compare teams rosters, ie. Yankees/Mets or Yankees/Red Sox. Of Manchester United's first choice XI, how many would automatically start for City? Rooney? Slightly over Kun Aguero? Nani over who? Granted, when healthy Nemaja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand slot over whomever starts next to Vincent Kompany.

That said, these games are rarely about players.

Last time it came down to that ridiculous Rooney bicycle kick. You could say the cliche is United just know how to win, but this is a different City team. A team that has won an FA Cup and is now ankle deep in the Champions League.

What I'm looking for is a couple things: a) Is David Silva ready to orchestrate a game at Old Trafford for 90 minutes? b) does Sir Alex clog up the midfield for 70 odd minutes and then bring on Nani and Chicharito like he did against Liverpool? c) How does the ref (XXXX) impact this one?

For whatever the reason, think City has the better of play, but United stings for a couple goals -- either in a cluster in the 30-35 minute range, or very late. ... United 2, City 1

* Fulham v. Everton -- Team America vs. Team America Jr. Weird fact for Fulham. It's only allowed three goals at Craven Cottage in four games, but only has one win to show for it. You wouldn't necessarily connect Martin Jol with defensive resolve, but there it is. Credit Jol, too, for getting positive minutes and contributions from ginger bros Steve Sidwell and John Arne Riise, but who appeared headed on the track to obscurity. Love Tim Cahill, but time for the Aussie to start producing some goals for Everton to get its groove going. ... Fulham 1, Everton 0

* Blackburn v. Tottenham -- Is there a bigger tease in England than Jermain Defoe? Ability to brilliant, yet goes eons without goals. ... Blackburn 2, Tottenham 1

* QPR v. Chelsea -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) I'd pay some good money to sit in a room with Joey Barton, a bottle of whiskey and hear his takes on Frank Lampard and John Terry. ... QPR 1, Chelsea 2

Last round: 5-5
Season: 46-33

Labels: English Premier League, EPL, EPL picks, Soccer

So ... since it was a topic rife for parody let's just dig in and have a big, fat, life-affirming laugh at LeBron James first trip to Anfield, err, Anfield Stadium. For whatever the reason LeBron, the master of the McNugget, getting the proper name of the home ground to a club he allegedly owns a percentage of made me laugh to no end.

Maybe we should be nice in Internets land and strive for a higher standard. Why tarnish LeBron? Let's be the proverbial "bigger man."

Eh, screw that. When I saw that he doesn't even bother to put a case on his iPhone -- meaning he can basically shit a new one whenever he feels like it -- I decided to embrace the digital hate.

LeBron clearly doesn't know much about soccer or the ins-and-outs of the Premier League, however he could certainly relate to his Liverpool boys blowing a lead in the final 10 minutes against Manchester United. Am I right people? See I just flew in from the coast and boy are my arms tired. And what's the deal with airplane food? Get the joke? It's a really, really easy one to make, about LeBron and choking in crunch time. (Ooh, nice hipster glasses, what's next proclaiming "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" to be your favorite album of all time?)

Probably more foreign to LeBron was the fact the home fans were cheering, singing and chanting all on their own. They didn't need piped in music to prompt them. Nor did they need to wear white t-shirts to create "atmosphere."

Long story short, could there be a more disparate set of fans than those of the Miami Heat and Liverpool?

Put it this way, doubt too many shaved head, red-faced English geezers were wearing Uggs inside Anfield (Stadium).

This probably explains LeBron's confusion over the name and everything else.

Three horse race?:

This will be brief, but it's hard to envision a scenario where Manchester City (now 1st on 22 points), Manchester United (second after dropping points to Liverpool) and Chelsea (third) don't duke it out all the way to May fighting for the title. City can assert itself next weekend when it plays United in a game the breathless, non-stop promos on Fox Soccer billed as, "a working class town is about to erupt."

Ugh. Did Warren Barton write that copy?

Throw in quality sides from Liverpool, Tottenham and a Newcastle United team that doesn't appear to be going away and this ought to be a thrilling season the rest of the way.

Oh, Arsenal, didn't forget about you guys. So nice to see you in the top half of the table, albeit it in 10th.

No marbles:

Half-surprised nobody at Anfield (Stadium) held of a circa 2001 WWF sign that read, "SAF Fears King Kenny," because Sir Alex Ferguson played as limp a United lineup as possible in massive fear of the threat posed by the Scousers, and their returning king -- Steven Gerrard.

Let's get this out of the way, Gerrard looked great -- regardless of Ryan Giggs(*) jumping out of the way on his free-kick goal -- and if that means Jordan Henderson goes back to the bench for more seasoning, so be it. It's always possible all that time on the sideline worked in favor by relieving some of the wear-and-tear on his legs.

(*) Suppose that was some random foreign player jumping out of the way of Gerrard's kick. That would have been blood in the water for the English media, eh?

Nobody would have expected Ferguson to rest Wayne Rooney, Nani and Chicharito for almost all the game, weary of the Liverpool threat and playing Phil Jones in the midfield. Is a 1-1 result at Anfield tolerable for United? Probably in the big picture, yes, especially with David de Gea posting by far his best and most assured performance for the club to date. Still, if this is the best club in England, how do you come out and play from a scared position, even at fortress Anfield (Stadium)? Puzzling.

If you're Liverpool you likely wish the team did a little more -- aside from getting Rio Ferdinand's first yellow card since Soulja Boy was popular. The Reds have a lot of brilliant players -- Luis Suarez first and foremost -- but sometimes the attack ends up less than the sum of its parts, which doesn't make a lot of sense.

From a neutral perspective it's too bad this game didn't get cracking until the final 20 minutes, especially when you're setting your alarm to get up early on a Saturday morning for it. Doubt it will be a problem this coming weekend with the ESPN2 game being Wolves v. Swansea City. Even a Ian Darke obsessive like myself will likely enjoy a few extra fall zzzzzs.

Save Da Princess:

Mario Balotelli (wait for it) scored a 'Super' goal to put Manchester City ahead 1-0 early in the first half vs. Aston Villa. (Scale of 1-to-10, this was a seven, let's not kid ourselves.) Naturally, Balotelli a player who could challenge LeBron or anyone else in the NBA for playing with that qasi-metric, "swagger," didn't really celebrate the goal and stared at the crowd. Makes sense for him. He'll probably celebrate in his own fashion -- meaning a new mohawk style haircut pattern.

At least of the two crazy City forwards, Balotelli is producing unlike Carlos Tevez.

What's scary to realize is City -- playing without David Silva (for 65 minutes), Edin Dzeko, Samir Nasri and Kun Aguero -- slipped five goals past a team which had allowed just five total in the previous seven games. It's nice that the English trio of Adam Johnson, Gareth Barry and James Milner felt needed for a change.

Pollyanna scenario:

Best to pretend Tim Howard wasn't at fault for Chelsea's second goal Saturday, coming off his line, missing the ball and allowing John Terry to nod it in and put the Blues up 2-0 on Everton right before the half. Since he's the USMNT No. 1, let's give him a pass like everybody else will, even if it was a mistake. Nothing to see here, right?

Chelsea, it was a taking care of business game, though it almost looked weird to see Didier Drogba running around out there. The sun is setting for the big guy. (Oddly enough, for all the slags against him, Frank Lampard's four goals are the best for a midfielder in the EPL.)

Also, where does Flourent Malouda end up. I'd make a sneaky play for him in January and try to catch Chelsea with its guard down.

The only honest (insane) man?:

Just read this stuff from Joey Barton. He might be insane, akin to his spirit animal, Morrisey, but whatever. I'm on board the Barton train. Speak your mind. Wish more guys didn't have a filter like him. He was at it again, blasting the England rugby team.

If I ever buy another expensive soccer shirt (unlikely) it's a Barton QPR replica. Fact.

Barton's comments are certainly more interesting than QPR's 1-1 draw with Blackburn, though Heidar Helguson's chip was sweet.

Around the League:

Due to a never-ending Sunday morning fall softball schedule, missed all the Sunday action. Don't hold it against me. ... Good to see Robin van Persie scoring twice vs. Sunderland (the winner in the 82nd), making my prediction he'd finish with the EPL Golden Boot look a little less insane. Guess he's trying to impress his future employers in Russia or Manchester or wherever. Sorry Arsene. ... Gunners can get themselves back into the top five or six contention in the next month. Aside from a Oct. 29 game at Stamford Bridge the fixture list includes home dates with Stoke City (body armor required), Bolton (meh), West Brom (2010, again?) Fulham (next) and a trip to Norwich City. Now is the time for Arsenal. ... Really upset I missed Newcastle's 2-2 draw with Tottenham. Sounded like a lively affair. You have to wonder why Jermain Defoe can't be this nasty on a weekly basis. Shola Ambeobi is a bit of a joke, but that was a quality late equalizer. Newcastle has some fight, which is good to see. Less good to see? Ledley King hurt again. To say the Tottenham captain has glass bones would be an insult to guys like van Perise. ... John Walters looks like a greasy porn star, but he came on and cleaned up a deflection to propel Stoke (at home) to a 2-0 win over Fulham. ... You know it's a good week for Bolton when it scores three goals to beat Wigan 3-1, including one from Nigel Reo-Coker. ... West Brom beat Wolves early Sunday with Peter Odemwingie (remember him) getting on the scoresheet. Wolves are slumping. Same with Sunderland. ... Anthony Pilkington scored twice for Norwich in a 3-1 win over Swansea. I'll save you from the bad Karl Pilkington jokes. ... So yeah, guys like John (W) Henry want to end promotion and relegation. This would be terrible and if you're an Englishman reading this, I apologize for my fellow ugly Americans. If this ever happened, following soccer abroad would become about 72 percent less interesting.

Fantasy Team O' the Week:

Vinod Bhaskaran's team, LIVERPOOL, put up 70 points thanks mainly to captaining van Persie and a 13-point week from Bolton's Chris Eagles.

One Other Thing:

Keep this part brief, since it's been written about in this space before. "The Walking Dead" is a fine, pulpy, television show on AMC ... but it pales in comparison to the source material -- Robert Kirkman's unrelentingly grim series of graphic novels/comics. (Which word is the preferred/proper nomenclature?) The compendium puts together the first eight books in one volume. You'll go through it in less than a week, it's that good.

The adaptation for television isn't bad, but it's more of a standard action-y type thing with a lot of terrible acting and exposition. Amazingly enough the one character that capture well on the page and screen is Rick's wife Lori -- a massive wet blanket. The less said about the actor, Andrew Lincoln, who plays Rick, the better.

So read the books, because they're a) awesome and b) won't spoil the show at all since Kirkman basically said the television entity will be something different because there's no way -- not even if Uli Kunkel was involed -- could you have that much pure nihilism on American cable television.

One More Other Thing:

Had this song suck in my head all weekend.

Whistles and hand claps are definitely underrated in music.

Labels: EPL, Monday recaps, Soccer

"Greed is good." -- Gordon Gekko.

Sure it was the international break, but some big news (more of a talking point) came down this week when Liverpool Managing Director Ian Ayre made comments about blowing up the structure of how the Premier League's international television revenue is shared and distributed. His point, in short, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United deserve a bigger slice of that pie because of their massive worldwide fan bases. (Slightly interesting caveat: Manchester City is the richest club in the world and doesn't have a huge global fanbase, but probably doesn't need it or the international EPL television deal because it's so rich.)

From a purely logical standpoint, Ayre does have a point. How many times are you specifically, reading this in America or Saigon or Cape Town getting up at some ungodly hour to watch Wigan Athletic play Bolton? A couple weeks ago I casually joked in this space that how many people could Fox Soccer Plus reasonably expect to tune in for its live broadcast of West Brom vs. Norwich City? The probable answer made me think of that old line from Homer Simpson when his self-produced commercial for Mr. Plow aired on Springfield Public Access at 3:30 a.m. -- "Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners."

So from that purely, scientific vacuum bubble scenario, yeah Ayre is making a valid argument. Shouldn't the teams that produce the most eyeballs to the sets get a bigger portion of the pie?

Realistically, as Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has picked up the rally cry this week, tweaking the revenue sharing of foreign television rights would effectively neuter the Premier League as we know it. It's one thing for the League to be structured that five, maybe six teams can enter a given year harboring a realistic chance to win the League. It's something else entirely when the League itself would be effectively ruined, since everyone outside those seven or eight mega clubs would have enough financial clout to even field a roster. At that point, why even bother?

What's odd about Ayre's comments, aside from the timing, is that Liverpool is now owned by Americans, namely John Henry -- the owner of the Boston Red Sox. You'd think Henry would notice that slowly and surely baseball has dwindled in popularity in the States, while the NFL has become woven completely into the fabric of American life -- even if that means its (in part) a platform for mindless truck and Lite beer ads. The NFL, unlike Major League Baseball, has salary caps and massive revenue sharing through its billion dollar television contract, which is shared. This goes back to the 1960s when prescient owners of the "big" teams like the New York Giants realized they wouldn't have a league without small market clubs like the Green Bay Packers.

As I've written time and time again, the Dallas Cowboys need the Jacksonville Jaguars and Minnesota Vikings. There aren't any other opponents. A rival professional football league isn't springing up any time soon, despite NFL commish Roger Goodell's Quixotic quest to bring NFL football to Europe.

Liverpool, however, only needs look over the English Channel for clubs on its par to play week-in, week-out. This is what scares the Whelans of the world, because a pan-European Super League would effectively destroy professional soccer in Europe as we know it. The television monies -- mostly from abroad -- would dry up since why watch Wigan/Stoke when you could watch Real Madrid/Chelsea? Maybe you make some ticket sales from locals looking for live entertainment, but the television contracts would be minimal, think what's happened in Scotland in the last decade with the SPL.

Another crazy x-factor in this equation, might actually stem from our own American shores. What would stop a cash-rich, forward-thinking billionaire from starting a rogue club for inclusion in this new mythical league? It would give everybody involved a huge toehold in America and it wouldn't be that much of a stretch geographically or financially. MLS would look like even smaller potatoes in the face of a pan-European league.

Anyways, before digging into a few quick pros and cons that this dreaded pan-Europa League would bring, it's worth looking at this Info graphic that I blatantly stole from some Tumblr. Sorry. Nothing personal. It's not like I'm making money here, so I'd say it falls under fair usage, right? This is the disparity in domestic television money redistribution, not the international rights which Ayre was talking about earlier this week, which is split evenly -- including the "parachute" payments to relegated clubs.


Also, one more hold up. How many clubs at this exact moment in 2011 can exactly be considered "global brands?" By my unscientific estimate the list is: Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, (maybe) Chelsea, Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan, (maybe) Inter Milan, Juventus, (maybe) Bayern Munich and probably FC Porto and Benfica since nearly every Portuguese ex-pat feels a tie to one of those clubs. How would this league work logistically. That's something for another time. Let's get to those pros and cons.


PRO -- Manchester United v. Real Madrid, who wouldn't want to watch that every weekend?

CON -- Say goodbye to the Champions League as we now know it.

PRO -- In the words of Rodney Dangerfield, "Everybody gets laid!" err ... makes a lot of money.

CON -- As we saw in the spring with all the Clasicos in Spain, too much of a good thing almost can really be too much.

PRO -- Arsenal v. Bayern. Awesome. In German!

CON -- Aside from pure greed, why do the European heavyweights feel its their manifest destiny to destroy every domestic league?

PRO -- BARCELONA VS. REAL MADRID!!!!!!

CON -- The sport of soccer will invariably suffer. Sure television exposure increases, but wouldn't you think less people would actually play the sport if the domestic leagues are deemphasized?

Overall, this looming specter of a European League sounds great -- to the clubs who'd be involved. The directors can only see dollar, well, Euro signs in their eyeballs. On paper, it seems to be a good idea, though a little redundant with the Champions League. My thought is if this league were to launch it would come off like gangbusters, but eventually it would run out of steam because people would get tired of the lack of variety and closed nature of it.

At some point, you'd just hope out of the basic human decently principle, guys running the clubs would think about the greater good a little bit instead of their own pockets. There's enough money as the current system is structured to go around, isn't there? A pipe dream, surely in 2011.

Gimme mind and get the hell out of the way.

One FIFA 12 Quickee:

From the things that don't make sense department. Danny Simpson, you know him, household name. Newcastle United right back. Well ... his face is rendered in the game. Meanwhile neither Andy Carroll or Luis Suarez's mugs are. Shake my head.

Oh yeah, right, digital Javier Hernandez will suck your soul out and haunt your dreams:



Saturday:

* Liverpool v. Manchester United -- (Live, ESPN2, 7:45 a.m.) One thing, need to throw this joke/question out right now. I can wholly imagine Charlie Adam and Andy Carroll sitting around drinking beer, eating chicken and playing video games for Liverpool. Who's the third guy in the equation. [John Henry, at least he's not Tom Hicks. Also, love British writers trying to write about baseball.]

And, of course, LeBron James is over in Liverpool for this one -- probably to watch the team he partly owns play Manchester United, that or to try the English Chicken McNuggets (curry dipping sauce anyone?). There are simply too many jokes so go read @thefarmerjones twitter feed from yesterday or search the "LeBronBeatlesSongs" hashtag. If I'm a Liverpool fan, I'd be furious that my beloved club has now been in the hands of Americans for the past seven or eight years who don't understand a lick about the club's history. The LeBron thing would be very dispiriting, too. Eh, at least it's not like Chris Bosh owns a portion of the club, right?

As for this game itself, jokes aside, the biggest issue is which Liverpool we get? Is it the free-flowing creative team that we saw at the end of last season, or the club that makes a lot of chances but is ultimately wasteful in front of goal and exposed defensively? We basically know what Manchester United is, though the Red Devils last game before the International break was underwhelming vs. Norwich City. Nice, though, for Sir Alex Ferguson to coax an international retirement from Nemanja Vidic from Serbia.

Liverpool has played Manchester United tough over the last couple seasons, however, if I'm wagering a hunch, we haven't heard much from Chicharito this season. He seems due. ... Liverpool 1, Manchester United 2

* QPR v. Blackburn Rovers -- Guess if you're in England, you're in better shape to have a club located in London compared to a random town in the Northwest. QPR attracted some players, Shaun Wright-Philips, Joey Barton, etc. would should put the club in decent shape to avoid the drop. Blackburn got ... David Goodwillie? ... QPR 2, Blackburn 0

* Norwich City v. Swansea City -- (Live, FSC+, 10 a.m.) This should be a fun game to watch since both teams should play an open, attacking game, but outside of Wes Houlahan and Scott Sinclair, name a player on either team. This is the other side of the Premier League television rights argument. ... Norwich City 3, Swansea City 1

* Manchester City v. Aston Villa -- (Live, FSC, 10 a.m.) Richard Dunne appears to be back to his 2009-10 form when he seemed fueled by his perceived dis by Manchester City. Not sure what explains Gabriel Agbonlahor having the best season of his life, so far. Must have read me calling him massively overrated because that's what professional soccer players do -- read obscure, fading relevance blogs, right? City? Let's see how all their players fare after returning from international duty. They could be vulnerable. That's the tried-and-true theory, right? Fly in the ointment here is that Alex McLeish remains old school in his thinking and will probably field eight defenders for this one, if he could. ... City 1, Villa 0

* Stoke City v. Fulham -- Fulham probably didn't need that international break, did it? After scoring six goals in its last game it had to wait two weeks to get anything going again. Curious to see how long the Martin Jol signings (Bryan Ruiz, Patjim Kasami, etc.) get integrated more-and-more. Stoke? All those glowing reviews a couple weeks ago? The Potters goal difference is still -4. Just saying. ... Stoke City 1, Fulham 1

* Wigan Athletic v. Bolton -- It's only October, but we can look back at this game in May because both these teams are going to be in the relegation mix all season. ... Wigan 2, Bolton 0

* Chelsea v. Everton -- (Live, FSC, 12:30 a.m.) Nine goals in their last two League games, Chelsea might be back to the marauding force we know them as. The Blues are only going to get better as the season progresses. Everton can be a thorn in a lot of sides, but not here. Not at Stamford Bridge. ... Chelsea 3, Everton 1

Sunday:

* West Brom v. Wolves -- Good derby here. Both teams need to find something here to kickstart their seasons. West Brom's been all downhill after Shane Long's opening day goal vs. Manchester United and Wolves have lost a lot of steam from a bright start. Lots of early desperation on the field and anger in the stands here. ... West Brom 1, Wolves 1

* Arsenal v. Sunderland -- (Live, FSC+, 8:30 a.m.) This seems a little too easy on paper for the Gunners right? The ship's been sailing just a little too smoothly, right? Everything would point to an Arsenal romp, but aren't the Gunners due for another question of faith? That said, Sunderland isn't the team to do it, as Steve Bruce can probably feel the axe blade touching the back of his neck. ... Arsenal 2, Sunderland 0

* Newcastle United v. Tottenham -- (Live, FSC, 11 a.m.) Good yardstick game for both these teams. Newcastle can, against an improving Tottenham side, show its legitimately a team that can make some noise this season. Spurs can do the same, going on the road and breaking down a team that's been very resolute defensively. Lots of schizophrenia on both sides here, adding a little more spice to the offing. If Spurs walk away without Demba Ba stampeding over Ledley King, consider it a win. Emmanuel Adebayor is a doubt for Tottenham, which changes the equation immensely since he's spearheaded the club's uptick in form. ... Newcastle United 1, Spurs 1

Last week: 6-4
Season: 41-28

Labels: chicharito, EPL, EPL picks, fifa 12, liverpool fc, Soccer, tv rights

Apologies, the this following post about tonight's U.S. National Team friendly vs. those dastardly devils from Ecuador (ESPN2, 7 p.m.) if it feels like a term paper written by a kid during his senior year in high school in the month of June.

Instead of belaboring that point, here are a couple quick thoughts from the Honduras game coupled with some other nuggets.

1. A couple months ago I wrote something along the lines of, "at least there's Clint Dempsey." How true that is. Against Honduras, at times, it seemed like the Fulham standout was playing chess and the other 21 players on the field were playing checkers.

One of these days Dempsey is going to score the best goal in U.S. history and he's going to look effortless doing so -- much like his game-winner vs. Honduras -- only more spectacular. It probably won't be enough to get his face actually rendered in a "FIFA" game, which is somewhat galling since Landon Donovan's face graces the cover of this year's edition. Then again, Dempsey probably doesn't get a four-letter word, which is what makes him Clint Dempsey in the first place.

Still ...


Oddly enough, of all U.S. players, Eric Lichaj has his actual face in the game. Strange.

2. Open practices for the fans. Playing music on iPads. Talking with the media for over an hour! Who exactly does Jurgen Klinsmann think he is?

For what it's worth, stuff like that seems like window dressing -- media fluff. If the U.S. plays well and develops under Klinsmann, then the writers can point back to this new era of American soccer glasnost as a big help. Otherwise, eh? Do like the idea of no names on the jerseys and numbers assigned in traditional 1-11 fashion based on position.

Then again, if some of Klinsmann's California-come-Germany Tony Robbins type power of positive thinking stuff actually rubs off on the team and they play with smiles instead of scowls, it's at least a minor victory. (No, Michael Bradley, this doesn't apply to you.)

3. More-and-more chatter about Brek Shea being scouted by some big-time clubs from England. Obviously this is a good thing, but not if he goes to a club and either a) sits the bench or b) get loaned out again-and-again. Specifically for England, Shea would seem a good fit since he has two major things going for him -- his 6-foot-3 frame and relatively good speed.

4. In short, if Michael Orozco-Fiscal gets another start we can all officially make jokes that he's Klinsmann's Jonathan Bornstein. Not sure what he sees in the kid.

5. Short-term, Oguchi Onyewu might help shore up the U.S. defense since nobody in the pool of potential central defense starters have emerged or made a valid case for automatic XI selection -- the bloom is off the Tim Ream rose -- but how much is the big guy going to have left in three years time? A plodding Onyewu, Carlos Bocanegra pairing was exposed in 2010 and the game of international soccer is only getting faster.

6. During the Honduras game I kept squinting at my set and pretending Danny Williams was Kevin Prince-Boateng. Although he pwned the U.S. at the last World Cup, the Prince is probably among my five favorite players right now. Maybe he's a little too bit much a gimmick player, but he also chumpatized Michael Ballack, too, which is worth a lifetime free pass.

Back to Williams. He's an option for the U.S., nothing more, though his debut game was encouraging.

7. Doubtful that Ecuador still has their greasy, "Coming to America"-esque Jherri Curls that were such a hit at the 2006 World Cup via Charlos Tenorio.

8. Which of this is more of an eye-opener? That DaMarcus Beasley is only 29 or that Jozy Altidore is still only 21?

9. What's going to be John Harkes buzzword for the television broadcast? Let's stick with "process."

10. Really, not to belabor a dead horse, but it's hard to gauge where this team is in games that ultimately don't matter. You want to see flashes and cohesive play but it's going to be a long haul and expect even more auditions under Klinsmann. Put it this way, could you even name the "core" of this team? At this point you could claim Kyle Beckerman is right there alongside Dempsey and Donovan, which puts a lot of it in perspective.

11. Sorry folks, I have a personal commitment at 6:30 and then ALCS Game Three at 8, so there's a good chance this is the first USMNT in years I'll only be able to watch the highlights. Chances are, the world will keep on spinning on its axis.

Lineup Guess:

GK -- Howard

DEF -- Cherundolo -- Onyewu -- Bocanegra -- Chandler

MID -- Williams -- Beckerman -- Bradley -- Shea

FOR -- Dempsey -- Altidore

Not too many options from the players called in. Figure Juan Agudelo gets a couple minutes at his home stadium. Wonder how close to a sell-out Red Bull Arena comes. Would be disappointing if its not at least 90 percent capacity.

Labels: Friendlies, jurgen klinsmann, Soccer, USMNT

Friends, readers, countryman lend me your ears ...

...

...

...

Figured I'd start with a grandiose opening for what is going to be a different sort of post ahead of a U.S. National Team game, which just so happens to be tonight SATURDAY NIGHT against Honduras in Miami (6 p.m., FOX Soccer) in front of a friends-and-family crowd.

Actually it's more of a confession.

In the last couple weeks, well, I haven't thought very much about our beloved USMNT.

Yeah, yeah, grab the torches, pitchforks and burn me at the stake(*), but that's the truth. That's not to say the name Jurgen Klinsmann makes me think of a villain from a bad World War II film or anything. It's just ...

(*) Always felt that the old-timey, colonial idea of drowning suspected witches doesn't get enough play. Then again, rigging some sort of drowning apparatus vs. the standard torches and pitchfork analogy is simply easier. Eh.

Put it this way, for these two friendlies -- the second next Tuesday vs. Ecuador at Red Bull Arena -- are we going to glean anything new that we haven't already for the first two-plus months of Der Klinsmann regime?

1. Stuart Holden remains on the sideline, now for another six months with another knee operation. So much for him being the missing midfield link. Once again, Jonny Evans -- go die in a grease fire.

2. Can Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey co-exist under Klinsmann? Wait, Donovan pulled out of the games to watch Hope Solo on a dancing show, err, because of an injury.

3. Does this team have any wide players aside from, maybe, Brek Shea? (I'll just write this every post.)

4. Can this team develop a consistent international striker? (Again, rinse, lather, repeat.)

5. Can any new defenders stake their claim to a starting spot? (See above.)

This isn't to sound overtly cynical, but let's be honest what is anyone going to learn from these games? It's doubtful the USSF is even going to pocket a big pay day since the Honduras game is in the worst sports city in America -- Miami(*) -- where organizers have sold, according to Twitter, about 6,000 tickets. So the ancillary function of every U.S. friendly on home soil -- make the USSF some money -- isn't even going to be accomplished. Suppose Wilson Palacios isn't the draw he once was since moving to Stoke City.

(*) The USSF/SUM organizers really screwed up. They should have booked a 3-on-3 basketball game with some of the Miami Heat, or at least had Chris Bosh show up and wiggle his tiny head. It's not like the NBA is busy or anything.

So yeah, Oguchi Onyewu is back in the mix. Same for Michael Bradley and DaMarcus Beasley.

I could probably muster the strength to write another 1,000 words on this game, or coax up a strained pop culture parallel or something, but why be dishonest with you? Right now all my time and energy is wrapped up in the baseball playoffs with my Tigers -- so I'm living and dying with every pitch. Fortunately I woke up Friday morning to put the finishing touches on this post I couldn't stop smiling. Let this video explain. (Really, click it, leave it up and enjoy the rest of your day.)

Don't hate me for being honest.

Or do. This is the Internet after all.

Miscellany:

* Appears Jozy Altidore is love, love, looooooooving Miami, considering he's retweeted stuff from seemingly all 14 people who bought tickets to the game.

* Speaking of pitch forks, torches and drowning apparatus ... don't you think Klinsmann maybe, you know, consider winning a game? A loss on home soil to a very mediocore Honduras team would be tough to spin, even by the guy who writes the official U.S. Soccer Twitter.

* With the amount of strikes on this roster -- Altidore, Juan Agudelo, Teal Bunbury, Buddle and (via the web) DaMarcus Beasley -- will Klinsmann be forced to play a two-strike system?

* Isn't it amazing how whenever Timmy Chandler opens his mouth people go nuts on the Internet? Or any U.S. player with dual citizenship/FIFA eligibility requirements?

* Is this the last USMNT game, well friendly, that will appear on Fox Soccer for the next couple years? I'll miss Christopher Sullivan's analysis.


Lineup Guess:

GK -- Howard

DEF -- Cherundolo -- Onyewu -- Bocanegra -- ????

MID -- Dempsey -- Bradley -- Beckerman -- Shea

FOR -- Altidore -- Bunbury?

Closing Thought:

Last time the U.S. played it was on a Friday night it was late (East Coast time) and they lost to Costa Rica on a night overwhelmed by a TCU college football game. People probably forgot it even happened.

Similar circumstances tonight Saturday, but a win for Klinsmann -- he's 0-1-2 -- isn't too much to ask, is it? Honduras should play the role of slumpbuster. Do they have those in Germany? Would love to know the word for it. I'm sure it's fantastic.

[Update, I really thought the game was Saturday in line with all the European games today. See, baseball is screwing with my head. Also though the Yankees/Tigers Game 5 was at 8:37, not 8:07. To quote a phrase, I'm totally lawst. Sorry about that.]

Labels: Friendlies, jurgen klinsmann, Soccer, USMNT

Now that was a little more like it. Credit to @danhodes for a nice screen cap of Fox Soccer's continual production failures -- beyond Warren Barton's continued employment.

Nothing earth-shattering developed from this weekend's round of games. Really the only-eye opening event was Fulham erupting for a six-goal shellacking of QPR.

Manchester United and Manchester City each bounced back with wins. Chelsea crushed hapless -- stress -- hapless Bolton. Liverpool won away at Everton in another red-card controversy Merseyside Derby. Spurs beat Arsenal -- again -- in the North London derby scenario.

And if seven games count for anything -- maybe -- then we have to count Newcastle winning again and Aston Villa not losing again as counting for something.

We've got the two-week break for internationals the table probably looks a lot like it should.

Yes, even Arsenal in 15th place.

North London Normalcy -- Another game at White Hart Lane, another player lost to a long-term injury (Bakary Sagna) another loss by Arsenal. Only surprise here was that Emmanuel Adebayor didn't score the winner, run across the field and launch some projectile diarrhea at the traveling Gunners fans.

Instead, it was Kyle Walker (playing the part of Danny Rose for the afternoon) ripping a shot that Wojciech Szezesny let go right through his arms. In fairness, if you watch the replay, the shot did have a wicked amount of bend on it, but still ...

For Arsenal, the club remains stuck in a horror movie franchise mode. The actors and killers might change, but the plot remains the same. Szezesny has proven to be a solid keeper who should only get better. His mistake can be forgiven. Instead Arsenal fans will turn their scorn to Per Mertesacker, who's looking like a deadline day whiff by Arsene Wenger -- though Gary Cahill wouldn't be that much better, though he'd be English thus giving him a virtual free pass from the domestic EPL media.

Eventually, maybe by the Boxing Day fixtures the men calling the Premier League games will realize that Arsenal, despite the badge on the shirts, is nothing more than an ordinary, average team in the Premier League. The sooner this is realized, the better for all parties involved.

And speaking of the announcers, (not sure who was on the call for FSC, Peter Drury?) think that Scott Parker might want to get a restraining order. Drury was absolutely slobbering over him in almost Brett Favre-ian levels since Parker played for about 20 minutes with an injury. We always love getting on our American media for overrating white, (buzzword) "scrappy" players -- like Dustin Pedroia winning the AL MVP award a couple years ago. Safe to say the English media reveres a player like Parker, who seems a throwback to the olden days of football in England. Put it this way, Parker would never play with an exposed tattoo and he probably ate some sort of boiled lamb dish after the game.

Parker, though, was a great addition for Spurs since -- again -- he gives the midfield stability, allowing Luka Modric and Gareth Bale to do their things. So long as Rafael van der Vaart, who's probably the world's best player if a) soccer only involved playing offense and b) games only lasted 58 minutes, stays happy Spurs are going to push for fourth again.

Tottenham is miles ahead of Arsenal.

Maybe even more.

But we already knew this, didn't we?

Red all over -- Martin Atkinson must live in a protective bubble in the week. All anyone wanted to talk about ahead of the Merseyside Derby was the prevalence of red cards in recent years. So what happens? Jack Rodwell makes a tackle on Luis Suarez and gets a red with a half hour of the first whistle. Was it a foul? Yes? A red card? Probably not.

The only amazing thing about how all it went down was that nobody else got sent off.

Granted, officiating a contested, heated match like Everton/Liverpool can't be fun. Yet far too often these refs can't see the forest but for the trees.

Hate when a ref's decision overshadows the game itself, which was ... eh, okay overall. Basically, if this game was a face, it would be Charlie Adam's fresh-faced, 25-year-old mug.

The winning goal by Liverpool was quite nice, a fast attack up the left started by Craig Bellamy with Luis Enrique curling one in for Andy Carroll to head past Tim Howard. If there's something to watch for Liverpool it's, if, with guys like Bellamy, (temporarily) Steven Gerrard, Jordan Henderson, can the Reds overwhelm tired teams in the final 30 minutes, like they did to Everton on Saturday? It's almost like Kenny Dalglish can let Adam do the dirty work

A Moment on Manchester United -- United really, realllllly should have been in trouble against a disciplined, resolute Norwich City. If Anthony Pilkington could finish -- United might not be sitting in first place. Thankfully he couldn't saving me some really strained Karl Pilkington jokes. So in that regard, we all win.

United finally broke the deadline on a scrappy Anderson goal set up by Wayne Rooney. Danny Welbeck finished it off. As they like to say, on to the next one.

Even if he has bad hair frosted tips like 2005 Alex Rodriguez, Phil Jones is going to be a mainstay at the back for United for the next decade. Right now he's much more of a force going forward than as a defender, but looks like Sir Alex found another gem.

Owned -- Why, if you're Bolton, even show up vs. Chelsea? The players clearly felt that way. Owen Coyle should have pulled a Coach Taylor at the half and asked the league for a forfeit.

As it is, Bolton got smushed 5-1 with a Frank Lampard -- he's back (tm) -- scoring a hat trick.

Bolton were so uncompetitive, there's nothing much to say. Gary Cahill's transfer fee is slowly leveling off to a level where it should have been. If he weren't a fringe England international we wouldn't even hear about him. And Zat Knight is just awful either way.

If you woke up for this at 8:30 a.m. -- or earlier -- I feel bad for you. Hope you're not a zombie Monday morning or the rest of the week.

Typical trap? -- Just a hunch, but the next week with club soccer on break, we'll get a couple stories about the new-look Newcastle United and the work Alan Pardew has done since taking over midway through last season. Most of these stories will talk how the club jettisoned Kevin Nolan, Andy Carroll and Joey Barton for a bunch of random French players.

The danger, here, is that we still don't know if Newcastle is for real.

There's a lot to like. The Mapgies have only given up four goals. Fabricio Coloccini and Steven Taylor is working well. The Yohan Cabaya/Cheick Tiote midfield combo is already drawing plaudits. Demba Ba is being hailed as a bargain of the summer type player ... if he stays healthy.

All-and-all Newcastle seem primed for success.

Here's where we hedge our collective bets. The Newcastle schedule so far? Arsenal, Sunderland, Fulham, QPR, Aston Villa, Blackburn and Wolves, whom they beat 2-1 on Saturday.

Top half of the table is the most realistic expectation at the moment. Let's see where Newcastle is on Dec. 2 after a string of Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea.

Around the League: The Sunderland/West Brom 2-2 draw featured both teams scoring their goals within about three minutes of each other. It was also a headache-inducing optical scenario with both sides where their home strips with vertical stripes. ... Manchester City lost Kun Aguero in the first half, but still creamed Blackburn by eventually wearing Rovers down, getting a really spicy goal from Adam Johnson to open the floodgates. ... Still can't get over the fact Fulham scored six goals in a Premier League contest, including one from Clint Dempsey. Did Martin Jol order horse placenta for the entire team? ... Stoke City lost at Swansea City. To that, the Potters remain a fraud in the sense of being a legitimately good team that can push for the top six. ... Gabriel Agbonlahor scored again for Aston Villa, which still hasn't lost. Villa won't be too exciting, but they'll be tough to beat as well. Is that enough for the fans? ... Is it just me but are the sexually charged ads from "World Soccer Shop" just a little creepy?

Hero of the Week: David N'Gog has been an easy target of jokes since Rafa Benetiz brought him to England. Sunday he did something almost all fans wish they could have done -- kick John Terry square in the balls.

Fantasy Team O' the Week: Longtime friend of the Drew Konig's Will This Do put up 82 points, behind big weeks from Scott Sinclair, Jose Enrique, Daniel Sturridge, Wayne Rooney and Shay Given. Well done.

One Other Thing: If you don't hear from me in any form of Internet communication once the International break is completed, just assume I had a heart attack due to the Detroit Tigers in the MLB playoffs. To be safe, I put most of my good personal items in a storage locker, so if I do expire, they'll be up for bid in an auction.

Either that scenario, or I'm the first of probably many people locked up for "Whitney"-promo induced felonies.

Labels: Arsenal, EPL, everton, Liverpool, Monday recaps, Soccer, tottenham hotspur